Hi. I will say I have a lot of problems at this moment…my life is a bit of a mess. But this problem has been eating me up for a few weeks, whilst I have started at least addressing my other problems (gambling addiction being the main one, seems the root cause of a number of other of my problems- but seems well on the way to being solved). I will warn its complicated story and appreciate all reading it so much. And hopefully don’t come across as too bad a person (my life story itself is ‘unreal’ according to alot of people).

Bit of a context (though guess things are way more complex than this): Im a single 30 year old british asian guy. My true passion appears to be traveling. Every chance Ive got for the past three years…Ive traveled. The last trip around eastern europe/balkans has turned my world on its head to a degree (for a number of reasons), having come back in November 2014. Im not sure whether I should be explicit of not but for the last few years I have been a ‘playboy’ in many senses….by this I dont mean I have cheated on any girl. But Ive had a lot of one night stands and a few flings- I try not to lie to any women I slept with. The 1/2 chances I probably had for a relationship I didnt pursue for one reason or another…though namely because I didn’t feel I was ready .

This last trip started I around August 2014. Traveled through a few countries, did what I suggested in my background- met a couple of girls hooked up etc. Met loads of people anyway through hostels as I do on my travels (and meeting people always being the highlight of my travels), things were good. I had looked to fund the trip through gambling (my gambling is a whole new story) but by the time I reached a particular country, I had become compulsive. Anyway I continued my travels and like a backpacker does partied a lot. When arriving in the respective city I was out with people from the hostel and met her in a nightclub. I made out with her first night. Took her on a date the next day and learnt that she was an erasmus student, 21 years old (exchange student in the country). ended up sleeping together. I sort of spent the next few days at the hostel and went over to her apartment at night. After a few days, she says shes leaving for a few days and i encouraged her to do so- making it easier to continue my travels. But low and behold I was still there when she returned and we kindled. Thus I ended up shifting from the hostel to the apartment she shares with three guys. Even though she was saying she was the one getting attached, I believe I was too. Most of my remaining stay around the city revolved around her. My typical routine was head to the hostel occasionally, but namely hang out with her most of the day unless she had plans or classes (yes foreign exchange students dont do a lot). A few weeks went by and I started liking her more and more- took her on dates, divulged a lot, treated her extremely well and romantically very well…and genuinely (funnily enough when I was the first guy to ever buy her flowers she said). I also became attracted by her values- non materialistic girl, vegetarian, really appreciative. We matched. 6 weeks flew by, which had been my exact previous stay in 8 countries on the trip.

Then…One night I was out at a club with her and 2 of her student friends, who had also become my friends during my stay- one male housemate and a female friend who is lesbian. The girl Im seeing randomly says she doesnt consider kissing cheating- and then got a kiss of one of her room mate. I couldn’t even watch, though I kissed her lesbian friend immediately after- but i would never have kissed her if she was straight. Her room mate immediately apologized. It hurt a lot. A drunken conversation followed where I said Im gonna go and kiss a random girl- but she said she wouldnt mind, albeit i didnt. I was a bit moody and when we went back to her apartment- this all sounds childish I accept but damn Im hurt and it was probably more serious than I can describe.
I immediately left the apartment the next morning, to gather my thoughts returning a few hours later. She knew I was upset, but I didnt confess why. She cried cause she knew I was upset. But Id decided I needed to get back home and this could not go anywhere, if she was capable of doing this. Everything was OK later that day, but id made up my mind. The next day I told her I was leaving and she burst into tears. A few hours later she was OK, but very upset the next 2/3 days……I left 4 days later she dropped me to the airport and confessed later that she cried non stop at her apartment after I left.

I landed back in the UK and missed her alot and my life….I was walking around heathrow airport with tears in my eyes (my gambling addiction didn’t help my mind state knowing Id blown a fortune) and how things had gone wrong. We kept in touch a bit via facebook, her constantly saying she missed me and me feeling the same. 3 weeks later, T through skype she said we should stop contact (cause she missed me too much), I agreed- I thanked her for everything and was OK. All of a sudden a few days later she said she wanted to see me and if id meet her if she flew to the UK for christmas. I agreed but was shocked she booked it.

In December she flew over to see me for 3 days, prior to flying back to her home country and returning to her country of study; we were intimate naturally. She did say that she hadn’t kissed or been intimate with anyone since id gone- neither had I by the way. At that time I really didn’t feel that bad when she left cause I was consumed by my own problems. Our Facebook messaging continued sporadically after she returned but has slowed down a lot since. The key difference is it appears she has moved on now, judging by her lack of responses. I really thought I was over this but I do keep looking at photos of our time together on my phone practically on a daily basis.

Meanwhile as I said my life is a mess. I have debts due to the gambling (by the way I am now addressing this and have stopped- i should be happy im free of this addiction), started gym, anti depressants and praying alot more. I do not have a job and live with parents. Ironically a gambling loophole was my only source of income for 12 months prior to becoming compulsive prior which I was a freelancer.

Why am I feeling like this now? Why do I miss her so much now? The thought of the kiss is eating me at times now? Have I made a mistake letting a kiss like this potentially messing up a future with her? Can anyone share a somewhat parallel situation? My confidence is shattered in general as a result of recent events, esteem is murdered and ive practically become a recluse in many ways.

Absolutely any advice you think may help is appreciated.Im hurting at this moment….I cant figure out why. I hadn’t got involved for a while with anyone and showed her a lot of love once I thought she was an awesome girl and felt something for her.

I also hope I haven’t come across too bad in this post, cause despite some selfish tendencies/flaws, these days my heart is in the right place. Thanks again for reading and appreciate any advice and if further information would help for proper advice, please let me know. Much Love x