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Why am I so confused about wanting a relationship?!!! This is crazy

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #404926
    KP
    Participant

    Hi,

    So I have been through a lot of relationships. Most of them ended badly leading to me believing that I am destined to be alone. Now I have been seeking therapy from past 2 years. There has been a lot of progress within me as an individual. However, when it comes to dating or even someone showing interest in me. I just can’t accept it as if. I would as if purposely choose a guy with whom I can’t be together or just deny people who show interest. I do want someone in my life but I am feeling as if I don’t want it either. Help me!!! This is really driving me crazy. Please.

    #404935
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KP:

    I would as if purposely choose a guy with whom I can’t be together or just deny people who show interest. I do want someone in my life but I am feeling as if I don’t want it either“- reads like on one hand, you want a relationship, but on the other hand, you are afraid of having a relationship. So, you are Conflicted and therefore, Confused.

    I have been through a lot of relationships. Most of them ended badly“- you are afraid that yet another relationship will end badly, aren’t you?

    A person’s first and most powerful relationship is not with a romantic partner, but with one’s parent, or primary caretaker. Usually it’s the mother. How was your relationship with your mother when you were growing up?

    anita

    #404981
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi KP

    It’s great that you’ve been seeking therapy. I bet you’ve already done a lot of good work with your therapist.

    I’m sorry to hear that previous relationships have ended badly. I think that would be enough to make anyone nervous about dating.

    Did you notice any specific difficulties with the relationships?

    Some food for thought is schema therapy. It suggests that difficulties with ourselves are reflected in our choice of partner. This isn’t intentional, but these difficulties within ourselves can cause us to be drawn to people that are unhealthy for us and play on our own difficulties.

    The good news is that when you are aware of your own issues you can make conscious choices to make healthier decisions.

    Your therapist might be a great tool to approach dating because they are very well trained to identify unhealthy behaviour. Discussing any issues with dates can be very helpful and they would encourage you to establish and protect your boundaries.

    You don’t have to date yet, if you don’t feel that you are ready. It is understandable to feel lonely and desire a relationship, despite the apprehension you feel regarding relationships. I think everyone deserves love, but it can be hard to find. A lot of abusive behaviours are normalised in society, then there are issues with compatibility. Dating can certainly be challenging!

    #405029
    StoutHeartedMen
    Participant

    Hi KP,

    Thank you for sharing. I would like to say that I deeply resonate with your sentiments.

    I too tend to have crushes on unattainable figures, including fictional characters or people I consider “out of my league.” My therapist explained that this distance provides me the ability to 100% love and project all my desires onto someone. If a love interest is forever out of reach, I get to imagine whatever I want about them. I don’t have to accept their humanity. But in reality, they are complex, imperfect, and have their own goals and desires; there is no human born to be my perfect match, unless they are obscured by my imagination.

    I have recently joined dating sites (à grace de Anita; thanks again!) and in fact have found several interesting women near my age who have shown interest in me. However once we begin speaking (or even just match), I too seem to shut down and lose interest/attraction and feel tempted to deny them, even though I outwardly claim I am interested in the process of beginning a relationship.

    Rather than advice, I bring these 2 questions:

    1) What makes you want to enter into a relationship?

    2) What is making you want to reject/deny these people?

    I believe your insight can help others as well. Thanks again.

    #405038
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear KP and  SoutHeartedMen:

    StroutHeartedMen, it’s a delight this morning to read your replies in 3 different threads. Your reply in this thread is excellent and I can’t imagine the original poster (KP) not replying to it, but it often happens that Original Posters start threads and then.. they are gone, either not checking their threads for replies, or reading replies but not bothering to respond. Not even a thank you to well-meaning members like you who produce excellent replies.

    KP, you wrote: “I am destined to be alone“- not responding to replies that are submitted to you and not being responsive otherwise, will keep you alone. You are welcome to return to your thread anytime. I will be glad to read from you again!

    Back to you, StoutHeartedMen, you wrote: “If a love interest is forever out of reach, I get to imagine whatever I want about them… there is no human born to be my perfect match, unless they are obscured by my imagination“- profound, so well written.

    You shared that you recently joined dating sites because you are “interested in the process of beginning a relationship”, but once you start speaking with interested and interesting women, you “shut down and lose interest/ attraction and feel tempted to deny them”. You then asked the OP two questions.

    You are welcome to write your answers to your own questions, if you’d like. I am suggesting this because in a thread titled “What inspires you to write?”, you answered: “I write my best funny stories when I know someone asked me to do so and is waiting for me to deliver… Having at least 1 person to work for gives me a purpose”.

    anita

    #405043
    Helcat
    Participant

    Perhaps some people are just slower to reply to messages? It’s not a big deal.

    #405096
    StoutHeartedMen
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Helcat,

    Yes, I’d agree with Helcat; no pressure for the OP to return to thread, but OP is welcome to do so. 🙂

    Thank you so much Anita for the kind words, as well as the attention to detail you bring! It is a blessed feeling to read your insight, and I was so glad what I wrote resonated with you.

    I would feel bad hijacking a thread that is not my own, so I leave the questions open to anyone else who feels moved to answer it, LOL!

    Thanks again everyone and hope you enjoy the weekend.

    #405097
    anita
    Participant

    Dear StoutHeartedMen:

    You are very welcome and thank you for being as gracious as you are, you are much appreciated!

    anita

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