Dear Jessica:

You are welcome. “Why am I so lost?” is the title of your thread. Having read your latest post I will try to answer it, typing as I am thinking, and do correct me where I am wrong and let me know where I am right:

You are so lost because you want to be his girlfriend and he, your boyfriend but you are afraid that if you let him know of this, you will scare him away. You really, really like him and enjoy being with him so much (except when he talks about his exes), that you really, really… don’t want to lose him.

As long as he doesn’t date other women, you are okay, but you are not that okay because he can end this arrangement with you at any time! There is no stated commitment on is part- that distresses you.

You deny your need for him as an exclusive boyfriend because, other than fearing your need will scare him away, because you are afraid of what that need will make you say or do, and how tough(er) life would be if you allowed your need to express itself.

You want him as an exclusive boyfriend, you want a monogamous, committed relationship, but you figure you can have it with him only if he figures this is what he wants. You are doing your best to enjoy-what-is and to be able to patiently wait until he figures it out.

anita

Dear Jessica:

If I was in your shoes I would end the relationship with him the way it is. This is what I would say to myself:

This is not working for me. My distress is growing because of this relationship. This means that this relationship, as it is, is harming me. I am here to help myself, protect myself, advance my best interest. So what do I need to do? Obviously end this relationship.

But I like him so much. This means I want a relationship with him, but a different kind of a relationship, a monogamous, excusive, loving relationship. Yes, this is what I want. This is the kind of a relationship that will help me, that will be good for my well being.

So… how do I make it happen? Well, waiting for him to change the relationship to what fits me is not working, and is not likely to work. If I take an active part and do what I can do to make it happen, then I have a chance of it happening.

But I may fail. And then I will lose him altogether and have nothing at all with him.

Wait, but having just anything with him is distressing for me. So, if I take an active part in my life, in this regard, I have a chance to make it work for me. If I just wait and suffer, chances are I will get sick. And the relationship will get worse, not better.

No guarantees. I can only operate toward the greater chance, statistical chance that my life will get better. I have way better chance to take an active part in this relationship. Plus it is a good way to operate in my life in every area: do my best to make things happen my way, instead of the passive way of tolerating what is bad for me to tolerate in hopes that somehow things will turn out my way.

And after this self talking, I would let him know what I need and what I want: monogamous, exclusive relationship, no more dating for you or for him. Let him know in a calm way, a confident way, as a strong woman who knows what she wants but is not forcing it. You let him know and you leave it for him to decide. Then you no longer engage in the relationship you ended. And you do your last waiting- waiting for his Yay or Nay on your offer.

anita