Hello Kingmaker,

First of all, I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through and it is really very exhausting, drains all of our energies and keeps our mind always focused and obsessed on one thing and one thing only, and sadly, that thing is: crumbs of love. I used to judge people who didn’t know how how to “value” themselves. My mother herself, after divorcing my dad, entered into an abusive relationship and brought the man into my home and my siblings and I would have to watch all of the drama and live in an unhealthy environment without any choice. He would be rude, be mean, be cruel, be abusive really and my mother would always forgive him, and couldn’t see anybody else who was involved in the situation (her own family). She just had to have him around (just like you described, it was almost like a drug she couldn’t live without). I used to judge and judge away – it was probably harder for me because I was in the situation and it was my mother I was dealing with, but I thought she was weak, she was selfish, she was immature and irresponsible, it took many years until she finally ended things with him (or maybe it got to the point where he was the one who ended everything, since she would always forgive), anyhow, those were years of her life that I think were necessary, and she learned a lot from the process – even so, it didn’t have to last for as long as it did, and that is only because, even though we can not contain the pain we feel, we can control how much we suffer upon it.

Speaking very honestly, how long do you intend to live your life this way? I think what you have to focus on right now, slowly, and at your own pace, is on the courage you need to have to make a real and healthy decision for your life, realizing that it will ultimately bring you the happiness you want and deserve in the future and also, on believing in yourself, on not giving up on yourself. You already seem to have some clarity as to how unsustainable your lifestyle is right now, so instead of daydreaming about texts and situations that don’t really exist, instead of rereading past texts and e-mails and holding on to shreds of what was once a relationship and is now over, why don’t you elaborate and analyze over and over again what exactly it is that you want and realize that what you have now is very far from it. While she is living her life with someone else and is happy and free from your relationship (maybe she hangs on to a few “shreds” of what once was because it is possible you have become a safe harbor and she wants to have a Plan B – I’m sorry if that sounds harsh), you are settling for crumbs? Stop giving her space to step all over you like that, is that the kind of person you want to be?

It is time to let go my friend. And that can only happen when you are honest with yourself and truly decide that is what you want. After that, you have to have courage and do a favor to yourself – block her messages so that you will know and have the security that you won’t recieve anything from her. What do you expect to recieve? Do you expect to live your life in “standby” mode? Let go alraedy.You want to live your life at someone elses disposal? Someone who has chosen not to be with you? Make your decision and fight for it, be brave, you have it in you. Have the courage to feel some pain that is inevitable when going through big changes, face your fears, and everyday believe in yourself and in how you can get over it. Make small little decisions everyday like “I am not going to look at my phone”, go crazy, cry, have a hard time – it will pass (the fact that while you wrote your post you checked on your phone twice, shows that you really aren’t making that big of an effort). Your effort needs to be bigger.

I wish you all the best!

Gabi

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Gabriela.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Gabriela.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Gabriela.