Why can't I let people into my life?

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    Hey, I’m quite a solitary, introverted person and I always get uncomfortable, anxious with relationships. I can never let people get close to me or let them know the real me because I think they’ll think I’m boring or something. I suppose it is just low self-esteem. I’m quite lonely and spend most nights alone imagining all the things I could be doing, all the great people I could be meeting. I want to go out and experience life but I just get so nervous and don’t know what to do. To make things worse, I’m quite good at initial meetings so people assume that I’m fairly outgoing when in fact I’m the opposite. I don’t know how to feel comfortable in a group or with a partner and I’m worried that this problem will stay with me forever. I’m only in my early 20s and I feel like now is the time to just have fun and enjoy myself but I dont’ know how.


    You sound just like me, and I’m still working on those anxieties but I suppose the truth is this is just a hurdle we have to overcome. If you do nothing you know exactly what the outcome is going to be, if you take a chance the outcome is up in the air and that makes things a lot more interesting. At least that’s how I try to think about things as they stand.

    And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being introverted, but we still want relationships and to go out and have fun so maybe there isn’t really such a thing as introverts after all, maybe there are just people that got used to it and the people that haven’t. Even the most outgoing person in the world gets a headache from too much human interaction, it’s all about balance after all.


    PS: Consider also that just willy nilly letting people into your life like a lot of people tend to do can cause problems later. You can have a lot of “friends” that don’t really care about you or you can have a few true friends a lot of people wish they had instead of the 50 acquaintances they drink with. I think coming from an introverted perspective when breaking into the social arena is better than the other way around, where you suddenly realise all the people you thought were friends actually aren’t, or your girlfriend/boyfriend is actually a terrible person etc…

    The way you are can be a very good thing, you know relationships and connections are something to be treasured so you won’t be one of those people that takes advantage of others. I would much prefer somebody like you as a friend than somebody that is extremely outgoing and treats every encounter as a meaningless game.



    You seem to me like an artist, a dreamer… someone with a vivid imagination and a sparkly vision. Consider how much wonder passes before your eyes! Sure, for now it is all the things that you’d like to do but are scared to do, but that fear will erode with time. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Dreaming can be a double edged sword sometimes. On one hand, it is very creative, and helps us excel at art in its many forms. On the other, we can imagine ourselves into a box, into a corner. It sounds like this is what is happening to you. Consider that as you imagine what could happen, you paint a lot of emotion all over it. This includes the joy, but also the fear. For instance, if you wanted to go to a group meeting where people with the same interests as you talk and share, your mind might start up a fantasy of what that might look and feel like. All the people, sharing and laughing. People looking at you, perhaps deciding you’re no good, or sluggish, or dumb. All of those paintings are reflections of your inner desires and inner image. Said differently, when you dream that someone will see you as dumb, it is because you feel that you’re dumb. When you dream of people sharing and laughing, it is because you long to laugh and share. Our dreams are mirrors of our heart in that way.

    However, there is still the fear that prevents you from acting on your desires. That is normal, and very usual for a dreamer. Consider that we all feel fear, and courage is the resolve that moves us to do it anyway. Imagine climbing a mountain for a moment. “Oh, its sooo hard to climb.” Yep. It is difficult to climb a mountain. Our confidence arises when we accept the difficulty, and climb it anyway. Its difficult for all of us, especially at first. Said differently, yes, of course fear is scary. Of course its scary to open up to people, and can be awkward. So what? Fear is only an emotion, it doesn’t have to prevent you from doing what you want. It may always be scary. I feel some fear here and now, opening my heart to you. “What if she is hurt by my words?” “What if my heart is wrong?” “What if I say the wrong things?”. Chatter, ignored, because the potential of helping my dear sister overcome a tangle that inhibits her joy? Well worth it. And that’s the key… your desires are worth following, my dear sister, because after the fear passes, the love and joy that blossoms is worth the struggle, the climbing, the courage.

    With warmth,


    I am also an introvert and I remember similar feelings in my late teens, early 20s.
    First of all, I would suggest working on acceptance of self. That is – it’s fine to be an introvert and to want to spend time alone….easy enough for me to say, but you need to reach a place where you feel fine about who you naturally are (maybe think of it as a work in progress, and even a little bit of acceptance is good).

    Once you are starting to accept yourself, there is that feeling of being more comfortable in your own skin, and then you will start to be more ok with little ‘uncomfortable’ things such as social events. If you notice feelings of anxiety or just that feeling of wanting to get away from everyone and be alone, just notice, observe, and realise they are just feelings, and if you accept yourself as an introvert then you know that these feelings are quite natural and perfectly fine 🙂

    Also, don’t worry this ‘problem’ will stay with you forever. I was convinced I would always be alone, however I’m now in my 30s, happily married with 2 children, and have good friends. I don’t have a huge group of friends, but I realise it’s quality rather than quantity that is important.

    Remember to be kind to yourself.

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