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WHY CANT I LOVE SOMEONE?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  HealingWords 5 months ago.

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  • #202433

    Minnivei
    Participant

    Hi guys, i am 22 year-old female who has zero dating experience.

    I've fallen in love once when i was 18, so i know exactly how it feels to fall in love. I got butterfly in my stomach, very happy all the time, smiling for no reason, etc. but at that time, he couldnt reciprocate my love.

    So in 4 years, I have rejected like 5 guys in my life and decided not to settle down until now because i think i dont really love all of em. As i got older, i realized that i have to try to love someone at least to begin a relationship or i would end up being a spinster!!

    So, there is a guy who tried to hit on me. I've known him for 2 months, he is kind, caring, has a good job, and all. I decided to open my heart for him, try to accept him for who he is, but i still can't love him. I just dont know why, i didn't get those butterflies in my stomach, and i end up being not comfortable being around him.

    Is there something wrong with me?
    I've been thinking really serious,
    – Do i have a perfectionism issue in love life?
    – Will i ever find someone who can make me fall in love again?
    – Does love have to feel like butterflies in your stomach in the beginning? If i dont feel it, does it mean i just dont love him?
    – Do i have to accept someone even though i dont really love him just in order to be in a relationship? No, right?
    – Am i the one who is not mature enough? help me to figure it out

    #202521

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Minnivei:

    Maybe you are attached to that particular, specific butterfly feeling you experienced when you were 18. Maybe you expect the same exact feeling and nothing less or different will do?

    Talking about love, what is your experience with love for you before the age of 18?

    anita

    #202553

    Mark
    Participant

    Minnivei,

    It sounds like you don't have practice in relationships or dating.  That is crucial first step(s) before falling in love/loving someone.  Have you done that?  You said you never dated.  Try dating casually without the focus or intention of falling in love.  Have you made friends with the opposite sex, i.e. platonic friends/activity friends?

    I would start with that rather than having a goal of falling in love.  Enjoy the process of creating friendships and learning about each other.

    Mark

    #202593

    Minnivei
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes I expected to get the exact same feeling. My bad:( My love life before the age of 18? Umm. i just had a crush with a senior in high school and that's all, nothing more.

     

    ==========================================

    Dear Mark,

    Yes that's true, i dont have any experience in dating.

    Umm, my bestfriends are only girls…  Ok, i'll try that, thanks Mark!!

     

    #202611

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Minnivei:

    By “your experience with love.. before the age of 18”, I meant your experience with love at home, with your parents, primarily. Was there love there for you, and was there love in your heart, as a child- what was that love like?

    anita

    #203285

    Minnivei
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Umm.. As a child? It's really hard for me to explain. When i was young, my parents were busy looking for money because back then my family was quite poor, so I never had deep discussions with my parents. Maybe the love that i received when i was kid mostly in the form of act from my parents. Like back then, my father always drove me to school, my mom always prepared a lunchbox for me. That's all

    #203301

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Minnivei:

    In your original post you asked: “Does love have to feel like butterflies in your stomach in the beginning? I don't feel it, does it mean I just don't love him?”

    The butterflies you mentioned in regard to a man in your life, there is a sexual component to it. Another component to the loving feeling you have or don't have to a man is not sexual.

    The non sexual component is what I asked you about, your childhood experience with your parents. You answered: “I never had deep discussions with my parents”.

    Having deep discussions with a man will be love for you, won't it?

    You wrote: “back then, my father always drove me to school, my mom always prepared a lunchbox for me. That's all.”

    In your original post you wrote that you have “zero dating experience”, at 22. When you imagine a date, what does it consist of, what activity or activities?

    anita

    #203587

    Minnivei
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    For me, dating means getting know each other, helping your significant other when he has a problem, a place to tell your life story, always be there for each other through the thick and thin(?)

    Thank you Anita.

     

    #203595

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Minnivei.

    anita

    #203613

    Lilly
    Participant

    Dear Minnivei:

    As all topics, love is a very heterogenous one. Is good to compare but not in the way expecting how you felt once, will happen exactly again. Relax, keep it flowing and you will find your own answers. Even if you are or you are not feeling satisfied with the relation, trust me: You will walk in the path you define day by day.

    Stay positive!!! Give it a chance 🙂 or in better words: Give yourself a chance.

    #203803

    HealingWords
    Participant

    Minnivei,

    I want to let you know that your not alone in your experience. I am also a 22 year old female with no dating experience. Before this year, I had fallen in love only once and maybe had a few crushes. I understand how it feels to have so little interest in men because the feeling isnt there, and that makes dating them undesirable, but then feel so inexperienced that it's a question to date someone you have little interest in just to gain experience. I also know the feeling of having intense love for someone that will never return it. I really cant give you answers or advice to fall in love or if dating people helps because I am in the same boat as you. I do think that there is no one way to love, prehaps you dont have feelings for men because you haven't met the right people and you know it. I didnt't start developing feelings for many men until this year when I found my right crowd in situations where I deeply could understand the people I was with. It is up to you if you want to date someone you intially don't feel attracted to, maybe you will learn to love someone as you know them better. But don't feel like you have to. I try to build more friendships with men and when the right one comes along, I trust that I will know.

     

    Best,

    Laure

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