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December 15, 2016 at 5:52 pm #122827
HarryParticipantThank you for the advice Anita. Like you know I don’t have many friend because of my hearing problem. I am working on it. However, I feel like I am so boring. I don’t feel like I enjoy life. All I do is go to college, and work. I don’t know how to look at it because I feel like I am inadequate and boring around people. I am not even that modern like others of my generation. I hate thinking in my head because this is straying me from my career path. Regarding the girl who I like, I am going to try my best to be good friends with her, but I need to be prepared to let her go when she leaves for college. How do you suggest that? With all of my other feelings, I feel like I have no real talent and don’t know anything.
December 15, 2016 at 8:15 pm #122832
AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
You are welcome. Going to college and working, two things you do, is a lot more than many people do.
I wish you felt better about yourself, feeling adequate, interesting, attractive and knowledgeable. But the fact that you don’t feel these things does NOT mean you are not these things. You are adequate, I am sure of it. You are interesting and knowledgeable. About being modern: lots of what is modern is not good or attractive.
Regarding thinking too much:if you only had someone to talk to, you would think less. In the college you attend, is there a counselor you can ask about support group… and maybe one-to-one or group counseling?
You asked how you can prepare to let the girl at work leave for college, do you mean you already miss her, got attached to her?
I will answer a few more posts before my bedtime and be back in ten hours or so to read your answer.
anita
December 16, 2016 at 4:29 am #122852HarryParticipantThank you Anita. True, if I had more people to converse with, I would Definetely think less and maybe feel more adequate and a little more connected. I guess I feel I always do everything alone. I feel I never socialize, just always reading, and doing things to increase my general knowledge and Improving myself. That kind of eats me. My college friends don’t really talk much, they have their own social lives. Yes, at my college, there is counseling, but it doesn’t help me deal with these weird feelings. With the girl, yes I am out of town, but I do miss her. I guess I get attached to people very quickly. So, that’s something I need to prepare for, how? I guess I get attached because there are very few people M I talk to, so I think I kind of overwork them haha.
Thank youDecember 16, 2016 at 7:44 am #122864AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
There is nothing that can substitute for your need to socialize, to connect with people: no amount of reading, of self improvement, a career, academics- none of these can satisfy your need to connect and be connected.
The only way is to connect. You are doing it right here, on this thread and as you reply to others (on another thread recently, still an ongoing thread, the OP answered your reply).
But in-person connections, good connections, would be the very best for you. No wonder you get attached to people you talk with a bit (the girl at work)- that is so, because your need is so strong. When you talked to her and she talked to you, and was nice to you, that awakened your strong need and you are driven for more connection with her.
Somehow, you must find a friend, someone. I wrote to you before: look around you, look away from the groups of the external-stuff-popular-looking-people. Look behind them for a person sitting alone, needing the same thing as you do, to connect one-to-one.
anita
December 17, 2016 at 6:11 pm #122949HarryParticipantI agree Anita. I need to find more people to connect with. I have 2 things to talk about. I took a road trip to see my mom and uncle this week. With my sister, my mom, and myself in the same car, I felt like I wanted to be alone. I did not know what to talk about. My sister and mom talked about past and memories of our family. Now, I don’t remember memories with my father, just through my mom and sisters stories. I don’t know why, but it didn’t feel like family. I guess, I don’t like talking about emotional stuff and life, but rather prefer to do activities with family. Now after I came to my uncle she house, we spent time together with family. That felt a little good, with my mom, sister, myself, grandma, and my uncle’s family. I figure I constantly have mood changes. I just don’t know what to do with them. I guess I always feel I am boring, so I see everything is boring. I need help in how to shift my mood to gratefulness and seeing life as enough. I want to find happiness in everything I do and ave a growth mindset. I am sorry for the jumble of words and repitition.
December 17, 2016 at 7:08 pm #122951AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
You had a lot of bad experience growing up with the uncle who abused you, not having anyone to protect you: your father wasn’t there and your mother was too busy working. There were some good experiences here and there, be it as little as enjoying a good cake one evening when your uncle was in a good mood and your mother seemed happy.
So when you ride with your mother and sister, you still feel lonely and disconnected, just like you felt most of the time with them. There is no surprise here. And you wanted to be alone, probably because you didn’t want to hear their memories. Maybe they remember the past not the way it was, but way better than it was. And that made you feel lonely, alone with your bad memories.
Later you felt a bit good because in every childhood, no matter how bad it is, there are some good memories.
The Boring feeling you have, I think it is about you being alone and lonely. Not connected.
If your family didn’t abuse you (your uncle) and noticed that you were abused and distressed (your mother), and then talked to you and comforted you, then you would have been connected to them.
Having been abused on one hand, and NOT NOTICED, NOT SEEN, made you almost invisible, as if you didn’t exist. It is … boring to not exist.
It is as if we don’t really exist unless someone sees us, notices us, cares for us.
What do you think and feel about what I wrote here?
anita
December 18, 2016 at 3:10 pm #122979HarryParticipantHey Anita. I totally think you hit the mark. Although I love being in family and probably think of family often. I always compare myself to a friend, who has a great family. But I didn’t like to talk about past and problems with my sister and mother. They never do anything, other than gossiping and talking about everything Will be good and talking about life problems. I want to just enjoy life and do something, not just talk about stuff. So, I don’t even know what other families do when they get together, just curious because usually for me it feels like nothing. That’s also the reason why I need more and deeper connection with people. That’s probably the reason why I always question about life’s purpose, and deeply think and ruminate in my head.thats the root why I have so many mental issues sometimes. What do you think?
Thank youDecember 18, 2016 at 7:07 pm #122988AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
I definitely had a whole lot of mental issues because I was so alone and lonely, scared and sad in my family. How can a child- and later an adult- NOT have mental issues when growing up in an abusive neglectful family, with no one to notice the child? It is impossible.
We overthink and ruminate because we are anxious. We are anxious because we are not connected.
I think you can heal from your mental issues, over time, if you connect. Keep connecting here.
I think that most people are not happy with their families and for good reasons! A family needs to be a SAFE place, a place where a child is NOT afraid. If the child is afraid in the context of a family, of course the child develops mental issues. How can it be otherwise.
anita
December 21, 2016 at 11:33 am #123221HarryParticipantHi, Anita. I just came home from my trip. It feels dull because when I was visiting my mom, I had a bigger space to live in and familiar people around. Now, I am into a dorm-like place with my sister. I know she cares for me, but usually, I feel like I don’t want to live with her, just maybe see her once in a while. I kind of isolate myself from her, because I feel like I am reminded of past, but I shouldn’t feel that way if I have let go of my past. I also isolate myself because I don’t like to hang out with her since she is seven years older than me, so we only talk about same stuff and memories. I don’t know why, but living with my family is kind of hard. I prefer to be alone, but still, yearn their connection. I mean right now I miss mom and I know she loves me and cares for me very much. I know that I need a connection from others, and I am not boring. However, I feel that I need to experience life more and learn to appreciate what I have. I need help in finding how can I see the bright side of everything, and experience life than just surviving it? I feel I need to do this because I have a hard time practicing gratitude, and feel like why do anything with life? Why have friends when most will leave you? Why trouble yourself with people when you can just enjoy? I hate these questions because they make me feel even more disconnected and isolated with the world. How do you feel I am doing with healing so far?
Thank you for your help
HarryDecember 21, 2016 at 1:25 pm #123236AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
Back from your trip! I agree with you where you stated: “I need a connection from others, and I am not boring.”
You wrote: “I don’t know why, but living with my family is kind of hard.” – I know because I read your posts: living with your family is hard because you were abused by some and neglected by others.
You wrote: “I shouldn’t feel that way if I have let go of my past.” – we can’t not feel what we feel. There are no good or bad feelings. All the feelings we have should be listened to, as they try to tell us something important.
You can’t let go of the past as it is stuck in your brain and brain cells don’t die and get replaced (like other cells).
You wrote: “I prefer to be alone, but still, yearn their connection.”- you keep yearning for the connection you did not and do not have. The “feel good” times you do have with them are short moments far in between.
You wrote: “I need help in finding how can I see the bright side of everything, and experience life than just surviving it?” I disagree: better see the REAL side of everything, the “good, the bad and the ugly”- all of it.
To experience life instead of just surviving it, you do need connection with people, only not with the people not available for connection, like those who talk to you (not with you), those who tell you about their chosen memories instead of about how you feel now and how they feel and what is going on.
You asked how you are doing with your healing- I say you are doing well. You are here, communicating with me (and some with others, those who are available here). You are entertaining the thought that you are not boring- this IS healing.
You are not boring, not at all. Keep posting.
anita
December 22, 2016 at 7:57 am #123298HarryParticipantThank you, Anita, for bringing in that light into me! Although this may contradict my previous thinking, I just want your thoughts on my journal entry:
Sup bro! I had a good trip this week. I left next morning at 5 and drove until 12:00. That’s the longest I have driven. It was fun. I honestly enjoy going on a trip and listening to my favorite music on high. Well, I saw my mom and we went to PA to visit my uncle for the weekend. The drive to PA was terrible because NJ had so much ducking traffic, and people drive rough there. Visiting my uncle was fun, I got to meet my cousin, and grandma as well! Well, then I got a little bored because all we did was play x box, not really going anywhere or doing something new. Well, we prank called. A lot. We occupied peoples time by asking them weird questions. Overall visiting family was fun, but I feel that we never do anything. Maybe I still don’t have that deep connection with my uncle and all, so I did not feel the intensity of closeness as I would usually. I also did Christmas shopping and got myself a new watch, Nike sweatpants, and gonna get a new game to play. I still did not feel good about myself after shopping. I know I need that deep genuine connection. However, I feel like I have turned into a dull person: I don’t feel that excitement, that energy, that vitality I used to have when I was younger. I want to feel like I live life fully, not just a dull person. This is the source of my boringness usually.
Thank you
HarryDecember 22, 2016 at 8:19 am #123300AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
Reading your journal entry gives me a better understanding of what you meant before when you wrote that you feel boring. I thought you meant only that you thought you were boring to others. Now I understand that you meant/ mean that you feel dull, numb, not lively, not joyful.
I think you feel this way as a result of a combination of things: your job doesn’t stimulate you, your studies don’t stimulate you much; no social stimulation, not in conversations about external-stuff with peers, nor memory-rehashing, shopping or computer games with family members.
“Why do anything?” – the title of your thread- means more to me now. Without that lively, joyful motivation- why do anything.
I don’t know where to go from here, beyond my previous recommendation that you … (I sure repeat myself) connect with others, that is talk about what matters to you, what does interest you.
Here is an idea: why don’t you write about an imaginary day in your life where you are lively and joyful- what would you be doing, saying, thinking, feeling?
anita
December 23, 2016 at 4:18 pm #123394HarryParticipantThank you, Anita, I have written something in my journal about your idea:
I have always dreamed of being in a family where mom and dad are great. Where, there is family dinner together every day, talking about everything. A family that always does something together after dinner, like playing games, or watching television together, and having fun. Then, in the family, we do something every weekend.On weekend, the family cleans the house, children learn how to do cook and other things from parents. Then, on special holidays, the family does something great every year, including traveling to different places. This is the family aspect. Now with myself, living fullest means doing something with friends every week, having fun and trying new things. I am passionate about something and have many interests in addition to acquaintances. Plus, I am friendly, laughing and enjoying life in every moment, looking forwards
That’s me in my imaginary life. I was wondering myself. I feel like I don’t want to succeed, like I am not passionate enough, good enough. I don’t know how, but I need help in self-discipline and somehow pushing my mind to feel like I am good enough, and keep doing, than always comparing myself and simply thinking all the time. So, what do you suggest Anita?
Thank you
HarryDecember 23, 2016 at 7:57 pm #123417AnonymousGuestDear Harry:
In your exercise, you wrote that in your imaginary family, the people eat dinner together, talk to each other about everything, play games together, watch TV together; parents teaching the children how to cook and other skills; travel together. In your imaginary social life, you have fun with friends, trying new things with friends, sharing interests, laughing together.
“Why do anything?” (the title of your thread) – because someone cares about you, someone wants to know how you feel and what you think, listens to you with empathy, asks questions so to get to know you better, makes you feel understood, liked, wanted.
In your exercise, clearly, you need this kind of connection, this kind of togetherness. This is what will motivate you to learn new things, pursue interests, travel, etc.
You asked what I suggest- what I always suggest, to find that connection, that togetherness. There is no other way. From your last visit with family, mother, sister, uncle and cousins (as I remember), the connection you need is not there, unfortunately. There is no talking about things that matter, there is no teaching and learning, sharing interests, laughing… the connection is not there, and there is nothing you can do about it. It is not your fault, never has been. It is just not there.
Elsewhere, find it elsewhere. I see no other way. I know it is difficult, it may seem even impossible… but it is possible and if you pursue it wisely, it will happen, you will see.
anita
December 24, 2016 at 12:35 pm #123491HarryParticipantThank you Anita. This type of connection definitely seems impossible to attain. I guess I feel like I am dull and not living fully because I don’t do new activities at all. It seems hard to connect, hard to feel alive truly like I did as a child. I feel like all I do is what is necessary to be successful in getting a good career, but my mental grit is very low. I guess it’s so low because I don’t have any childhood memories that I actually remember, and not a strong connection. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like I should only pursue career goals, but I find it hard to balance it with having fun, and togetherness. I feel distant. Finding this connection seems hard. I need to something about believing in myself more and keep on going. Although I am trying to connect with current distant friends, it is hard because I am not too close with any of them. Plus, all of them are spending time with their family, and rarely respond. Well, Merry Christmas Anita! I hope you have a great time with family and friends yourself.
Thank you
Harry -
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