Hi Kirk,

I feel for you! Through your words, there is a clear situation here that is unfortunate to read. This is a painful place to be in!

Living in the relationship, and being invested so deeply has its rewards, and tends to come with blinkers, unless you are very self aware throughout the relationship. It is difficult to see many things, and once children are a part of the picture, the tendency to overlook traits becomes even greater. So much more leniency involved for the sake of your child.

I will focus this on part of your original comment. Symbolism!

Peoples lives (living situation), are a reflection of their mind. To be around someone for a length of time daily, allows an insight into their thoughts and feelings. As you get used to the living situation, you forget that its a reflection of their mind, as it becomes ‘normal’. As an example, a messy car usually means a messy home, and a messy mind.

The wedding ring:- A symbol of the relationship, and the commitment to it. This says a truck load of things…. Note though, if you have chosen to wear yours still, or agreed not to whilst farming etc….. If it is agreed, then the action is understandable. Taking a ring off without discussing it, losing it without batting eye, and not wanting to replace it, is a clear indication the commitment to the relationship is over. Is this resolvable…. yes…. as long as both people want to! Where did she lose the ring? Whilst at work or home?

Contribution:- A relationship is sharing…. sharing of time, space, love etc… Relationship = How you relate to something/someone. The symbolism of taking care of your inner word, which shows in your outer world. I understand there are two sides of the story, but I also see a clear situation here. How you relate to your life/lifestyle reveals how you relate to yourself. You work hard on the outside, and also on the inside. I see a resistance in your wife to do anything unless she has no choice. How would she be without your self discipline being shared everyday, and your demonstration of hard work within and in the outside world…. Is she a good Mom when you are not there? Is her work that important to her? If so, why not be motivated to get her licence herself, and drive herself? How would she live having to run a whole house by herself? Is she committed to herself and her evolution as a being?

The above is more about you gaining a different perspective. Look at the symbolisms, to see through your emotions, and engrained habits, and previous accepted traits. Symbolisms take the blinkers off what we choose to see, and allow us to see what actually is.

Also note…. there are two people demonstrating in your house, and your Son is learning from both. He has his own journey to travel, and you can not take his steps for him. However you can guide his feet whilst young, to allow him to experience a sure footing before the next step.

Best

Evan

Kirk,
You said – “The note is partly true, I don’t want to be HER father.” I couldn’t agree with you more! Her behaviors and choices seem as others have said: immature. And, being a nice-happy guy, wanting to do the right thing…you have inadvertently become an enabler. I do believe you have pulled it together and started making some better choices however. Example, telling her you refused to drive her to work that Monday. The consequences or result of that action seem very telling of your wife’s state of being – she wrote a note, and called into question your interest in being a father. No mention it seems of questioning your interest in being a good husband, provider, friend or person. She intended for you to feel hurt, obviously…generally a choice made when a person feels hurt themselves. And the mention of “father” is telling – she feels hurt perhaps by her choice to be a mother. Just a guess!

My summation of this all – she is young, she didn’t realize how much would be involved in being married, keeping a house, helping provide, being a wife and a mom too. She seeks opportunities to escape it all and also avoids anything that imparts responsibility on her part.

You seem like a caring, bright, hardworking, sensible guy…but it does take two to dance. In this case, I hope the best for you and do hope counseling helps…but my heart + mind in sync say this: it’s time for you to find a new dance partner! While you are at it, make sure you seek full custody of your child while giving her rights to spend time with the child. Your son will need stability of same home, same bed, predictable schedule – food – clothing – shelter that it seems only you can provide…not to mention, her record with driving and adult responsibility (i.e. court appearances missed, suspended license) seem indicative of someone who I would think is risky to be the primary parent/custodian.

Release her and yourself is what my intuition tells me. Your son will see you stronger, happier, and more whole and will be just fine…just make sure his momma has time with him too – limited time perhaps until she can exhibit more dependable, mature behaviors and choices.

Sorry, wish I could jump in and say “stick with it” but this just seems like it is time to choose a new dance partner!

Wishing you all the best,
Bebedough (Midwestern USA)

Dear Kirk:

And she is very close with her mother? Supporting her mother in everything the mother does? What do you know of your wife’s relationship with her mother as a child and currently? And what is her relationship with her father, as a child and now?

Understanding more can help you.

anita

Dear Kirk:

A history like that would make a child (your wife) quite disturbed. The two men you described in the mother’s life sound like you, hard working and not the trouble makers that the mother is. Hmmm… Did your wife behave one way while not speaking to her mother (beginning of your relationship with her) and a different way once the mother was back in her life?

anita

Dear Kirk:

So the mother’s policy is “divide and conquer”? When she turned the children against their father, that was divide-and-conquer. And over a year now, she’s been separating your wife from you. This is how she takes advantage of your wife’s attachment to her mother, the price for that attachment is to not have one with you?

If so, can’t fix the marriage unless she is back to unspeaking terms with her mother and then, she would probably need therapy so to stay on unspeaking terms with her mother. You can go to couple therapy with your wife, have a great session, let’s say, then she gets together with her mother and all the work evaporates, gone.

The attachment of a child to her mother is very strong and your wife is still attached. That is a great force that has been pulling her away from you for a long time. What do you think about my projection that as long as she is in contact with her mother, this is not going to work?

anita

Dear Jonny:

I agree with you, that what  is right for you to do is to separate from your wife, to do so legally with the best interest of  you and your children, the  minor child, being 12 and the young adult, twenty years old.

Lots of things can be  worked  on and improved in a relationship, but “Foul languages, finding fault with   me and kids is her daily routine  now” is a big enough reason to separate as soon as  possible.  I hope you see a good divorce lawyer and proceed with the  legal requirements  for a  separation.

Post again anytime  you’d like and I will be glad to reply to you.

anita

Dear jonny:

Problem is you and I have different values: I see the  problem primarily in your wife mistreating her children: “Foul languages, finding fault with me and kids is her daily routine”. You, on the other hand, see finances as a higher value.

I  very much believe the wife and husband should contribute financially as  each is  able, yes, but I see mistreatment of children as more problematic.

You believe that it is very important “in kids life to have  both parents”. I, on the other hand, believe it is most important for kids to not live with a parent who mistreats them. Better have one parent who treats them well, then two parents in the home, one  of which mistreats them.

It  is your primary responsibility to treat your kids well. Part of this responsibility is to protect them from your wife who mistreats them.

Therefore my number #1 in my plan would  be not that your wife  must stop communicating with her sister, but that she must  stop mistreating the children (and you, in their presence), and I would list to her specifically the ways she mistreats them, so that it is clear to her.

anita