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Let me begin by sharing my story: My wife and I met eight years ago tomorrow. Since that moment, we have built a beautiful life: lots of laughing, conversations about most things natural, in careers that serve others: She’s an Oncology Nurse administering Chemotherapy treatment and I am an educator in a disadvantaged community, and people have literally told us that we just “look like we fit perfectly together”. We have an incredible four-year-old son, who both of us cherish. There is no infidelity (to the best of my knowledge) and nothing major between although I am aware that we both have our own personal issues to address, which I will describe in a moment. Despite acknowledging that “one cannot truly love another until they love themselves” we both do the best we can lead mostly fulfilling emotional and physical lives although we both lack a real social life beyond our marriage, which I think is a big part of our decline.
About five weeks ago, we returned from a family vacation that everyone seemed to really enjoy. A few days later, my wife seemed off, and when I discussed what I was noticing, she dropped the bombshell of “I am no longer in love with you. I want a divorce”. It shocked me and lead me to a place of agony and anxiety, but I am doing my best to keep my composure for our family and for myself. We are currently in couple’s therapy, which she says is all about how we coparent and make the transition apart, and has no interest in working on our relationship. We are both additionally seeing our own therapists for support and our house in on the market with expectation that I move out in the next few weeks.
At this point, you’re probably wondering “how did they get to this point?”, so let me shed some light. My wife has always struggled with depression. She has not taken medication nor addressed it in about five years because of bad experiences prior. Since our son was born, she says that she has experienced gradually mixed feelings for me until they eventually become non-existent. She apologizes for withdrawing after the birth of our child, a highly stressful time as she was also changing careers and working on her nursing degree, and never bringing it up to me. I am a generally peaceful person, who sometimes gets anxious or stressed, but nothing that stands out that might have lead to this decision out of seemingly nowhere (and before trying anything else). She also drives nearly two hours round trip to work each day, and I have noticed a change in her demeanor since beginning work and being around women who could become good friends socially. She blames me for not having friends on our own prior although I did try to work on establishing relationships with other couples. Her need for personal friendships is something I have come to realize and would never stand in her way.
Additionally, my wife has struggled with an eating disorder- binge eating and racking up considerably high debts on a secret credit card at one point. When these things happen I support and show my love in every way that I know how (finding support groups for her, buying books, suggesting that we attend counseling together or seek medical attention) but up until recently she did not feel ready to do anything about it. She says that she doesn’t know why it’s happening and I am aware of the incredible pain and burden it must create to take this on for herself. I feel so much sadness for her and know that both depression and an eating disorder are things that she will ultimately need to address beyond my love and support.
The final element that has been a wrecking force in our marriage is her mother, who has been divorced from her father for 16 years, never dated since, and relies on her daughter for emotional support daily. After she was diagnosed with cancer, her mother has created a psychological codependency by living with us for three years and never giving us any space to be ourselves or create everyday intimacy. I have tried to support and honor her mother, caring for her after her tumor was removed (her cells have not advanced and she leads a relatively healthy life at this point), and trying not to bicker with her when she tries to interfere with our lives or become a third parent to our son, but we have argued at times. Whenever I have tried to bring this up, she accuses me of putting her in the middle of two people she loves, which I explain has never been my intention, yet boundaries should have been established, but she does not think her mother is an issue or at least will not address it.
She must feel trapped in many ways: a demanding and stressful job that watches patients often die, being a mother to a young child, being responsible for caring for her own mother’s emotional needs before her own, and then trying to have a functional relationship with her husband all while managing her own demons.
I am trying to take each day as they come and have acknowledged my own shortcomings in the relationship as well as my resent. I have asked her for forgiveness and have resigned to work on myself while loving her unconditionally, expecting nothing in return for the acts of love I show her daily. We continue to have an incredibly respectful and kind relationship, and continue to spend much of our free time together. She says this is for my son more than anything, but she continues to spend a considerable amount of time with me alone by her own choice as well. At this point, she has slightly backed off from the word “divorce” but has asked me to find an apartment and offered to help me to view some this weekend. I am trying to be strong, do all the right things, but am so confused as to how we got this far so quickly and how somebody could who has become my best friend and lover could toss eight years away as well as hurt our child without trying everything in her power first. I will give her all the time and space she needs because I love her, but accepting the finality of things is difficult this quickly and it does not “add up” so to speak. Is this separation necessary? She says she must find herself, but doesn’t know how the separation affect us going forward, and can only trust her own feelings of being totally out love with me today. She knows where I stand, but I am terrified.
Any advice is greatly honored and appreciated.
Just wondering if she might have undiagnosed bipolar II. Just the depression and the wracking up expensive on credit cards could be a bit of an indicator of that. Bipolar II sufferers tend to want to end relationships when they are a bit manic, only to regret it later. Not sure if you noticed any hypomania (which again can be quite subtle).
Those with Bipolar II tend to be more on the depressed side with only hypomanic states, so not so obvious.
I’m sorry to read about your circumstances and would like to share a little advice of my own. I was in a relationship for 5 and a half years and the person I considered the love of my life blind-sided me with the news that he didn’t want to be together anymore. As difficult as this loss was, I can say that I came out the other side. My first step was realizing that I couldn’t “make” him feel a certain way about me. I had to practice a lot of “radical acceptance” (google this term- it’s helped me a lot). Also, when I thought about it rationally, I didn’t want to be in a non-reciprocal relationship. So, I let go. I let him have his space and started to make arrangements for myself. I treated myself to new, nice bedding. I found a new place in a neighborhood across from a park that I loved. After roughly 10 months he actually came around and started talking about getting back together.
Sometimes this happens, sometimes it doesn’t. In my case, I made the decision that our time had passed and I wanted to continue the process of letting go and moving on. This may sound heartbreaking and sad, but I turned to the forums of Tiny Buddha a lot and the advice people gave me was: let go; every single thing in life changes- and sometimes these changes bring us to a path that is happy and fulfilling in the end.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 