Home→Forums→Relationships→Will He Love Me The Way I Deserve?
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Tim.
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June 25, 2020 at 6:57 am #359466
HarliParticipantI’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, the whole time long distance. He loves me very much, but he doesn’t love me the same way I love him.
There is some quote about a relationship bridge and how both people need to meet in the middle of the bridge. He says he is trying so hard to meet me in the middle, and it makes him feel really guilty and sad that I feel he’s not meeting me enough. But I have felt this way for 2 years…
I don’t know if I can blame all this on the distance.. he should hopefully be here with me soon. We haven’t seen each other 8 months (especially because of covid).
I’m afraid of wasting my time and love and energy on someone who will never fully show up and give me what I deserve, but I also love him deeply and we are so compatible and aligned that I don’t want to throw things away..
We talk about things openly and he is really loving and supportive.. I am just afraid.
June 25, 2020 at 8:26 am #359506
AnonymousGuestDear Harli:
“He loves me very much, but he doesnt love me the same way I love him”- people love differently, no two people love “the same way”.
* What does he say and do that leads you to believe that he loves you very much?
“There is some quote about a relationship bridge and how both people need to meet in the middle of the bridge. He says he is trying so hard to meet me in the middle.. I feel he’s not meeting me enough.. I have felt this way for 2 years”-
– it is possible that he is not meeting you in the middle, examples, (1) you message him and he regularly doesn’t answer you, or he responds late. (2)You save your money so to visit him but he saves none of his money so to visit you.
* What does he say and do (or what does he not say and do) that makes you feel that he is not meeting you in the middle?
It is also possible that no matter what he (or anyone) does, you will still feel the way you do. I’ve known women who have such strong emotional needs/unsatisfied cravings for attention and love ever since childhood, that no man in their adult lives can satisfy such long ago unsatisfied emotional craving.
anita
June 25, 2020 at 9:33 am #359514HarliParticipantHi Anita,
he is currently in South Africa and I am in America. I was meant to go with him, but they shut down the border and wouldn’t let me in. They still won’t let me in, but for almost 2 months now he can come here. He is doing physio to work on his back (he has chronic pain) in South Africa. I asked him to please go sign up and do his physio for 3 weeks and then come.
he took almost 3 weeks to start the physio after I asked him.. 😓 I would be on the first plane available months ago, but his pain is his first priority. Which I understand, and support. But I would hope that he would prioritize my needs and request to do things in a timely manner.
he also still cannot say he chooses me… I can easily say this, but he says he still has things about our relationship he is uncertain about, but that he dosnt want to break up. I feel that at 2 years into it, he should be able to “choose” me. It makes me feel silly and undervalued. I feel that I deserve to be fully loved and chosen.
I think the last paragraph you wrote is highly possible, maybe it’s a little bit of both of us. Maybe my expectations are too high and unrealistic, and maybe he isn’t completely giving what he should.
I am afraid that my internal system telling me to stay or go is off.. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel very unhappy though..
June 25, 2020 at 10:00 am #359523AnonymousGuestDear Harli:
In your original post you wrote: “He loves me very much.. he is really loving and supportive”. In your second post you wrote: “he says he still has things about our relationship he is uncertain about, but that he doesnt want to break up”-
– if he felt “very much” love for you, if he was “really” loving, I imagine he would not be in between breaking up with you and that he would be certain about committing to a lifetime relationship with you.
“I am afraid that my internal system telling me to stay or go is off.. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel very unhappy though”- maybe I can help you figure out the right thing to do by asking you the right questions. Here is one: what did he say to you regarding his hesitation to choose you as his lifetime partner?
(Do you think that it is possible that he is not in a hurry to travel and see you because he is worried about catching Covid-19 on the plane ?)
anita
June 25, 2020 at 12:26 pm #359534AnonymousInactiveHarli
It sound like he is putting obstacles between you , distant , pain etc .
Did you attempt to break it off and see how he responds …. set him free and see if he returns .
This way you will know for sure if he is interested , my guess is he is not based on his behaviour .
You deserve better , put you focus and energy in meeting someone who is local , that you can have proper dates with , some that will fall in love with you. Some one who will meet you in the middle
Tony
June 25, 2020 at 1:33 pm #359540
TimParticipantHi @Harli,
Being a man, I agree with Tony. It appears he is not as invested as you are. You most definitely deserve better, if he loved you then there would be an equal investment and you’d be met in the middle, this is true of any relationship. The thing about LDR is a lot of men require the physical presence of their significant other. If they are not seeing you regularly then the relationship can head downhill pretty rapidly. Both individuals need to be 100% in and work a tad harder with LDR. Do not waste your time and energy if after such a long time your needs are still not being met, chances are you’ve both just become accustomed to the status quo. To move relationships forward it requires energy, effort, and growth from both.
Even if you love him, believe me when I say the unfulfillment will keep rising and eventually cause a toxic dynamic or resentment. You deserve to be loved in the way you want, go find that instead of settling. By setting a significant other free if they actually love you, they will not be able to be without you and within few months will fight to meet you in the middle. I wouldn’t hold out hope. Instead go focus on yourself, like Tony said find someone closer and enjoy having a person who meets your needs too.
Tim
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