Dear Jana:

“It’s a pity that I am not a good writer/speaker. I have a lot of pleasant emotions, feelings which I would love to share but I can never find the right words”- You may not realize it, Jana, but you just found the right words. Your message beautifully expresses your heartfelt emotions and your desire to share them. That, to me, is the essence of good writing.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about expressing your true self. You’ve done that here, and I believe you have a natural gift for it. Keep sharing your feelings, and the right words will continue to come.

“Of course, I am okay with that. Why do you think that I wouldn’t be?”- because I was wondering if you felt that I was making your thread more about me than about you. Many of my replies to you were long or very long. Do you prefer shorter replies in your thread?

“It is not so black and white. I think that suffering, traumas, pain can give us good things, too… even though it takes time to understand that.”- the positive outcomes from suffering, trauma, and pain emerge, when they do, after these experiences are processed, understood, and healed from. Gaining insight into what and who caused the trauma, insight into the effect of the trauma on one’s behavior, mental- emotional health is necessary for healing, as well as allowing oneself to feel and process emotions associated with trauma and pain (giving emotions the space they need). Suppressing or ignoring these feelings hinder recovery.

Healing is often an ongoing journey, as you know. It’s a continuous process of growth, learning, and self-discovery, and it is a pleasure 😊for me, Jana, to witness your growth, learning and self- discovery as you express yourself in your various threads and replies to other members❤️

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you! I just wrote to you on your other thread that the forums are my learning playground, so this morning I want to learn more about “this fear of people” (your words).

In your original post, Nov 7, 2024, you described feeling trapped in several parts of your story:

“I couldn’t just leave because when I did, I got scolded by adults. I lost my ‘independence’ and ‘control’ over the situation”, “I was trapped in a place where I wasn’t welcomed and regularly attacked by bullies and I wasn’t allowed to leave… actually I was literally ordered to stay without discussion”, “I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away”.

Humans are physiologically animals. How do animals react to being trapped?

Short term reactions: 1. Flight or Fight Response: animals either try to escape the situation or prepare to defend themselves. There is an increase in heart rate and muscle tension to prepare for immediate action.

2. Freeze Response: some animals exhibit a freeze response, where they become motionless to avoid detection by predators, staying hidden and avoiding drawing attention, waiting for the danger to pass before they shake the freeze, so to speak, and resume normal movement and life.

Long-Term Reactions: 1. Chronic Stress: elevated ongoing levels of stress hormones like cortisol, making the animal more susceptible to diseases. Chronically stressed, animals may exhibit abnormal behaviors, such as repetitive movements, self-mutilation, or aggression.

2. Learned Helplessness: over time, animals may develop learned helplessness, where they stop trying to escape because they believe their efforts are futile. This can lead to depression-like symptoms, including lethargy and loss of interest in activities.

3. Physical Health Issues: prolonged stress can lead to weight loss and decreased appetite and reduced fertility.

In your original post, Jana, you described physical symptoms like shaking and feeling sick when going to school. This fits with the long-term reactions of other animals to being trapped, as chronic stress leads humans and other animals to elevated stress hormones, which can suppress the immune system and cause other health issues.

“I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away, and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”- “from which I couldn’t run away” highlights your feeling of being trapped and powerless to escape, as in no matter what you do, you cannot change your situation or get away from the hostile environment.

“and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it”: feeling that your sensitive nature makes or made you unable to cope or fight back against the hostility. This adds to your sense of helplessness because you perceives (or perceived) yourself as inherently unable to handle the situation. These expressions reveal your belief that you had no control over those circumstances and were unable to change or escape them.

Your physical and behavioral reactions to feeling trapped—such as anxiety, chronic stress, avoidance, and physical symptoms—parallel the responses seen in trapped animals. These reactions highlight the intense emotional and physical toll that feeling trapped and unsupported can have on an individual.

In your Nov 9 post, you described experiences with your neighbors and students, situations where you faced pressure, blame, and negativity. Your reactions to these situations: setting boundaries, opting for sensible approaches, and trying to remove yourself from toxic environments. Your reactions demonstrate your attempts to regain control and protect your emotional well-being. This is the undoing of learned helplessness and the path of healing.

In your Jan 1, 2025 post, you wrote: “It is very hard to be an introverted person in this very extroverted world and to be emotional and spiritual in a society which is very skeptical, pragmatic and materialistic”- feeling trapped in a society that doesn’t accept your introverted, emotional, and spiritual nature.

“The fact is that if I find myself in a situation when I have to defend myself, I feel a bit guilty when I do so… a bad program in my head, bad ego…”- feeling trapped by your internalized guilt and negative self-talk (“bad program in my head”) when you try to defend yourself.

“I am learning to defend myself with peace and compassion. If I can do this, I will be happier and people around me, too”- actively working on learning to defend yourself in a way that aligns with your values of peace and compassion.

“I am not afraid of people who do not like me anymore. It is okay! It is their right”- you developed a healthier attitude towards rejection, recognizing that it is normal and not a threat to your well-being.

This post reflects your journey from feeling trapped by societal expectations, blame, and internalized guilt to developing self-awareness, acceptance, and healthier coping mechanisms. Your reactions show a commitment to personal growth and embracing her true self with peace and compassion.

And now, to the title of your thread: “Will I ever be free of this fear of people?”- I’d say that you are already in the process of freeing yourself of your fear of people. The more power you take for yourself, according to your values (aggression is not a way to take power that fits your values), the freer you will be.

Here’s a short poem for you, Jana:

In the quiet whispers of your soul,
A strength within begins to grow.
You’ve faced the storms, the harshest cold,
Yet still you stand, brave and bold.

Embrace the power that’s yours to claim,
A beacon bright, an eternal flame.
With every step, let courage guide,
In life’s vast sea, let your spirit glide.

For in your heart, a warrior’s might,
To face the dark and seek the light.
With peace and love, your shield and sword,
You write your story, word by word.

When voices doubt and shadows fall,
Stand tall and heed your inner call.
For you possess the grace to soar,
Through every challenge, forever more.

So cherish all that makes you, you,
The introverted, tender, true.
With every breath, let power rise,
And paint the world with hopeful skies.

anita

You are welcome, Jana

😊 anita

Dear Jana:

External Validation: Approval from others. Internal Validation: Approval from self. Seeking external validation is a fundamental aspect of human nature and a basic human need, rooted in our social nature. Everyone seeks external validation from infancy and onward.

Your post brought something new to my attention: the distinction between healthy ways and unhealthy ways to seek external validation.

Examples of healthy ways- asking for specific feedback from trusted work colleagues on tasks for the purpose of improvement, sharing accomplishments or progress with supportive individuals, and openly sharing your feelings and experiences with empathetic friends or loved ones who can offer understanding and support.

Examples of unhealthy ways- people-pleasing: constantly saying yes to others, neglecting your own needs and boundaries so to gain acceptance, over-sharing: sharing too much personal information with acquaintances or strangers in hopes of receiving sympathy or attention, self deprecating: fishing for compliments by putting yourself down so to elicit reassurance and praise from others, drama creation: becoming the center of attention through conflicts or crises, instigating or exaggerating situations to draw attention and receive validation from the ensuing drama.

Unhealthy ways often lead to dependency and diminish self-esteem. Striving for a balance between healthy ways of seeking external validation and the prioritizing of internal validation is key to maintaining emotional well-being.

anita

Dear Jana:

You’ve articulated a very insightful perspective on external validation. 😊

Yes, I do think that external validation is often (not always) fleeting and can change based on how well one’s behavior, opinions, or characteristics align with another person’s internal validation standards. People’s approval is often conditional, based on whether someone fits their expectations and preferences.

Your calm and quiet nature may not align with a talkative and wild person’s internal validation, but personally, a calm, quiet, introverted nature (in-person) is just what I need from a person, as such a person has a calming affect on me, while being around a talkative, extroverted person makes me anxious.

Even when validation is initially given, it can be withdrawn if changes in opinions or behavior no longer match the other person’s internal validation framework, and therefore, such validation is indeed impermanent.

anita