Hi tiny buddha community,

I am looking for some wisdom and support.

It has been three years since my ex and I broke up, one year since we have not been in contact (except for 2 random and short text arguments after which he said it would be better if we didn’t communicate). We live on different continents (we were in the same location for most of the time we were together but couldn’t handle long distance).

Its been a very difficult past few years. A family member who I loved and who was like a second mother to me passed away. Two other elders in my family passed away who had been the people we would go to whenever my dad had a psychotic break. Then even more elders passed away, to where my grandparents generation is almost completely gone except for one person who has severe dementia. My meditation teacher who I was very close to went through a personal crises and stepped out of contact with his students. Mum retired and father went through many psychotic eps/2 fractures with multiple hospitalizations across the three years and is now bed bound. I was sexually harassed at work and filed a complaint/underwent the process and got the harasser fired. One of dad’s caretakers was crossing emotional boundaries so I no longer deal directly with him which means I am less involved in my dad’s care then I would like. I left an emotionally abusive job for two new part time jobs, but one of those jobs fell through due to external circumstances and I was in a financial crises for six months although now things are more stable (although still not able to save). I have also doubled my work hrs to be able to support mum post retirement.

Through all of this, I have tried to take care of myself as best I can. There are also things in my life that are exciting and I that I have worked to have. There are experiences I have had in the last year through work and friends that have been fulfilling, meaningful and fun. I have developed and grown as a person in so many ways. I am unrecognizable in how my confidence has changed, assertiveness, and in just being able to be able to relax and connect with others. I have had moments of connection with both of my parents that I never thought possible.

But now after my dad’s last surgery/hospitalization in Nov where we were told there was chance he might pass away during the surgery I am so tired. My dad is back home and stable, although bed bound. I have so much grief and exhaustion that I haven’t been able to even go meet him. I don’t feel like meeting any of my friends, conversation and connection both are feeling without value. I dont feel like meditating, dancing, swimming, going out or having nature time, all of these things that are my life line and have kept me stable and mentally ok through these last three years. All I want to do is curl up in my ex’s lap and have a good cry, but he isn’t here. All I wanted to do when the harassment was happening was to talk to him. I feel the need for his warmth and wisdom so much. There are other men who are interested in me, who even seem like good people (dated a string of bad news boys for one of the years in the middle), and who I can see myself exploring something with, but I don’t want anyone new right now, I just want to be with someone who I know and trust and feel safe with and miss so much. I feel like I have done all the things people say you should do to move on, but I keep coming back to thinking how much easier my life could be if he was just here, but he’s not. Its a reality that I cant seem to wrap my head around. I am stuck in a limbo of wanting things to be different, while knowing they can’t be. There were also problems in the relationship, we didn’t have clear communication, arguments were piling up and then he also had a string of really difficult events (mother passing away, brother having a psychotic break and attacking them, legal battle over the house) also during the last three years and he withdrew from me to the point that we really had no relationship left. Because he was also going through so much I was patient for very long but hurt and anger kept building up and eventually I had to just step away. Even now, I know there’s too much hurt and anger in me and when I try to picture us trying to have a relationship I can only imagine it imploding. So in all ways, I know its not a possibility. But I still wake up missing him and have to have a cry before I can start my day. When a day is really difficult like today was, all I want to do is see his face. I have other friends and a therapist but they can’t fix everything just by being there like he could.  I don’t know how to get out of this state, to where I’m able to appreciate and connect with the people around me, and where I want to fall in love again, and where I am excited to date again, but it seems like my grief for him gets bigger with time. It’s like I have already lost so much where I didn’t have a choice, here it feels like we both have the choice to be in each others lives but we are choosing separation and that feels really wrong.

I don’t know, this is an overlong post and I think some of it I really needed to get off my chest. Thank you for reading it and I would really appreciate your wisdom/advice/support.

Best,

M