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Will we drift apart?

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  • February 13, 2019 at 12:34 am #279967
    Lila
    Participant

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few years now and it is long-distance. In the first half of the relationship, he waited over a year to see me (because I wasn’t in the mindset to date, I was still just in my late teens). But after we kept meeting and became intimate I fell for him really hard. Last year he promised his childhood friends that he’d go on a trip with them to Bali, so he went. Of course, that was expensive (and he was going through a job change at that time), so he didn’t have a stable income. Because of this, he was unable to come and see me last year. I couldn’t visit him because I am still a student (and although I have a part-time job and money saved), it still wouldn’t be enough. If he lived in a European country it would be affordable but we live on opposite sides of the world. Anyway, we have dealt with this distance before so I could handle it.

    But now he does have a very demanding full-time job. I’ve tried openly communicating to him. Last time I told him I fully understand he is busy and under stress but that I need acknowledgement and attention too. I told him I wanted open and honest communication. He apologised, told me he kept avoiding conversation when he felt inadequate because he didn’t have money/couldn’t see me. He said he felt embarrassed and shameful as a boyfriend.  I reassured him that he could talk to me about everything (but he is quite proud and stubborn so I knew that wasn’t going to happen). After that, he called me every day for a week and then after that went back to texting me like 3 times a day. I’m also busy as a student so it’s not like I have time to wait around for his texts, but the more our communication withers I fear that so will the relationship.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Lila.
    February 13, 2019 at 10:19 am #280031
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    Welcome back.

    June of last year you mentioned a non specific plan that the two  of you will live in the same country at one point.

    I would also like to understand: so far in your twenty years of life,  how much time in person did you spend with him; how many times in total did you get together with him in person and for how long each time?

    anita

    February 28, 2019 at 12:13 am #282143
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you and I apologise for the late reply.

    Yes, that is still a plan we talk about but I’m trying not to push too much since he started his new job. He doesn’t want me living in his country because their work ethic is excessive and there are some cultural differences. He really loves my country and he knows how he can live here but he needs to save money and think about the plan more. He is always sincere with his word (my mother thinks so too) but he always wants to take things at his own pace. So he’s not exactly a ‘doer’. If he says he will come and visit me, he will- it might just be at the end of the year. And I should’ve seen the signs because last year I kept saying ‘when you come here’ and he never once agreed or said he was going to. Since he already knew he was going to Bali and wouldn’t be able to afford another holiday. But this year he is back to saying how he’s looking forward to seeing me and my cats again and my family. So I know that is what’s on his mind.

    In winter 2017 he came and visited me for over 1 month. For 1 month, we stayed with my family in my city and in a hotel in my city. Then for the final week, we visited another city. He left just before Christmas. In summer 2017 I went to his country and I stayed for 3 weeks. And that happened the year before too, except in 2016 he visited me both in summer and winter and stayed for Christmas. In 2015 he was supposed to come in the summer/winter but he waited because I told him to.

    He told me just two nights ago that although he isn’t broke, he is saving more money to visit me comfortably as soon as possible. He doesn’t like doing things the cheap way and always wants the best quality. I kept telling him last year that my family is fine if he wanted to stay for the whole month at my house, but he thought it would be burdensome and rude for them and said he just wants to be able to pay for things himself. I know this to be true since whenever I’m with him he insists on paying for everything. We always agreed, when we visit each other’s countries one would pay for travel and the other pays for food and the hotel cost but the most he has let me pay for before was a meal.

    I want this to work and I am being patient because I feel like he is trying his best. I’m just conflicted about whether I’m being too patient and understanding. I’m not sure.

    Lila

    February 28, 2019 at 7:14 am #282175
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    You are both very young. In certain cultures a 26 year old man is a very young man who has plenty of time to get married, while a woman at 26 is considered old enough and should-have-been-married already.

    Clearly he is in no rush to get married with you, or to move to your country.

    He had enough money to visit you, or would have had enough money to visit you last year, but he chose to spend his money on a trip to Bali. He is in no hurry to see you, to move to your country and/or to marry you.

    You got very attached to him emotionally after being physically intimate with him. That attached you to him.

    He may like you very much, love you, but he is also motivated to move to your country sometime in the future.

    He pays for everything (including your airplane tickets to see him in his country?) It feels good to be paid for and people admire that, a man paying for a woman. But there may be a problem here, maybe, just maybe he feels that because he is paying for every time he sees you, that he doesn’t owe you anything. Meaning, that him paying makes it okay for him to take all the time that he wants.

    “I’m just conflicted about whether I’m being too patient and understanding”- I think so, I think it may very well be the case. Sure, you are very young, but still your time is valuable! What I would do, if I was you, was ask him about the timing, tell him you need to understand his plans timewise: what and when?

    Ask him online and wait for his answer. If you want, let me know his answer. You can edit it so to delete private information and paste it in your next post, or the one after and I will be glad to give you my input.

    anita

    February 28, 2019 at 8:58 am #282201
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes, I think you’re right. In his culture, it’s completely normal for 30-year-old men to be unmarried and still living with their parents. Meanwhile, in mine, it’s quite unusual.

    I admit that I have become attached to him. Some of my friends say I’m not attached enough but I know I am, and I actively try to distance myself because of it.

    I paid for my plane ticket when I went to see him but I do understand that completely. I never wanted him to pay for things and my mother always taught me to at least go 50/50 where I can. But he ended up insisting and it ended up that way.

    Should I give him an explanation as to why I’m asking out of the blue? Honestly, I am a little worried I’m going to scare him off or stress him out. I know it must sound like I tiptoe around him all the time and I really try not to. I don’t hide my emotions from him, if I’m upset I’ll tell him or if there’s something he did that I didn’t like, I will say something. My problem is I have an attachment disorder stemming from my childhood, so when I do communicate it is always in a carefully thought out way. I guess in the back of my mind there is that fear that I’m just stressing him out on top of his own daily stress. I never thought about it like that but I feel very emotional expressing these feelings now. I’ve never ‘vocalised’ them or told anyone about them.

    Lila

    February 28, 2019 at 9:21 am #282209
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    “when I do communicate it is always in a carefully thought out way”- I suggest you ask him for the information you need in a carefully thought out way, but ask nonetheless. Ask in a casual manner, in a simple, honest way. Make the email short and simple to read and understand, nothing long or complicated.

    You have the right to know, you have a right to his information. Without honest information, you cannot make informed choices.

    Will it stress him that you ask, as carefully as you will? Maybe. But then, there are many stresses in his day, at work and in his living situation. Asking him for information that you deserve to get, will not be the Big Stress that will break him.

    And what about your stress, the stress of not knowing, and waiting… why not take care of your stress level?

    anita

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