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Lila

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #282201
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes, I think you’re right. In his culture, it’s completely normal for 30-year-old men to be unmarried and still living with their parents. Meanwhile, in mine, it’s quite unusual.

    I admit that I have become attached to him. Some of my friends say I’m not attached enough but I know I am, and I actively try to distance myself because of it.

    I paid for my plane ticket when I went to see him but I do understand that completely. I never wanted him to pay for things and my mother always taught me to at least go 50/50 where I can. But he ended up insisting and it ended up that way.

    Should I give him an explanation as to why I’m asking out of the blue? Honestly, I am a little worried I’m going to scare him off or stress him out. I know it must sound like I tiptoe around him all the time and I really try not to. I don’t hide my emotions from him, if I’m upset I’ll tell him or if there’s something he did that I didn’t like, I will say something. My problem is I have an attachment disorder stemming from my childhood, so when I do communicate it is always in a carefully thought out way. I guess in the back of my mind there is that fear that I’m just stressing him out on top of his own daily stress. I never thought about it like that but I feel very emotional expressing these feelings now. I’ve never ‘vocalised’ them or told anyone about them.

    Lila

    #282143
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you and I apologise for the late reply.

    Yes, that is still a plan we talk about but I’m trying not to push too much since he started his new job. He doesn’t want me living in his country because their work ethic is excessive and there are some cultural differences. He really loves my country and he knows how he can live here but he needs to save money and think about the plan more. He is always sincere with his word (my mother thinks so too) but he always wants to take things at his own pace. So he’s not exactly a ‘doer’. If he says he will come and visit me, he will- it might just be at the end of the year. And I should’ve seen the signs because last year I kept saying ‘when you come here’ and he never once agreed or said he was going to. Since he already knew he was going to Bali and wouldn’t be able to afford another holiday. But this year he is back to saying how he’s looking forward to seeing me and my cats again and my family. So I know that is what’s on his mind.

    In winter 2017 he came and visited me for over 1 month. For 1 month, we stayed with my family in my city and in a hotel in my city. Then for the final week, we visited another city. He left just before Christmas. In summer 2017 I went to his country and I stayed for 3 weeks. And that happened the year before too, except in 2016 he visited me both in summer and winter and stayed for Christmas. In 2015 he was supposed to come in the summer/winter but he waited because I told him to.

    He told me just two nights ago that although he isn’t broke, he is saving more money to visit me comfortably as soon as possible. He doesn’t like doing things the cheap way and always wants the best quality. I kept telling him last year that my family is fine if he wanted to stay for the whole month at my house, but he thought it would be burdensome and rude for them and said he just wants to be able to pay for things himself. I know this to be true since whenever I’m with him he insists on paying for everything. We always agreed, when we visit each other’s countries one would pay for travel and the other pays for food and the hotel cost but the most he has let me pay for before was a meal.

    I want this to work and I am being patient because I feel like he is trying his best. I’m just conflicted about whether I’m being too patient and understanding. I’m not sure.

    Lila

    #228181
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for replying!

    Yes, I definitely need to be more aware of my surroundings. I grew up thinking I was pretty street-smart but I still have a way to go.

    These are great suggestions. I really want to start breaking my tasks into smaller ones. I want to go at my own pace, and I think I need to mentally block out the classmates who pressurise me in order to do this. Peers are, of course, important but I really do find myself getting more stressed when my classmates over-emphasise about how important an exam or assignment is. It might be talked about exaggeratively to motivate each other to get the work done but it has the opposite effect on me.

    Thanks again

    Lila

    #227867
    Lila
    Participant

    Hi Niv, thank you for your response.

    My mother wants me to go to self-defence classes after what happened. I appear to be panicked whenever a situation like this occurs. I guess my mind stops thinking logically and a fear just takes over! Sometimes, (not with the incident that happened last week) when a person tries to talk to me or follow me somewhere, I will entertain it out of panic and discomfort. It’s hard for me to ignore people or tell them to leave me alone because I fear for the worst- that I will get physically or verbally attacked. But I did report it to the police shortly afterwards.

    Thanks for such clear advice! I completely agree with you. I’m starting an internship in my desired field this winter. I definitely want to become a more well-rounded person as opposed to getting perfect scores all the time. I just don’t know the distinction between working hard and overworking. I still want to practice yoga and meditate each day- but I only seem to have a regular practice during the vacation period such as in summer and winter. When I’m bombarded with deadlines it seems as though I just shut down and worry about everything academia wise. I’m not sure if I should try organising my life into manageable chunks, I don’t know how people do it.

    #216391
    Lila
    Participant

    PrettyInPink

    I was in a similar situation (with my boyfriend actually) not long ago. I think giving him the space he needs is really considerate of you. But if you miss him, there’s no harm in dropping a message such as ‘I hope you’re doing well’.

    He may be in a difficult place right now, true, but as Mark said, sometimes we project- both online and in real life. You mentioned you think your insecurities might be playing a part in your thoughts and I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes our perceptions take over.

    You are in no way smothering him by contacting him sooner than later. But don’t feel let down if you don’t get the reply you expect. If it continues in this way where he doesn’t respond often/unenthusiastically, leave him alone and see if he contacts you first with effort. Sometimes you have to focus on yourself and let go.

    Lila

     

     

    #212231
    Lila
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for the lovely response. I’ve been thinking more about what you’ve said, and I think I really need to take action to focus on myself and love myself more. But I find myself falling back into old habits. For example, sometimes I send pictures of my face to my boyfriend if he says he misses me. I think I’m being perhaps too childish and looking for validation because I was disappointed with the response I got when I sent him a recent picture of my new hair and earrings. He simply asked me if I was going out somewhere without any kind of compliment. My expectations of what his reply would be led me to disappointment, sadness and not feeling like I’m good enough. These are temporary thoughts, of course, but I think if I don’t try to love myself- the relationship will become more difficult and I’ll become ridden with insecurity.

    I just don’t know the steps how to love myself. I hope this makes sense.

    Lila

    #211495
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree and realise I need to take my well being into consideration too.

    I have also thought about that too and you are right. After I graduate, I’m planning on moving to his country to teach. But he prefers my country to live, so it’s whichever move happens first really. If there was no plan at all, I don’t think I could continue this since it requires a lot of effort. So much effort to not know what direction we’re going in.

    I will focus on myself some more, I think that’s what I should do right now. Thanks again.

    Lila

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)