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Too clingy?

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  • June 6, 2018 at 9:29 am #211153
    Lila
    Participant

    I’m a 20-year-old in a long distance relationship with my 26-year-old boyfriend. We meet each other quite regularly (as much our situations will allow) despite living across the world from each other. The relationship has always been healthy since he is very mature and grounded. But recently, the lack of communication has hit me hard (or I’m just becoming more attached). He is quite a bit older than me as I mentioned, and he is in the middle of kickstarting his career- this year he has been doing a lot of networking etc. He will still send me a good morning message, ask how my day has been and if I’ve eaten etc but we haven’t called in weeks and for the first time in ages, I’m beginning to feel the distance a lot. Since I have finished university for the summer, I’m trying to keep myself busy by working, meeting friends, studying languages and doing other activities I enjoy but the fact that we haven’t talked all day will still be in the back of my mind. Most of my friends said it looks like our relationship is so stable, but I have another friend who told me ‘What kind of relationship is it if you can’t constantly see him? You’re spending your 20s waiting for a guy’. And that really hurt me and filled me with doubts about my own individual self. I feel like I’m starting to lose my independence and I’m clinging onto him whenever possible. I’m not even clingy in the sense that I try to call him or text him a lot, I just keep it bottled inside and it puts me in a bad mood. I know communication is key- particularly in LDRs but I don’t want to be a burden to him by telling him this since it feels selfish.

    June 7, 2018 at 8:54 am #211407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    It is admirable, in my mind, that you don’t want to burden him by telling him that you are troubled about the distance and reduced communication. It is loving of you to be concerned with his well being and his need to establish his career. And it should be this way, only with this added thing: your well being is important too.

    A relationship, be it long distance or otherwise, needs to be a win-win relationship, win for him and win for you. If it is a Lose for any of the parties, it is a Losing relationship.

    If there seems to be no reasonable hope of the two of you living close to each other for years to come, it may be a good idea to change the relationship with him to that of friends, or none at all.

    What do you think?

    anita

    June 8, 2018 at 12:42 am #211495
    Lila
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree and realise I need to take my well being into consideration too.

    I have also thought about that too and you are right. After I graduate, I’m planning on moving to his country to teach. But he prefers my country to live, so it’s whichever move happens first really. If there was no plan at all, I don’t think I could continue this since it requires a lot of effort. So much effort to not know what direction we’re going in.

    I will focus on myself some more, I think that’s what I should do right now. Thanks again.

    Lila

    June 8, 2018 at 2:24 am #211595
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    You are welcome. So there is a plan, not very specific to time and place but a plan nonetheless, that the two of you will live near each other or together in your country and/or his country. Possibly in both and then decide where to settle.

    Well, I hope you do focus on yourself more and post again anytime you’d like to.

    anita

    June 12, 2018 at 10:45 am #212231
    Lila
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for the lovely response. I’ve been thinking more about what you’ve said, and I think I really need to take action to focus on myself and love myself more. But I find myself falling back into old habits. For example, sometimes I send pictures of my face to my boyfriend if he says he misses me. I think I’m being perhaps too childish and looking for validation because I was disappointed with the response I got when I sent him a recent picture of my new hair and earrings. He simply asked me if I was going out somewhere without any kind of compliment. My expectations of what his reply would be led me to disappointment, sadness and not feeling like I’m good enough. These are temporary thoughts, of course, but I think if I don’t try to love myself- the relationship will become more difficult and I’ll become ridden with insecurity.

    I just don’t know the steps how to love myself. I hope this makes sense.

    Lila

    June 12, 2018 at 12:22 pm #212249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lila:

    You are welcome.

    Regarding the disappointment you felt with his response following sending him a photo of you with a new haircut and earrings: you can learn from this experience- notice the next time you feel like sending him a photo of yourself and before you do, ask yourself: do I have an expectation of a particular response from him, after he gets the photo? If the answer is yes, I expect him to compliment me or the like, then don’t send him the photo. If there is no expectation, then send it.

    And this is “how to love (yourself)” learn from current unpleasant experiences so to make your future experience more pleasant. Choose intentionally and aim to benefit yourself using daily opportunities to do so.

    anita

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