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What should I do?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months ago.

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  • #216299

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    So I met this guy online. I have been dating online for a number of years. Never really met anyone I was interested in speaking to. Then along came this one guy. He is 16 yrs younger than me and is overseas. He is 29 and I am 45. He is also Indian and I am black. He does not live in India though. No he is not looking for a green card.  I know this. Anyway, we’ve only been talking for a week. I know it seems too soon to be attached. But I always looked forward to our video calls every evening and texting throughout the day. The thing is this is the first time I felt this way about anyone in a longtime. I mean there are other men in my inbox, but this one guy…. Sigh…

    Then yesterday he seemed kind of distant. I thought it was me so I asked him if he didn’t want us to talk anymore. His response was “Why would you say that”. So I told him never mind. Then I asked him how was his day? He unleashed a lot on me. He basically was skipped for a promotion and was very devastated. Frankly he told me a whole lot more than he should have since we practically just met. Anyway I just let him talk and I listened. I told him that I am here if he wants to talk and left it at that.

    When I woke up this morning he had a text saying good morning and he will “see” me later (video chat). I responded ok. See you later. Well he didn’t call. I am not going to call him because well. I don’t want to seem needy. I am talking to other guys too, but I really miss him. I am telling myself that he is probably still all bent out of shape with the work issue he is going through and has nothing to do with me. But I can’t help feeling like he is losing interest. I guess my own insecurities are kicking in.

    I read that men tend to withdraw when they are stressed out unlike we women that just want to pour our hearts out. So I am giving him space and hoping that he will reach out to me at some point. Is this the best strategy? What should I do? I really miss him.

    #216319

    Mark
    Participant

    PrettyInPink,

    I view online relationships as not real.  There is a lot to be said about face-to-face, regular and frequent contact in order to establish a close, honest, authentic relationship.  Most of us will idealize people and put our projections onto others.  It is easier to do so online.

    My take is to focus on those who you can establish a face-to-face relationship.  Friends or romantic partners.

    Mark

    #216391

    Lila
    Participant

    PrettyInPink

    I was in a similar situation (with my boyfriend actually) not long ago. I think giving him the space he needs is really considerate of you. But if you miss him, there’s no harm in dropping a message such as ‘I hope you’re doing well’.

    He may be in a difficult place right now, true, but as Mark said, sometimes we project- both online and in real life. You mentioned you think your insecurities might be playing a part in your thoughts and I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes our perceptions take over.

    You are in no way smothering him by contacting him sooner than later. But don’t feel let down if you don’t get the reply you expect. If it continues in this way where he doesn’t respond often/unenthusiastically, leave him alone and see if he contacts you first with effort. Sometimes you have to focus on yourself and let go.

    Lila

     

     

    #216411

    anita
    Participant

    Dear PrettyInPink:

    You wrote: “I can’t help feeling like he is losing interest. I guess my own insecurities are kicking in”-

    My comment: the fact that you are considering the possibility that he is losing interest is not merely a thought based on your feelings of insecurity, but on the reality that people do lose interest in others, especially following a beginning, short relationship, be it online or otherwise. It happens often because a deep, lasting bond hasn’t been created yet. There are things happening in a person’s life that take away one’s attention from a beginning bond before it becomes solid.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
    #216419

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    Thank you all that responded.

    Turns out he was watching the World Cup and did video chat me later. I should have just called him, but I felt he needed space. So what I realized is I should go back to doing the things I love to do to take my mind off him.

    #216421

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    Hi Mark

    Thanks on your take on the situation. I feel online relationships are just as valuable as face to face especially in today’s world. I have made friends online with people that I have never met in person. At some point I might meet my friend or not. Doesn’t really matter to me at this point.

     

     

    #216423

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    Hi Lila

    Thank you for your response. You are absolutely correct with your view point. I should have just called him. He was just watching the World Cup like I mentioned in my comment.

    #216427

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your input. I totally agree with what you said. I’ve made friends that are hot in the beginning, but then get cold and in some cases simply ghost or go Houdini on me. While others have stayed. So this is not unusual in relationships. You are right.

    #216431

    anita
    Participant

    Dear PrettyInPink:

    It was a relief then, wasn’t it, that he was watching the World Cup. You wrote that you believe that online relationships are as valuable as face to face.

    I think that online communications can be and often are more valuable, more truthful, more authentic than face to face communications. This is why I am here on this website.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
    #216457

    PrettyInPink
    Participant

    Yes it was a relief. He’s still not back 100% from the situation but at least he is communicating.

    #216493

    anita
    Participant

    Dear PrettyInPink:

    It is helpful to be clear about one’s motivation in communicating with any one person, to specify what it is at this point. Are you clear about your motivation in regard to communication with him?

    anita

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