Winning her back

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Ben.
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    This is sort of a mislabeled title for this post, but it kind of fits. I am looking for advice about what to do now that my wife has said she “needs to find herself” and claims she wants a divorce. And no, I am not talking about saying “Well, you get a divorce because you don’t really have a choice”. I got that part. What I mean is, I keep reading all of these things, watching all of these videos about how to get your ex back, and the dumbest thing is each one negates the next one.

    So this post is just to get some ideas about when you tried in the past and what worked and didn’t work. My plan right now is to work on me. Period. I’m not going to attempt to manipulate the process or throw wrenches into her decision. I respect my wife enough to give her the space she requires, even if it means going through with a divorce. But part of me really hopes that after we find ourselves out there again that those two new people feel like they want to be back together again. I am certainly not holding out hope for that, and the process of making me a better me is steeling my resolve to be single again which is good. I am happily realizing that no matter how this all works out, I will survive. Life will go on and I will likely find someone to love again. But I would really like to hear some stories about things you tried and worked or didn’t. Both would be valuable.


    Hi John,

    Perhaps I can’t give you the best advice but I can tell you that if two people want it enough, it can work. But it must be two sided. Sometimes when we loose ourselves it is our human instinct to want out – perhaps this is what happened to your wife. She feels that she does need to go and find herself all over again and maybe right now this means not being with you however if she truly loves you she’ll soon realise that finding herself doesn’t mean she has to go on without the person that she loves, you.

    My ex is currently trying to reconcile with me. After a traumatic event and major hurt over the last few months my heart very much still wants him and for that reason alone I am somewhat choosing to believe that perhaps if we work at it enough it will work. It is not to say that it actually will, but the want is there and I am hoping that is enough to get us through the storm. Love is a very powerful thing and I can honestly say if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t even be considering a reconciliation, not after everything that has happened! But it gives us hope for better days..

    Wishing you all of the best on this journey!


    Idk if this will help you, but I think you answered your own question.

    My plan right now is to work on me. Period. I’m not going to attempt to manipulate the process or throw wrenches into her decision. I respect my wife enough to give her the space she requires, even if it means going through with a divorce. 

    Do this. And only this. Don’t think about it any other way. If you’re meant to be, she’ll find her way back to you. If you get back together but you kinda manipulated it, it wouldn’t feel honest anyway. You’d feel like you had some influence over it, then if there’s any trouble in the future, you’ll blame yourself again. So, let the universe or fate or whatever bring you back together.



    Hi John,

    I’ve been through similar experiences and what I can say I learnt is what so many other places and people say. Give her the space. I had a similar situation and I was so distraught by it all that I clung on for dear life and I made mistake after mistake of trying to win her back. Then when I started to just concentrate on myself and gave her the space, things changed quite quickly and she was the one messaging me saying she missed me and we ended up giving it another go. But please don’t do what I initially did and throw all your dignity away, I was practically begging and it was not a good look.

    It’s so easy to allow grief and depression to take over in this situation when you feel someone you love no longer feels the same. But if you truly want her back then you need to give her that space and really work hard on seeing friends, having a good time and focusing on your health and fitness. Just play it cool and try and get to a place of confidence and hopefully she’ll notice that change.

    Good luck with everything and don’t let feeling down ruin it for you!


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