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July 6, 2016 at 6:49 am #108940ShoalParticipant
I have been reading through this forum for hours now and deeply moved by some of the responses. So much so, that I am actually doing something I never, ever do – I am reaching out for help.
I was brought up to feel that emotional need is a weakness of character and throughout my life, I have managed through 1 seriously abusive marriage, significant personal trauma, sudden deaths of 2 of my siblings and bullying both as a child and as an adult without ever taking any time to recognise the emotional impact upon myself, far less ask for support or help to get through it.
Up until now. Now I think I am falling apart.
I left my first (very abusive) husband before my youngest child was 1 and for the next 9 years focused exclusively on bringing my children up and educating myself to ensure I could earn enough to keep us. My two children are the greatest success story of my life – they are fabulous people. In that 9 years, I had no real romantic relationships – was far to wary of what someone could take from me if i let them get close. However, about 6 years ago, I felt ready and entered into the game once again. I met a man who seemed incredibly suited to me – same sense of humour, same ethics, same interests. We married fairly quickly (within a year of knowing each other). It became apparent to me quite quickly that he was an alcoholic. An abusive alcoholic. When he was sober, he was fabulous, when he was drunk he was outrageous. I left him in the second year of marriage. However, we stayed in touch as we really were each others soul mates. He sobered up and evidenced that for a year and we got back together. Since then we have had really rough patches (when he relapses) but we have worked through them. He is fundamentally a good man and I felt lucky to have him – in comparison to my first husband, he seems a dream. However, he has a significant flaw. He criticises everything I do – everything! He corrects things I do, like where I put things down, he challenges everything I say, he blames me for anything that goes wrong – even the dog weeing on the carpet. It all came to a head a few months ago when i was recounting to him something which happened at work – where I was treated really really poorly by a colleague. Instead of being supportive and listening to my pain, he said it was my fault the person treated me that way and I had to change. The sheer cruelty of his response shocked me into really looking at this marriage I am in. For the past few monthsI have been really looking at all of our interactions and how he responds to me. In doing this, I think I have realised he is actually still abusing me even when sober – this constant criticism, this constant challenging and blaming. This awareness has really knocked the life right out of me. I have had a really tough time in all areas of my life for the past few years and felt that this was why I seemed to have lost my confidence and my self esteem. I now am thinking that its perhaps living in this super critical relationship. Last week, he topped it all by saying people in my line of work are the ‘lowest of the low’ (I am a welfare orientated public servant). It was the last straw. I told him I wanted him to leave. I didnt shout and scream, demand that he left there and then. I told him to find somewhere else to live and move out. Since then we have been living in the same house, fairly civilly – no arguments, no awkward silences. He is more of less living in the bedroom and I in the sitting room. What has saddened me the most is that in this week, he has not criticised me once, not blamed me once – not once. Which tells me he knows that behaviour is unacceptable. Which begs the question, why did he feel the need to do it so continuously up to this point? Why did he treat me with so much contempt before? I am very very sad right now and I would appreciate your thoughts and support on this.July 6, 2016 at 6:59 am #108942InkyParticipantHi fmck32,
The very first thought that popped into my mind is this:
He criticized you constantly because it had grown into a bad habit. Instead of shutting him down at once in the very beginning of your relationship/marriage, you let him occasionally get away with it. Then it became his unthinking, unconscious default setting. Only now that you gave him a very real wake up call is he finally behaving.
Now, he may still think all these horrible thoughts. But by not voicing them, he is not giving the thoughts more reality than they deserve. Eventually, when he thinks a bad thought about you, he will think it’s just “him”. He should grow in more respect for you. Of course, he can grouse about you to other people, but not about trivial things, because he knows that he would sound ridiculous.
If he ever dares criticize you that way again, show you teeth, and carry through on your threat. Barring that, give him three times the grief he gives you. He will think twice about opening his mouth. At the very fist hint of him going back to his old ways, give a sharp, forceful, “You’re doing it again!”/”I don’t want to hear it!”
Digging deeper, you know that it is you who are resonating with all these abusive types of men. Give yourself a lot of respect. They can either change or leave, and/or higher quality men will come into your life.
Blessings,
Inky
July 6, 2016 at 7:38 am #108948AnonymousGuestDear fmck32:
I am glad you posted and I sure hope you don’t regret that you did.
As to your last question: “why did he feel the need to do it so continuously up to this point? Why did he treat me with so much contempt before?”
I believe the answer is likely to be something like this: because before he was repeatedly angry at you and has expressed his anger with those mini-attacks as I call them, attacks of criticism (as opposed to, let’s say, a physical beating). Currently he is not angry at you, therefore he is not attacking you.
When people are angry, just like other mammals, they are motivated to fight- this is what anger is about, a motivation to fight, to inflict harm on another. And so he did.
It was not your fault, your doing and none of your responsibility. It is his anger, circulating in his brain from long before you met him, long before. It is taking a break now. It is only a break. It will be back.
In comparison to your first husband he seemed like a dream. In comparison to his behavior when drunk, his sober behavior seemed lovely, before now, that is. All we know is our personal experiences so that is all we compare new experiences to.
There are behaviors out there that in comparison to what you know will please you to no end, fill you with awe, as in: I had no idea a man can be so decent and loving, angry at times but never abusive…
Hope you post again here.
anita
July 6, 2016 at 8:01 am #108949ShoalParticipant“There are behaviors out there that in comparison to what you know will please you to no end, fill you with awe, as in: I had no idea a man can be so decent and loving, angry at times but never abusive…” that phrase made me burst into tears. I have learned something fundamental about myself through that reaction – I have never really considered a completely abusive free relationship as a reality. I dont even know if I have believed it actually exists for anyone, never mind just me.
My mother was abusive – both physically and emotionally to me as I grew up, my father was emotionally abusive to me as an adult (didnt know him when i was growing up). I can now see that all of my close relationships have been abusive (not friendships though, thankfully). I think I have uncovered a truth about myself – I have been taught to believe I am valueless and I have lived my whole life that way, allowing others to treat me badly. I think that was what inky was meaning re ‘digging deeper…’.
I wonder how I readjust a whole lifetimes training? How do I develop value in myself?
July 6, 2016 at 8:17 am #108953AnonymousGuestDear fmck32:
I like your realization, realizing something true is an important step in healing. The more we see of what is true, the healthier we are.
As to your last line: “I wonder how I readjust a whole lifetimes training? How do I develop value in myself?”
I learned that a person (I’ll use “you” here) can’t develop value in yourself all by yourself, in the context of a social vacuum. As social animals, the context has to be a relationship with another person. In other words, you can’t do it alone.
It is like a person looking for a job and being told: you need experience doing this kind of job in order to get this job. The applicant is frustrated: how can I get experience if I don’t get a job to begin with?
Same here. You need the experience of being valued by another in order to internalize that value and trust it. This can be gotten from a competent, caring psychotherapist. Or by another person who is… caring and capable of being caring, that is not someone with anger circulating in their brain, ready to relieve themselves at any time by attacking another. Someone who is able to notice when they get angry, evaluate the situation and make a thoughtful choice about their behavior (take a walk, a hot bath, then figure out what the real problem is and how to solve it by interacting with the other person with EAR: Empathetically, Assertively and Respectfully; a Win-Win interaction).
Pay attention to the relationships you are currently having- notice the empathy, the assertiveness, the respect- these necessary ingredients. Carry on the relationships with these ingredients and you will develop or continue to develop value in yourself. Abandon relationships that don’t have at the least Respect.
Look for new relationships with these three ingredients, study the person: how does he deal with anger? Is he empathetic to me? Is he assertive (a passive person is likely to explode with anger following a period of lack of assertiveness)? Is he respectful? Take time to study a person and the nature of the relationship. Be those things (EAR) yourself. Don’t jump into a relationship, take it slow so to study, learn, evaluate.
Post again, anytime.
anita
July 6, 2016 at 9:14 pm #109023EvanParticipantHi fmck32,
I echo what is already written by the ladies… if I may add….
Boundaries, respect and honesty uphold love. These three things must be present for true love to flourish and grow. Love between two people is not static, it grows or diminishes in relation to these ingredients. An abusive free relationship in entirely possible… because if you do not accept being treated in that manner, then the only relationships left are non abusive ones 🙂
Also to note – you see these things now, because you have finally seen your inner light. You matter! You are worthy! And only you could have found this for yourself. A seed has been planted, and this also needs to be nourished. This seed is self love!
Best
Evan
July 7, 2016 at 2:41 am #109058ShoalParticipantThanks for your support folks. This whole forum has given me so much to think about. I know that this new journey of personal discovery has been kick started due to meeting a new work colleague (and now very good friend) who actively demonstrates how much she cherishes and respects me – this, in itself, is a fairly new thing in my life. I am not interested in moving onto a new romantic relationship but I recognise that I need more people in my life that will let me feel valued and to show how much i value them. I have always been a very self contained person – not a lot of friends, spend a lot of time on my own etc – all through my own personal choice. However, as you mentioned anita, we are social beings and maybe this has not been the best way. I think a lot of this ‘not needing other people’ has stemmed from feeling vulnerable to potential harm that they may cause. Its now become second nature to keep myself to myself, not express how I feel to anyone with any honesty, cope with everything on my own. However, I think this has possibly been damaging me inside. Many years ago, I had a reiki session, during which I cried continuously. The reiki practitioner said ‘you have so much rage inside of you’. This was very surprising as I am a very even tempered person. Is this rage possibly all the unexpressed emotions I have boxed away for decades? If so, how do I get rid of it safely?
July 7, 2016 at 6:39 am #109064AnonymousGuestDear fmck32:
Before I attempt to answer your question, a comment on these parts of your last post:
“I have always been a very self contained person – not a lot of friends, spend a lot of time on my own etc – all through my own personal choice..Its now become second nature to keep myself to myself, not express how I feel to anyone with any honesty, cope with everything on my own. However, I think this has possibly been damaging me inside..” – this “second nature” as you put it did not originate as a “personal choice” but as an automatic reaction to being hurt by people. It was a self protecting reaction.
“However, as you mentioned anita, we are social beings and maybe this has not been the best way. I think a lot of this ‘not needing other people’ has stemmed from feeling vulnerable to potential harm that they may cause.”- being of a mature age now, not a child, AND being aware, the answer is obvious, isn’t it: to select the people you are involved with. As a child you had no choice of who your parents were and who the people in your life happened to be. They hurt you and you automatically withdrew as all animals do- withdraw from pain. Now you can choose who to associate with and this is key. Choose people who cherish you, like the colleague at work, and un-choose those who damage you or those who will damage you if given the access to you.
As to your question: your anger, rage, hurt, sadness, fear- how to release these safely? Slowly, over time, no attempting to do it all-at-once. A little bit here, a little bit there. Preferably do so in the office of a competent, caring psychotherapist (!!!) Otherwise, maybe in a support group where the rules are that while you share, no one is allowed to interrupt or comment on your share afterwards. Or with a trusted friend who will not interrupt or belittle, argue with you afterwards.
And you are welcome to … type your emotions away right here. I can mirror them to you, simply repeat in my own words what you expressed, if you want- this way you can correct me if I didn’t understand something correctly and you can, once understood, feel understood, that your feelings are valid, make sense, carry messages that you need to hear.
anita
July 8, 2016 at 10:28 pm #109195RJParticipantDear fmck32:
Let me first say I feel your pain. No, really, I know that pain because I have lived it from a childhood of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse to an overly critical, controling, mean spirited, insecure alcoholic husband that could not keep his pants zipped. We hit adulthood and adult relationships so ill equipped to know what one was, much less, how to maintain and function in a positive, loving, relationship we gravitate to what we know . . . dysfunction. Oh honey, it happens a little bit and piece at a time the giving up, the believing what we are told . . . no I am going to go so far as to say beat into our psyche that we are worthless, stupid, cannot do one single thing right. That no one wants us and we are lucky to even be treated this way and that our friends and family feel the same way about us too as he continues to isolate you and chip, chip chip away until one day you know here, THIS, is costing you your sanity so it is jump off the cliff into the unknown(which most of us fear more than the abuse because it is known) or without a doubt lose your sanity. I call it ‘Gaslighting’ after the old black and white movie of the same name(well without the ing)staring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. You will be amazed at how soon you will start to feel the weight start to lift off your soul and you wonder and ask yourself WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG. Seek out old positive friendships or dip your toes into the waters of new positive healthy relationships. You will soon start to realize, hey wait a minute here just statistically speaking 100% of everything I am or did cannot be wrong. Do things to build yourself up, help others, believe in you again, realize while some choices we made in life got us into that dark place we do not have to stay there nor do we have to make the same mistakes . . . and end up back but with a different set of players. Trust me, I have taken my clothes off and stood naked looking in the bathroom mirror trying to find just exactly where WELCOME was stamped on me because it felt like it was neon and every selfish user in the world could smell me coming and see the neon welcome mat. I by no means have the answers and I by no means have resolved all my issues but I do know that if it comes down to being in no relationship and treating myself right or going back to being in a relationship and not quote unquote being alone but being miserable in every fiber of my being . . . Yes party of one please. I struggle with learning to live in the now making the conscious choice not to let my past define me and turn loose of all my pain, anger and resentment instead of wearing it like a red badge of courage or the patient ID at the local mental institution. -
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