Home→Forums→Tough Times→Work Place Blues
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anita.
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February 1, 2024 at 5:01 am #427466
greenshadeParticipantHi Tiny Buddha Community,
On a recent post I made, @anita asked me what it was that was driving me to want to achieve at work.
I have been reflecting over this question, but I don’t have clarity on it as yet.
But I am struggling right now at work. I will try to unpack my struggles, but they are overwhelming and it is difficult for me to talk in a regulated way about work.
When I think of things that excite me -> travel/exploring, music, learning something new
When I think of things that bring me peace -> nature, trees, quietness, solitude
When I think of things that bring me fulfilment -> service, learning and talking about mental health things
When I think of things that exhaust me -> work place politics, having to defend my ideas/work from credit hogs, routines imposed from the outside, being assigned tasks rather than choosing to take them on, other people’s dysregulated nervous systems.
Currently I am at my 6th workplace in 10 years (I avg 2.5 years at each place – some of them have overlapped as part time commitments). I am so tired. There is a need in me to build and participate in systems that bring about some betterment. I have knowledge, and I have ideas. But when it comes to actually being able to succeed in a work place, or to be able to through my workplace bring into action my ideas, i really struggle. I have dealt in the different jobs with not being paid for three months, supervisors sabotaging my projects, being shelved and any idea I pose being set aside, and now I am dealing with a younger supervisor who a) tries to do my job/does it incorrectly which is a ethical nightmare because I am a health professional and she is not b) takes credit for work we did together (although she is starting to give credit more now) c) overworks and uses guilt trips as a management strategy to which I cave d) also struggles with control issues.
I now want to branch out and do my own thing as an exit strategy from current job, and also as a way of escaping the cycle of exploitative and underpaying workspaces. Another challenge is that the work I want to do on my own would put me in direct competition with my work place and I think that would violate the terms of my contract, so I cant start it as a side project while having the comfort of this much needed (and barely enough to make ends meet) salary. I am also scared of the lack of financial cushion in shifting purely to a workplace that I am managing – since I do have PTSD related down time needs, as well as being selective in who I would make the effort to partner with, limiting my opportunities for success.
Their is also a direct conflict between my need for service/impact/contributing to society vs my need to be on my own/to have quiet and seclusion. I am not sure how to resolve this conflict. I have worked at so many work places, I am starting to lose hope that a new work place would be different. I am in my early 30s and feeling like the time for me to put energy and motivation into work is gone, and I have not managed to establish myself enough to take care of my parents or even live comfortably within my own income. I used to have ideas, motivation, drive but I have no motivation to do the dirty/isolating work needed to be successful (such as playing up to authority figures, political maneuvering, constantly being on guard for idea theft, capitalizing on catastrophes, selling out my own needs for down time/calm to appear as a team player). I am too tired to even look for ways to escape this cycle and am feeling very trapped. Safe Connection is a need for me, and I tend to prefer isolation over unsafe connection.
Thank you for reading this through <3. Would appreciate advice, analysis or input. Feeling trapped is v difficult for me and I dont know how much sense this ramble made. But i have faith in the TB community to be able to make sense of my rambles <3.
With warmth,
M
February 1, 2024 at 1:26 pm #427483
anitaParticipantDear Greenshade/ Maria:
“I am struggling right now at work… When I think of things that excite me -> travel/exploring, music, learning something new When I think of things that bring me peace -> nature, trees, quietness, solitude When I think of things that bring me fulfilment -> service, learning and talking about mental health things
“When I think of things that exhaust me -> work place politics, having to defend my ideas/work from credit hogs, routines imposed from the outside, being assigned tasks rather than choosing to take them on, other people’s dysregulated nervous systems–
– How about taking on a traveling non-routine, minimally political job outside of your home country and outside the whole region. You shared before that it is important for you to help your country and make it a better place, but that’s a very ambitious goal. Also, you said that your parents would be okay if you left the country.. so why not, why not live and work for yourself, for your own well-being..?
anita
February 15, 2024 at 8:23 am #427845greenshadeParticipantDear Anita,
I hope you are well.
I don’t know. I know I should. I think about making time to do it. But I don’t, even when I have the time, even when I’m thinking I should do it all the time, my muscles don’t seem to listen. So I don’t know. Its something I feel v helpless around.
Best,
M
February 15, 2024 at 3:14 pm #427849anitaParticipantDear Maria:
I am well, thank you!
You wrote in regard to leaving your country, your region for a job abroad, so to travel and explore (your desires): “I know I should. I think about making time to do it. But I don’t, even when I have the time, even when I’m thinking I should do it all the time, my muscles don’t seem to listen. So I don’t know. Its something I feel v helpless around“- it is the guilt about leaving your parents behind, a paralyzing guilt.. is it?
anita
February 16, 2024 at 1:03 am #427861greenshadeParticipantDear Anita,
Thanks for your response! I think for sure partly guilt. I have left them alone before, but they were physically stronger than. My dad is now bed bound and my mum is also struggling with her health. BUT I think also – for many years now, I have tried to keep my alignment with my needs as the compass (leaving for masters to a different country, leaving jobs that were toxic, moving out of my parents, living alone for my mental health needs, even though having a roommate would make things financially easier, prioritizing people who fill my cup emotionally). But something I realised was, even though my mum, for eg. does not fill my emotional cup in one way, she takes care of me in her own way and I have started being able to receive and value that. When things were rough this last year – I didnt feel able to go to anyone but her, all of my friends had their own lives and priorities and feel like the “other”, while parents and family feel like “belonging”. My ex who i loved very much was also able to walk away without looking back, and there is something that feels deeply wrong about being able to leave so easily. I think im very strongly also feeling the need for continuity with the people in my life – resolving conflict over time again and again, setting boundaries again and again, maintaining relationships, knowing that the people I have in my life today will also be there tmw unless something really big happens (like a death or something). I am tired of letting people go and people letting me go. And I fear moving will mean a lot of people letting me go. I have invested a lot into trying to build my happiness here these last 5 years, and letting that investment go. Letting go of the identity of someone who wants to do something big for my country. It just feels like so much more loss over loss that I have already experienced in these last few years (loss of a very close aunt through death, loss of 3 other close family elders through death, loss of a very trusted mentor for reasons unknown to me, the loss of watching my parents health deteriorate, the loss of my ex, the loss of the dreams and life I thought I would have by this age, the loss of watching my parents age)- there is so much grief I don’t know how to handle it and familiarity feels like the only thing that brings comfort right now. Loss feels like a shock to my system right now and I feel very small as I write this, and very much needing comfort and maybe even something or someone to anchor onto externally.
This is turning into a diary style journal entry lol so thank you for reading this as I am sure you will <3. I greatly appreciate your dependability Anita , it is a very rare thing. There is a lot to process and unpack because so much has happened in the last few years and I can still feel a lot internally that needs to be expressed in this way but I feel the need to stop for now. Thank you for reading again and take care.
M
February 16, 2024 at 9:31 am #427865anitaParticipantDear Maria:
You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!
A little nostalgic travel back in time: your first post was on June 21, 2016: “I am 26 years old living with my parents (they need my support + it would be culturally inappropriate for me to live alone in my country)“, and I answered you on the same day. It was summer the day you first posted, and you chose shade in the summer (no spaces) as your screen name. I am guessing that like everyone, you like a cover from the hot sun during a hot summer.
The title of your first thread from which I quoted above was “Constant target for anger“, and you shared that following a long time in which your mother and yourself were targets for your father’s anger and supporting each other, she (your mother) targeted her anger at you. Thinking of anger like a hot sun.. one would need to find shade.
You wrote on July 1, 2016: “There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the ‘right thing’ as a ‘good daughter’ and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now“.
On July 14, 2016, you chose green shade as your screen name, and this is still your screen name 7.5 years later. Green is the color of life growing, and indeed you have grown since, like you stated today, Feb 16, 2024: “for many years now, I have tried to keep my alignment with my needs as the compass (leaving for masters to a different country, leaving jobs that were toxic, moving out of my parents, living alone for my mental health needs… prioritizing people who fill my cup emotionally“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for all your growth, for making green shade green!
Here is an example of your growth: on Feb 2, 2017 (7 years and two weeks ago), you wrote: “Something I keep coming back to in therapy is that I don’t have boundaries. But boundaries are such an abstract concept for me – I don’t know what they look like or feel like so how do I begin to set them ?” Fast forward seven years, and you mentioned today having repeatedly set boundaries (“setting boundaries again and again“).
On Feb 20, 2018 (four days to 6 years ago), you shared in a thread you titled Abandoned again and again: “I’m trying to open up and be present in my relationships with friends and therapist. However, routine cancellation of plans and sessions is starting to take its toll on me… I see these people as inconsistent and not worth relying on, like most other people“. Fast forward almost 6 years, you shared today, paraphrased, that you are not leaving your country so to work abroad, travel and explore because you find consistency, reliability, belonging and continuity with your mother and family: “she takes care of me in her own way and I have started being able to receive and value that. When things were rough this last year – I didn’t feel able to go to anyone but her, all of my friends had their own lives and priorities and feel like the ‘other’, while parents and family feel like ‘belonging’… I think I’m very strongly also feeling the need for continuity with the people in my life… familiarity feels like the only thing that brings comfort right now“.
Going back to the original post on this thread, 15 days ago, on Feb 1, 2024, you wrote: “When I think of things that bring me peace -> nature, trees, quietness, solitude“- you didn’t list family (or any person) in what brings you peace.. but I guess you forgot to mention that being physically close to your mother, father, family.. gives you a measure of peace when compared to the idea of moving away from them.
“Loss feels like a shock to my system right now and I feel very small as I write this, and very much needing comfort and maybe even something or someone to anchor onto externally“- like the song says, we are “people who need people”, always has been that way. I understand your reasons and emotional motivations to stay close to your family and country. I hope that you will find more and more peace in the resolution of the conflict you mentioned back on July 1, 2016 (quote above): being a good daughter and.. keeping the green strong and thriving in green shade.
anita
April 13, 2024 at 8:30 am #431662greenshadeParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your response!
I took some time to process it and am now revisiting it since I have a longer break from work this week.I am rereading this thread – I guess I am now in a place of being used to the idea that I will have to leave.
There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing – In the past couple of months, I have had the opportunity to do some of the things that I was dreading – engaging with different stakeholders, supervising a team- and while it has been busy, it has also been not going horribly, which is giving me a boost in confidence. My mentor says I stay too much in my comfort zone – that I don’t push out of it enough and it limits my potential to achieve because I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success- because I don’t want to be seen, or to receive attacks, or to feel I am bogged down by responsibility.
On the other hand- I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself. When I imagine a future travelling around, while it sounds fun for a short while it also sounds like I would get cynical and tired after a while of just chasing my own pleasure.
I guess my ideal situation would allow me to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time, but I don’t know whether that is possible, because it being so far outside the norm for the development sector that I stand alone as a bit of an eccentric character who is campaigning for better work life balance in a situation which is so resource limited that competition and exploitation are both very high and normalised, so a work life balance is not a priority or even an entertainable concept for anyone outside of myself (everyone around me has hustle mentality). From what I know of public service/social workers by talking to friends and family who do this type of work in the UK /new zealand/US/canada this seems to be a pretty universal experience.
I have some ideas for what I want to explore as ways of finding this balance, and I guess a part of me does also believe it is possible to find.
I guess for now I am curious about how you and others might approach giving back/service, and balancing that with personal joy.
With warmth,
MApril 13, 2024 at 11:16 am #431670anitaParticipantDear greenshade: good to see that you posted, I will read and reply in the next 48 hours.
anita
April 13, 2024 at 2:43 pm #431675anitaParticipantDear Maria:
You are welcome.
“There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing… to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time… for better work life balance… I am curious about how you and others might approach giving back/service and balancing that with personal joy“- for me, what I do here in the forums brings me contentment, so I don’t have to balance it with something else that would bring me contentment. I do balance the sitting down at the computer time with walking/ physically working time outdoors.
anita
April 14, 2024 at 10:01 am #431685
RobertaParticipantDear Maria
“There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing… to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time… for better work life balance…
A couple of options come to mind you could choose to work part/three quarter/flexi time at your current job if that is financially viable and spend your extra free time volunteering in a sector that appeals to you or you could possibly do agency work, that way you get to see a variety of establishments and can suss out which ones are good to work for and that way when a permanent vacancy occurs in your favourite company you could apply. Some companies actively promote their staff doing a certain amount of voluntary work during office hours.
Roberta
April 15, 2024 at 6:34 pm #431731anitaParticipantDear Maria:
“I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success… I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself“-
– what if you dedicated yourself so fully, so completely to being a part of something bigger than yourself, that you would become bigger than your personal anxiety (about failure and success)?
anita
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