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Dear TB community,
I work in a network of “offices” on an on-call basis. Early this year, I went into this office for the first time. The routine for me is to sign in at the office before moving to the part of the building to do the task I signed up to do for that day.
Some information about me as I go about life that may help you see the picture: fresh faced mid-30s; I am soft in my approach — the please and thank you’s come ingrained in the way I deal with most every one, thoughtful, generally trusting, have been learning to be assertive, competent in my job, and open to new people and open minded, This latter point might lead some to judge me as naive and an easy pick for unloading.
In our first encounter, the admin assistant (receptionist type position) — an older woman who carried herself in an imposing manner — was looking at her screen. Assuming that she was on a task that needed focus, I waited for her to finish said task while standing within her line of vision without imposing my presence on her. I gently said “good morning” after a longer than expected wait, and she slowly raised her eyes to meet mine, without uttering a single word. I did what I needed to do to sign in, let the way she made the situation uncomfortable go in my mind, and went about my job.
I’m good with what I do and I enjoy my circumstances for the most part: talking to people who work there, being open, pleasant, but never imposing my presence on anyone who might be avert to new relationships with a relative stranger.
These past couple of weeks, I was positioned in that office on a regular basis (every work day), and things have escalated. The uncomfortable silences continued until I break it in the morning; the insiduous micro-agressive moves such as flicking my dayfile my way while blankly glaring (I picked this word carefully considering staring would have a different feel on you when it was what someone is doing it) at me. When I would say thank you, she would sit down in this important way that I’d noticed and flagged as a bit odd; subtly squaring her shoulder and refusing to move when we are stuck in the same narrow walkway in the office until I’d duck and move to prevent it from becoming an awkward stand-still; not giving me a plan for the day until I realised the next day that there was one for me that only she’d received via email…
I’d tried to minimise any chances of encounter with her, including asking for permission (and given) to keep my key so I didn’t need to talk to her. Mostly, it was to close the door for her insiduous ways to undermine or inconvenience my doing my work or having a smooth day at work.
I’d have been frightened, flagellate myself in the past for being an awful person because that’s why I’d invited that kind of treatment and that was what I deserved. However, after some inner work in the past year, I knew it was my pattern and I want to learn to deal with people like this woman in an effective way going forward.
I hate being bullied, because of the growth I’d experienced from the days when I’d internalise and implode with substance abuse. I’m still learning alternate, healthier ways to deal with bullying behaviours directed at me.
Any advice is welcomed. Thank you for reading.
Dear Mark, Anita, and Brandy,
Your responses overlap in some ways and differ from each other in others, as a result of which, the options I have are clarified and one in particular is highlighted in my mind. Thank you all, in the unique ways you extended a warm helping hand. As my path of growth is from a tendency to bottle up and act in, the trajectory of my growth has been to act out and I sometimes manage to pretend I’m more self-empowered than I feel, but I also recgonise that what I need at this moment is to scrunch up my face, curl up in a ball, and cry.
With the issue at hand, I’d done: glaring back, cussing out in my head, making faces behind her back.
Anita, your suggestion made me chuckle. How liberating that would be. My profession is one in which we are held up to some (to me somewhat) arbitrarily high standards — maturity, poise, doing the right thing all the time, etc… I entertained the thought that the person we discussed saw that as a trump card to hold people in my position in check, knowing that I (we) cannot afford to act “inappropriately”. It’s like people cannot easily imagine that people in my profession experience bullying as well.
Brandy, your insight regarding remembering not to allow her power-tripping behaviour to get to me is tremendously helpful. It’s simple enough to use as a snappy soundbite especially at times stress and adrenaline flying rampant when I next come into contact with her (and the next time, and the next time…)
Mark, thank you for affirming what I’d begun to counsel myself with in similar situations, that it is inevitable that we encounter people who are rude/angry/have s&*! to unload.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 