Hello, i have never posted before but i read a lot of the forum threads and i feel people give great advice and i would love some other perspective on this situation i find myself in with the same man over and over again.
I am 35 soon to be 36, have had one long term relationship of 7 years where we lived together, bought ourselves a home and within 2 years had reduced ourselves to home furnishings and little to no intimacy . I left , started and finished a masters and threw myself into a new career which i really love. that was 3 years ago.
Two years ago i met a man, who shook up everything in me all the work i had done on myself to make myself strong and independent and happy. Very early on he told me of an ex partner who had cancer and who he saw regularly and maintained a close friendship with. This man and I over the space of two years have had a very addictive push pull relationship with little to no commitment which as it progressed and as she became sicker and sicker became almost abusive. abusive in the sense that i was falling very much in love with this man, who knew this, while he was becoming more and more distraught that this woman was dying. Yet we would still meet and share our bed with each other. numerous times he walked away from me and every time came back regaining contact all the while. She finally passed away 8 months ago, he went travelling for some months, came back and saw me . We spent the past month seeing each other as friends, with me feeling finally strong due to his absence. we ve had a lovely month swimming in the sea, cooking diners and going out together. I think what made it great was the fact that i felt more in control and less vulnerable , as i felt sure i could survive without him. I know how this all sounds, even as i write it it makes me feel unbelieveably sad to see how it looks on paper. I completely fell in love with this man. he is one of the smartest, most beautiful men i have ever met. He told me the other night he was ready to have a relationship with me, almost instantaneously i panicked, and the feelings of dread of losing him again make me feel ill. we ve seen each other a few times since , always fraught with anxiety on my part, feeling not good enough, not smart enough , and scared that ultimately he ll leave me as i genuinely feel i would not be good for this man. I have always struggled with a mild depression which after 15 years i have given in and began medication for along with fortnightly therapy which has helped me immensely. however the minute this man is in my life everything turns to pieces inside me . Yet i look at him and feel this love that scares me so much. When we are intimate and share a bed, we have both said that its like nothing we ve ever felt before. Sometimes i think its a profoundly sexual connection that keeps us together, on his part. On my part i see a man with such a bright future, a beautiful way with people who has experienced a lot and due to his presence and personality seems to live a very full life, something i think i have always struggled with. i know i have to stop this relationship, i ve said it so many times to him, he always comes back but the second we get close, he goes again. apologies for the essay. Today i had a swim at 6am in the ocean and it was lovely even if i was crying ! any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Harsh but kind truths also. Thanks