September 25, 2019 at 1:12 pm #314305
Hi TB friends,
its been a bit since I have shared my life in this platform. If anyone reads my previous forums, which I know the folks who work for this site do, it would come as no surprise to all that my relationship has ended. After 3 years and 9 months, my partner ended our relationship a month or so ago. He has not looked back accept to close our bank account, take his rental deposit and to cancel our marriage registry date. He said that he had fallen out of love with me months ago but didn’t want to accept it. Now that our marriage date was upon us, he couldn’t go through with it as he simply didn’t love me.
To say I am sad is an understatement but I am doing much better than I thought I would. When it happened, I thought I would die. I even thought of just ending it myself but with resilience, internal wisdom, yoga, therapy, meditation and friends, I have been able to fight that urge. I have been doing some wounded inner child meditation and I know that I get into the relationships I do to recreate the abandonment scenario that has been my childhood over and over again. My question is how do I move forward? How do I forgive my mother and my late father. I really don’t see how I will heal without forgiveness. I know my folks had a hard life and they did their best to keep us safe and alive. They didn’t have a childhood of their own but they gave us some of our own. They were victims themselves.
My resentment for them keeps my inner child sad and focused on my ex. I am old enough to know that my sadness has nothing to do with my ex (of course I miss him and still love him) but I keep crying uncontrollably and being sad. Any help or guidance in this matter would help me. Before anyone suggests, no it is not an option to stop talking to my mother. I no longer expect anything from her but I am still responsible for her wellbeing as she is elderly and above all, my mother.
sSeptember 26, 2019 at 8:32 am #314443PeggyParticipant
Your partner of nearly 4 years ended your relationship a month ago even though plans for your wedding had been made. This must have been really tough on you but it is far better for him to be honest with you now than to drag you through the divorce courts later on. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your childhood and your fear of abandonment is to blame. Two people involved themselves in this relationship and that means that two people are responsible for its survival or otherwise.
Your words are telling you that your parents were victims of their family circumstances – this is the beginning of the forgiveness phase. Having compassion for their situation brings about forgiveness. Forgiveness just means letting go. Resentment keeps you holding on. It is the opposite of what you hope to achieve.
You need to be able to release all thoughts of resentment. When such thoughts come up, as meditation teaches you, just let them come and then let them go again as soon as you are aware of them. Bring your awareness back to the present. Release such thoughts with love knowing that you don’t need them any more. I’m not sure what your inner child meditation work is but please be aware that your focus should be on what you want to create such as soothing the inner child rather than on the wounded child.
Love is the greatest healer on Earth. You now have an opportunity to care for your mother, perhaps in a way that she has never been cared for before. That can bring its own reward if you let it.
PeggySeptember 26, 2019 at 3:11 pm #314501
Thank you Peggy. It makes a lot of sense. I am able to break things down and understand that outside of my relationship with my mother, she is a person who has suffered a lot in her life. This has me wanting to care for her. The difference is that I don’t expect her to be anything more than she is to me now. My ex in a way has showed me this. I told him once (in one of our breaks) that I can’t keep chasing someone to love me as I have been doing that all my life with my parents. That was a moment of clarity that was shown to me by the higher power but when I started telling myself stories, I back tracked and stayed with him knowing that it wasn’t right.
I will not quit on myself again this time. I am going to spend time with myself. For now, I am giving myself 6 months to date myself and no one else. Once I can establish a relationship with myself, I’ll look into getting in one with someone else. I am going to heal and grow from this pain. I am determine to do that!
thanks you and namaste.September 27, 2019 at 12:25 am #314589siaParticipant
Sia here. If you are the same person, We spoke on this website few years back. It was about your birthday.. and you planned to play music for some gathering and felt good about it.
I kept you in my prayers few times over all these years.. whenever i remembered your name.. hope you are doing well. I read your post today.
This situation you are going through… i would like to gently remind you that almost everyone goes through this once or more times in their life. Almost everyone makes it to the other end. I do not in any way mean to simplify the immense grief you are feeling now. I want to remind you that this is also a part of life and can be dealt with.
If i remember, you moved from another country to this place, and made it this far. You are a brave girl.
I want to ask you to take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, be gentle with yourself till you feel ready to face everything. THIS TOO, SHALL PASS. till then, keep yourself warm, prioritise basic needs of life.. food, water, fresh air, good health, company.
A healthy mind, well nourished body would heal faster. Please take care of yourself. Keep your day scheduled in general, to keep you occupied. Make a routine for your day and follow it. Keep an hour or two for your favourite hobby – create something in that time. Mine was to crochet( it helped… really)… yours may be music.
Frame your self love into a simple sentence, and repeat it when you need it.. when sadness strikes again. Mine was – i love you more than anyone else in the world. I am always there for you. I repeated this thousands of times till i felt better. Till i trusted myself more.
I hope you feel better. I pray that you stay happy always.
Sia.September 27, 2019 at 7:05 am #314621
I do remember you. You are so kind. I genuinely believe that its prayers from good people like you which has helped me through my darkest hours. I have been so down and out lately but whenever I feel a moment of joy, i think of the good people who pray for me. I don’t think any thing you have said above is minimising my grief. on cont-rare, its telling me that I am not alone. I miss my partner immensely but I know that with time, this will pass.
Sia, May you always spread the light you do everywhere. May you always rejoice in the fact that you have made a sad girl happy today. May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you live with peace.