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How to Start a Gratitude Practice to Change Your Life

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” -Lao Tzu

Somewhere in the distant past, out here in New Zealand, I recall someone saying to me “Be grateful for small mercies.”

Back in the 1950s, when I was a small girl, that meant being grateful for the simple things that made up the better part of my life.

As I grew, I forgot that piece of advice that someone, probably my beautiful grandmother, gave me way back then. But in 2010, I remembered it again.

Like so many people in the world in 2010, troubles were crowding in on me.

My American same-sex partner and I had not been able to see each other for over a year, due to both the usual constraints—American immigration law does not recognize our relationship—and the not so usual – the recession, joblessness, bankruptcy, and threatened foreclosure on our American home.

In July my father died in New Zealand and it was at that point I threw in the towel. Life was beyond me. Life was too big for me. I was like that small girl back in the 1950s trying to wear her big sister’s wool jersey only it was way too big for her—she was swamped!

At that moment I fired off an email to the great love of my life in New York. “Darling, I am beginning a gratitude list. Here are five things I am grateful for. Now you add to that and let’s start letting the universe know we love its small mercies!”

And so we did.

We began to shift our focus away from the pain we felt at not being able to be together, from the heartbreaking loss of people we loved and from the impending loss of the home where we had known such happiness.

Now I gave thanks for the silence that enabled me to hear the birdsong in my New Zealand garden, for my tea and toast, for my cozy bed, for the clear blue sky.

She gave thanks for the good deeds she had been able to do that day and for the help others had given her. She gave thanks for the beautiful day, for her pizza, and for the delicious water she was able to gather from an underground spring near her house in upstate New York.

And then, as the months went on, a curious thing happened. We stopped feeling alone. Together we summoned a power neither of us could have summoned alone.

We began to see that, in reality, we lacked nothing, despite the fact that I was lucky if I had $1.54 in my bank account at the end of most weeks and had not been able to afford to fly to my father’s funeral without borrowing money.

Despite the fact that she had to choose between paying the mortgage and paying her health care (which meant the mortgage had not been paid for a year). Despite the fact that we knew we would not see each other for another year at least!

Slowly, over time we awoke to the true value of our health, our deeply comforting long-distance love, the air we breathed, and the hot water that flowed in our homes. Slowly over time we came to see that, even amidst the loss and seeming deprivation, we were actually rich beyond words.

And then, in spite of the economic climate, the money began to roll in—slowly at first, and now in larger and larger amounts. We have been guided to find ways to avoid the threatened foreclosure. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, our home is safe!

Like so many people everywhere, my partner and I have spent the last few years on an exhausting roller coaster ride. I don’t allow myself to imagine where we would be now if we hadn’t remained loyal to the daily practice of gratitude over these many months.

Here’s what I have learned about starting a gratitude practice:

1. Commit.

This is a spiritual practice that gains momentum over time and with practice. If you are like me you will have days where you can find every reason under the sun why you can’t possibly do it. (Isn’t putting the rubbish out much more important?!)

Gratitude doesn’t seem to come as easily as grumbling does, and you will likely resist this exercise until the cows come home, as they say in New Zealand. Waiting for the resistance to pass is futile. Just do it.

I have learnt from this experience that even when you can hardly summon up the energy to shift into gratitude—even when you have to force yourself to begin, it still has magnetizing power.

2. Begin.

So do it. Sit down with pen and paper or at your computer and start, “I am grateful for …” Maybe you will have to stop there for a minute and wait because you just can’t think of anything. But just wait. Surrender to the moment. Something inside you will shift. The words will come.

This force that you are tapping into is bigger than you and it is bigger than your problem, no matter how big that is. That tide of fear that is overwhelming you is not all there is. There is so much more to you than that.

Your gratitude list is a bridge across those troubled waters to a resting place on the other side.

3. Write it down.

Sometimes, if we were both very busy, we would tell each other what we were grateful for during our daily phone conversation. For some reason I never felt this had as much power as writing. There was just something about the energy that seemed to surround the written list that set it apart.

4. Feel it.

Some days you will write without feeling a shred of gratitude. That’s ok. Just do it anyway. And when you can summon up the feeling of gratitude in your heart, let it percolate through every cell in your body. Embody it. Place your hands on your heart. Raise your head, lift your body up, and raise your arms.

Move into the feeling. Dance it. Sing it. Aspire to a fullness of heart, no matter what is going on around you.

5. Choose a set time of day.

You may want to do this when you first wake in the morning or late at night before you go to sleep. This is a tricky one for us since we live in different time zones. The best we can manage is that she usually writes her list to me while I am asleep and I usually write my list to her while she is asleep.

6. Practice present-moment gratitude.

As you move through your day, pause now and then when you remember, and think as you do something “I am grateful.”

I like to do this with my morning cup of tea. Try touching your tea or coffee cup with gentle love and appreciation before you take your first sip. Moving through your day with awareness and grace in this way will mean that when you do sit down to write your gratitude list those things will come to mind.

7. Share the gratitude.

Partner with someone. You may not have a life partner half a world away as I do (lucky you!) but find someone to partner with. You will keep each other going and that sense of obligation to that person will give you the push you need to write your list on those days when it just seems too hard.

Reading what the other person has written helps you to access your own gratitude more easily, and it is fun to watch your gratitude email grown longer and longer and longer! You can see your progress.

8. Don’t stop once you start to see results!

When we first began to see results we thought we’d take a break from gratitude for a while. We quickly saw though that the energy surrounding our recovery would then start to lag and lose some of its oomph. So we’d drag ourselves back into the practice again and, as if by magic, our recovery would regain its momentum.

9. Allow yourself to be human.

Grumble if you must. Miss the odd day here and there. Write “I am grateful I am writing my gratitude list” five times if you can think of nothing else. We sometimes went three or four days without writing.

We would deal with that by either playing catch up—writing a few days in one—or by just letting those few days go and starting back again where we left off. Beware the little voice that says “You’ve missed a day. You’ve failed miserably at being grateful!” Ignore it. Get back up on your horse and keep riding!

Your best awaits you!

Photo by www.hansvink.nl.

Avatar of Helen Russell

About Helen Russell

"Helen Russell is a spiritual creative, writer and photographer who mostly lives in the south island of New Zealand. Her goal is to inspire others to live with spirit in their everyday lives. You can find her writings on www.thespiritedway.com or connect with her on Facebook. Visit her new storefront "The Secret Life of Toadstools."

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  • http://profiles.google.com/vivivdm Vivi Menezes

    Reading this text, it brought tears to my eyes. I’m in a moment where I have two days to find some way for a drastic life change and nothing seems to happen and I haveonly two more days before I lose a big chance in life…but I could easily find 5 things to be grateful for…e one of them is that I’m still standing on my feet, still waiting and believing some small miracle will happen…thank you for the text. I’ve been reading over the site for a few days and enjoying it a lot.

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  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Jennifer

    What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it. I once got in the habit of whenever I wrote in my journal, I would end with 3 things I was grateful for. Since I mostly wrote about unpleasant things, I thought this was a nice end to the entry. Unfortunately, so many days of excuses, I fell out of the habit. I believe I will start again.

    I can’t imagine being so far away from my boyfriend, however it may end up for a few years being many miles apart. Your story takes away some of the fear involved for me. Thanks for that.

  • Crystal

    Beautiful! This is exactly what welovegratitude.com encourages. Thank you thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose executive realness

    I just started my own gratitude practice a month ago. I have a special notebook that I write three daily things I am grateful for in, every night before bed. I try to make myself put some thought into it and not just name three things off the top of my head. Things have been really rough for me for a while now and it’s hard when you just try to remind yourself in your head that there is plenty to be grateful for… I need to see it on paper. Some days it’s all I can do to come up with three, but if nothing else the fact that I am awake and alive to see another day, breathing and able to write is a good starting point!

    Great piece–thanks for sharing your story here and giving me some perspective today.

  • Judilight

    This is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read. The honesty and love with which it is written moved me a lot. AND reminded me of course to get back to my Gratitude journal, which has lain untouched for 2 weeks. Thank you Helen for this lovely reminder of the power of our focus and the Grace of the Universe. And of course….all is perfect for you and your Love and no doubt you will be together sooner than later. :0)

  • Me

    If you need a little help or a reminder, I’ve started using http://happyrambles.com/ – Been dealing with depression and this is one of the tools I’ve been trying. Some days, like the writer says, I don’t feel it at all, but still put stuff down – usually ends up being the little things, but that’s okay. Life is made up of the little things.

  • Whimsy

    Hi ME. I tried to get the happyrambles site to send me the confirmation email; I signed up but I didn’t get a confirmation. If worse comes to worse, I will just handwrite a journal. Thanks for the link though. I appreciate it.

  • Angela Gunn

    Beautiful! This post is so inspiring I just asked a friend of mine if they would start a gratitude list via email with me as they are also half way around the world.
    I’m grateful for this post and I’m grateful for the inspiration!
    I hope you and your partner are able to live with each other in the near future. It’s so sad your marriage is not recognized. I’m doing my best to fight for couples like yourself! I have hope for the future!

  • Akelly158

    Love it! I am going to recomend this to some friends. Very accessiable way to think of this principle :)

  • Stephanie

    Thank you for sharing the online link… I’m going to start using this each day!

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  • http://re-be.com/ Nick

    Great post Helen – and very timely! A group of us are creating and celebrating our own “Thanksgiving Day” celebration in New Zealand this weekend. You can find out more here:
    http://www.facebook.com/thanksgiving.nz

    Aroha, Nick

  • Helen

    Hi Vivi. I can relate so well to your feeling of being grateful for still standing on your feet. Some days its hard to fathom how life got so challenging isn’t it. I see the regular practice of gratitude as being like a refuge where you can feel safe for a while and as well it seems to miraculously lead you out of uncertainty and onto a path in life that feels just right. Thanks so much for commenting on my post Vivi. I wish you love and miracles! Helen

  • Nancy

    yes yes yes…even though I know this I so appreciated your well thought out guidance – and now I am motivated to begin, literally NOW! thank you for your story.

  • Helen

    Hi Me. Thanks so much for commenting here. I will definitely look into this site. I was inspired by your comment that life is made up of the little things. You are so right. And writing my gratitude list has taught me how precious all those little things actually are. Much love ~ Helen

  • Helen

    You are so welcome Jennifer. If you do have to spend time apart from your boyfriend you might like to bear in mind this one thing I now know for sure ~ the invisible thread that connects two hearts in love is capable of stretching a very very long way! Love and light ~ Helen

  • Helen

    I am so happy to know this post has motivated you Nancy! Much love ~ Helen

  • Helen

    Hi Nick! Great to hear from you. Your Re-Be blog post is very inspiring and I am right there with you on the idea. As you say “We are the lucky ones free from harm”. Aroha, Helen

  • Helen

    So glad you love the post Akelly158! Much love ~ Helen

  • Helen

    Hi Angela. I’m thrilled you have started a long distance gratitude list. Wonderful! If lots of people did that it would become a web of gratitude that encircled the world. Thank you too for the way you are fighting for our cause! Love and blessings ~ Helen

  • Helen

    I’m so grateful for your comment Judilight. You have inspired me to stay the course with my writing style. And I’m thrilled you are reconnecting with your Gratitude journal! Beautiful. Much love ~ Helen

  • Helen

    You are so very welcome Crystal! Thank you to you also. Love and light ~ Helen

  • Helen

    Hi executive realness. Was so grateful for your comment! I know exactly what you mean when you say you need to see your gratitude on paper. That sums up how I feel perfectly! I wish you love and peaceful times ahead ~ Helen

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  • Dee

    Hey Whimsey, it took a few hours before I got my confirmation email, but it did arrive later on that evening – it was in my Junk folder though so now I’ve added Happyrambles as a contact, it’s a very helpful journal, very easy to use :)

  • Dee

    This is a wonderful story, until I read this, whenever I tried to think about what I was grateful for, I felt so guilty for being selfish and worse felt that being grateful was a sign of weakness, my beliefs were wrong – I’ve just written 5 things that I am grateful for, I don’t feel guilty, I don’t feel weak, I feel quite, well, free!

  • Helen

    Hi Dee. I’m just so happy to know you have made this shift in your perspective around gratitude! So happy that you feel free to be grateful now! Gratitude is such a positive and empowering force and as a daily practice I think it helps us all tap into our inner strength. Love and light ~ Helen

  • http://twitter.com/pesce41 Annie Dopkins

    I read this and passed it on to one of the most grateful people I know, mezzo soprano Joyce DiDonato. check her out here : http://www.joycedidonato.com/ She loved it. Then I decided to start a gratitude practice myself, and told my partner. She wanted to do it with me, so we have begun writing three gratitudes to each other daily. We are lucky in that we live together outside NYC, but like everyone, we have our ups and downs with life, too. It seems such a small thing, but really makes a difference. It makes room for you to think about those things, and leaves less time where you might be thinking about what is “missing”.
    Thank you for starting us on this journey.

  • http://twitter.com/cwriting C…

    This is such a good and positive idea! Thanks for sharing!

  • Sofia

    This is a wonderful way to realize that even though it may seem that way your life is still worth living. I wrote a list for today and it made me cry when I wrote down that I’m thankful for all the memories I have of my beloved late grandmother. I still miss her so much even though she died ten years ago. Thank you for inspiring me.

  • Seaandsun4me

    Thanks for this. You are soooo not alone. I am facing the probability of loosing it all but, I’m working hard to stay present and be grateful.

  • Figarosings

    Thank you! Just signed up for the happy rambles site.

  • busybrowngirl

    Two years ago, when I was going through a breakup, I tried any and everything to pull myself out of my spiraling depression. What ultimately helped was a combination of meditation, yoga, and practicing gratitude. Practicing gratitude reminded me that I was still here. Even though my partner left, she hadn’t taken all the joy from my life with her. As I began to appreciate the little things, my world started to open up. I felt stronger each day, and I didn’t feel so along. I completely relate the this post. I have to admit that I’ve certainly fallen off the wagon of my practice, but this post has inspired to start again. I didn’t share it before, but that’s a wonderful idea. I’m going to share this with my best friend. Thank you for this post and may you continue to be blessed!

  • Jessica Edlinger

    I’m in– I am also thankful for a small push to refocus. Thank you! http://swirlsofgratitude.blogspot.com/2011/04/day-1-inspired.html

  • http://twitter.com/sriniovasan srinivasan sankar

    I am in a not so good shape now, but this post gives me so much hope! i cant stop thanking you enough Helen for putting up this post

    I am going to start this and irrespective of the results, i thank you!

    i am going to start giving my gratitude for

    1 – you sharing this post
    2 – seeing this post
    3 – the post giving me hope

    Thank you!

    Srini

  • Helen

    Srini you truly are so welcome! I must thank you also. Comments on my blog post have brought me so much joy as a writer. I wish you love and miracles Srini. I’m there on Facebook if you want to keep me posted on your progress! Helen

  • Helen

    Thank you for this beautiful comment and blessing busybrowngirl, and for the inspiring life lessons you’ve shared. I am so happy you have been inspired by my words. Just so happy. I wish you love and joy as you embark on your new shared gratitude list! Helen

  • Helen

    Beautiful Jessica! Very inspiring. I envy you the red curry with tofu over brown rice! Sounds yummy! Today I am grateful for the autumn leaves that are swishing around on the footpath outside my house here in New Zealand. Bless you ~ Helen

  • http://twitter.com/sriniovasan srinivasan sankar

    Greetings Helen!

    Hope you are doing terrific!

    I can’t tell you how much of an impact gratitude has made on me! It has been only a week (19.04.2011 to be precise) since i read the posted and started. Now, i can see my life is slowly gaining the much needed momentum and change! (i’ve been waiting for this for 7 years now!)

    Initially i made a big (and growing) master list of things i am grateful on the whole (eg, sun, nature, incidents and material belongings in my personal life, etc) and then a list of things i am grateful on a daily basis. I constantly add to the master list and make it a point to fill in the daily list!

    I started the list with utmost earnest, but i must admit that, initially i couldn’t ‘feel’ grateful for all the things with the same magnitude. but, slowly i have started ‘feeling’ more things more often and with similar magnitudes.

    Incidentally, i also realised that i have been suffering from a mild level of depression, that’s when i started up meditation (25.04.2011 if you ask :-) ).

    i can’t tell you how much of an positive impact Gratitude + Meditation has had on my life.

    I can properly feel my life turning by its head! and turning for good!

    Thank you so much for writing the post and helping me, i am sure a lot of people have started to turn their lives as well!

    A big hug from Manchester!

    Loads of Gratitude and Love
    Srini

    P.S sorry for the long post

  • Helen

    Hi Srini! I can’t tell you how much joy reading this note from you brings me! Thank you so much for keeping me updated on your progress. Now I will smile all day long.

    Love and hugs from New Zealand ~ Helen.

  • http://twitter.com/sriniovasan srinivasan sankar

    :D i am absolutely delighted to hear someone will smile on my progress! I feel like coming to kiwi land just to meet you!

    Thanks a lot Helen.

    Cheers!
    Srini

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  • Maria

    Hello.
    I’m from Spain. I’ve just come across your blog about gratitude.Today
    I’m going to write my list of “I’m grateful for…”. First, I’m grateful
    for having read your ideas about gratitude and for making me feel that I
    am a very lucky person and I should give thanks for it more often.
    Thank you for reminding that to me.

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  • http://beachyfeet.blogspot.com Whitney

    On November 1st I started a gratitude practice here at work.  I am in a job that isn’t very fulfilling but I realized that I have the power to choose how I percieve work.  In the past I would just quit and move onto another unfulfilling job because I have to make a certain amount of money to have the blessings I have outside of work (nice home, close to the beach, etc…).  Anyway, it’s been almost 6 years in the same job and in this market in San Diego, each day with a job is a blessing in itself, fulfilling or not.  So I decided to make work fulfulling for myself! 

    I printed a lined piece of paper with the word “Gratitude” at the top of it and I put it on a clipboard in the lunchroom with a pen next to it.  Then I wrote down something that I was grateful for.  My co-workers all asked “What’s this all about?”  And I explained that we all need to remember how much we really do have to be grateful for instead of being so stressed all of the time.  Anyway, it took a while for people to warm up to the idea, but you should see the response.  People have written down some pretty amazing things this week.  My favorite one (even though I’m not religious) was “I am grateful for freedom of religion.” 

    That one made me really think.  Because I too am grateful for the freedom to not have religion.  There are people in this world without that choice.  Anyway, I am grateful that I was able to give others the opportunity to feel gratitude this week…in a place where a lot of us take life and all of its abundance for granted sometimes…

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  • elle

    Hello Ms. Helen, I’ve been feeling so low lately, lost my Dad a month ago.  And I have been searching for  answers through google. I feel alone and miserable till I came across this article. Thank you so much for putting light in my world.  Reading this has brought me to tears. Thank you, you just made me feel better.

  • Ashima

    This is a beautiful piece of writing. I started writing my Gratitude list some 3 months back. I write my list before going to bed. But it is a wonderful practice to always remain in Gratitude throughout the day for even smallest of things like having a shower and a bath under it. Yes it changes your life makes you more peaceful. gives u good health, changes your perception about things in life. Even i miss out writing it on some days but I never belittle myself. Thank You God for making me come across such a beautiful article on Gratitude. Thank You God for everything.

  • Lorraine

    Thank you for sharing this heartfelt story of gratitude. I found the same power while struggling to become a Mom, a journey I’ve been on for over 7 years. When it seemed that all around me everyone was being blessed with a child or children, I felt the sharp, stinging pain of lack. Two years ago I started keeping a daily gratitude journal and it was the one thing that shifted everything for me. It was a true blessing from the universe. My practice  allowed me to see all that I do have and to appreciate it so much so that I now am filled with love and life and joy every single day, and during certain moments even bliss.

    I was so moved by the power of my practice that I created an actual journal – From Gratitude to Bliss – to inspire others to experience this in their own lives, a practice I call Vitamin G Living. 50% of the print profits go to HealingHaiti.org, I hope you will check it out. http://nourishbynature.com/vitaming.

    I wish you much continued happiness through your beautiful practice. It’s inspiring to see how you’ve shared the journey with your partner and how together you’ve experienced an even greater bond with each other and the universal life force. Many more blessings to you and thank you for sharing this message, surely the world needs it!

    Lorraine Miller
    Holistic Health and Lifestyle Coach

  • Cara Leckenby

    Oh, you genius you.  Adding a link from my post, under “practicing gratitude”  - thanks for the inspiration!

  • Antonia

    do you think that doing it by myself will be as powerful as doing it with someone else? thank you for the amazing post! x

  • Jack Dawson

    This has to be the most well-thought-out article I have ever read on the subject. It put a light, airy feeling in my solar plexus INSTANTLY. Thank you for sharing your profound insight!

  • Pizi Apps

    Hi, You should try this apps to write down your gratitude list on you phone. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=sarusiad.gratitude.list.pro

    this work ounders for me

  • Pizi Apps

    Hi, You should try this apps to write down your gratitude list on you phone. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=sarusiad.gratitude.list.pro

    have fun

  • Jit

    Hey,
    Thank you for this post, it’s been lovely to read. I feel that meditation paired with gratitude is a very potent combination and helps us to keep “turning for the good”