Tiny Wisdom: The Most Powerful Words for Healing

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamson

Did you ever feel like there was a conversation you really wanted to have with someone, and yet a part of you felt it was unwise?

This is a feeling I know all too well.

When I was younger, I spent years fighting for an apology. It wasn’t until my whole world crashed down on me that I realized I’d become a tornado of anger and bitterness, destroying everything in my wake.

I eventually realized I needed to let go of the victim story I’d been carrying around, whether I got the closure I sought or not. For a long time, I thought I had let go.

But recently I realized I’ve been carrying around subconscious resentment, because a part of me still wants to hear those words I chased long ago—that I’ve always deserved respect and love, and I’ve never deserved to feel pain and shame.

So I put this all in a letter that I don’t intend to send. Despite having spent many years in therapy, and even more collecting self-help books, I’ve never done this before.

The other day was the first day I got it all down. I titled this Word Doc “What I Need to Say,” and I ended it with the following words:

“I wrote this letter because I want to heal more fully. A part of me feels that would be so much easier for me if you could look me in the eye and say, ‘I’m sorry.’

Then I remember I chose to stop pursuing an apology. So instead of pushing for it, I will say this: for all the anger, resentment, bitterness, and cruelty I directed toward you many years ago, I’m sorry. That’s not the person I want to be. The person I want to be isn’t a victim. She’s loving, compassionate, and kind.

The person I want to be has forgiven you, and loves herself for making that choice.’”

Somehow just expressing these thoughts makes me feel empowered—and all the more confident that I deserve my own respect. I am not forgetting that I was hurt. I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to be the type of love I’d like to receive.

Little in this world is more powerful than that.

Photo by Frames-of-Mind

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the Founder of Tiny Buddha. She recently launched her Tiny Wisdom eBook Series which includes one free eBook. Follow Lori on Twitter @tinybuddha for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes and don't forget to read the submission guidelines if you'd like to submit a blog post.

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Did you enjoy this post? Please share the wisdom :)

http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

That’s a good point. It always helps me to consider that I don’t fully know what someone else was going through when they hurt me. It doesn’t condone thoughtful, disrespectful, or abusive choices, but it makes it a little easier to feel compassion instead of bitterness.
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You’re welcome. Thank you for reading!
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

Thanks so much Elle. That’s a powerful quote from Marianne Williamson. I want to be free too!
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

That’s wonderful Felissa (the moving on part, not the hurting part). I know it’s not always easy to move on, but it’s so much easier when we decide we want to do it.
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome Carol. =)
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You’re welcome Eleanor. I know what you mean..it’s always much simpler to know something than it is to put it into practice!
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You bring up a good point about wanting to feel things are equal. I think of being deliberately hurt as a power imbalance, and closure as restoring balance. And yet I’ve realized sometimes I need to empower myself without the other person acknowledging it. It’s certainly a challenge, but I think it makes us stronger when we’re able to do it.
http://learningtobeokay.blogspot.com/ Kristine K.

This is such an inspiration for me. I am currently in the process of finally realizing that I am bitter and carry resentment towards my mother. I appreciate this because I am having to learn that sometimes, the apology you want or need will never come and that I have to forgive her anyway. Thank you for this. You are awesome!
Nancy

I was recently led to your blog and have been enjoying your posts very much. This one is awesome and one I can relate to wholeheartedly. There’s a saying that holding on to a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That is exactly what I did for many years of my life. I was killing myself from the inside out by holding on to some things that happened to me as a child and subsequent decisions I made as a young adult because of my lack of self-esteem created by the childhood trauma. Long story short, I was basically abandoned by my parents…they gave me to another couple to raise though they stayed in my life and would visit usually weekly (they really didn’t do the obligatory visits for me but that’s another story). I grew up wondering how unworthy must I be if even my own parents didn’t want me (I had two older brothers they did not give away). Those feelings and the consequent lack of self-worth led me to make some poor choices, one of which was the man I chose to marry. He was selfish, deceitful, abusive, and a terrible person who treated me terribly (the word psychopath comes to mind), but I remained bound and determined to keep my family together (I had three boys) because of what I had suffered as a child. Living this continued nightmare in which I felt completely trapped led me to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had unfortunately chosen to numb myself in order to deal with my circumstances. It was there that I discovered how wrong my parents and husband had been about me…that I was completely worthy, and I quickly knew I would no longer allow myself to be a victim. I set clear boundaries which ultimately included leaving my husband, and I started on the process of recovery to include, in large part, forgiveness…for me. It took time and a lot of work, but I am a new person today and at soon to be 55 years old, for the first time in my life, I have a peace that I never knew existed. I am happy, confident, and content. I stopped playing the victim and I stopped banging my head against the wall. My parents are both deceased now and my ex-husband, well having three adult boys creates the need to have him in my life from time to time, but the word indifference is the best way I can describe our relationship for me today. It is one of the gifts of forgiveness. I don’t love him and I don’t hate him, he is just there, and he no longer has an ounce of power over me. I know today that his treatment of me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, and the same holds true for my parents. It’s a wonderful feeling for which I am extremely grateful. Every once in a while, I feel a twinge of sadness for the fact that it has taken me so long to get to the place I am today, but then I remember that some people never get there and continue to suffer until the day they no longer walk the earth, and I am grateful once again. Forgiveness changed my life, and your post inspired me to share a bit of my story. Thank you, and I wish many blessings to you and yours.
Urgurltiff13

This is a beautiful article… I for so long felt like closure from my last relationship was all I needed to move on. But now I know that forgiving myself and my ex is the way to open my heart and soul to happiness. I still wish I could apologize to him and I can receive and apology from him as well but forgiving myself and him alone is all I need to grow as a person. Thank you Lori
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

Thanks Jennifer! I love the name of your site, and what a fascinating project–listing everyone you’ve ever known. How long did that take you? I bet it was really liberating, both to recognize everyone you needed to forgive, and to see just how many people have touched your life in a positive way. I may do that myself one of these days. =)
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome. Closure can be suck a tricky thing, since we can’t always get other people to tie things up neatly. I’m glad my post was helpful to you!
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome Kristine! It’s a tough one to learn–I know that all too well! I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in this. Somehow recognizing we all deal with the same things makes it easier to find strength and let go.
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

When I first started reading your comment, my eyes actually welled up a little. I was thinking, “I can only imagine how tough that must have been, having to wonder why your parents gave you away.” Then as I read on and read about your transformation and healing, my eyes watered up for a different reason. You’re a true inspiration Nancy. Thank you for sharing your story here!

Lori
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Nancy
Thank you for sharing such a sensitive and personal post. I felt so sad when you described your childhood and the emotional suffering you endured for years. However you helped me so very much when you expressed how you are today. I am so amazed at how much damage occurs in our childhoods that insidiously festers to such pain in adulthood. Did I ever think that at 50 years old I would be still struggling with my self esteem and continuously trying to shoo away those thoughts of not being good enough. UGG sometimes I just want to stay STOP IT I want to love me and walk around in life just free and peaceful and joyful.
http://profile.yahoo.com/5SKPZJSIWDMO5JCCPESVYQTXEE JC

Great post. I’ve been in a rage over something and reading it really helped me calm down.

But what really has me stuck is, even if I forgive the past and present wrongs, I don’t know how to handle the future ones. I mean, the people creating the problems for me aren’t likely to change. They are going to just continue to upset me. I don’t know how to effectively stop it. How do you walk away from close relatives when they are not only your children’s grandmother and aunt, but also LIVE in close proximity? I have not been able to figure this one out.
http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

Hi JC,

I think that’s a tough situation, especially since you’d be cutting off contact for both you and your children. If these relatives have healthy relationships with your kids, I’d imagine you wouldn’t want to do that.

A therapist once told me that we can’t change people; we can only change how we respond to them. Is there anything you can do to change how you engage with them to minimize the potential for future hurt? Can set different boundaries for yourself? Can you limit your contact and the topics of discussion? In this way, you don’t need to maintain the same relationships in which you were previously hurt; you’d be creating a new one that is less damaging to you emotionally.

Just some food for thought. I hope this helps!

Lori