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He said He Doesn't See a Future

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  • March 5, 2014 at 6:34 am #52307
    cherie
    Participant

    Hey all,

    Here’s my dilemma: I’ve been with a great guy for a little over a year now. We have a blast when we hang out, and we spend virtually all of our free time together. His friends are my friends; my family has welcomed him with open arms. He’s my best friend. The problem is, on an emotional level it feels like our relationship hasn’t really progressed beyond the “six month” mark. By that, I mean that we never talk about “our future.” He’s never mentioned moving in together, getting engaged, or any of those other details that start to pop up by the “one year” mark.

    Part of me accepted that he’s just cautious he’s been so badly hurt in the past. He’s had a lot of emotional trauma in his life… most recently, he was cheated on by his live-in fiancee six months before their wedding. This happened three years before we met. But still, I was getting impatient so finally one night I asked him where he saw our relationship going in the next year, two years, three years, etc. He surprised me by admitting that he just “didn’t see a future” with me. He said “you’re my best friend and I love the time we spend together, but I don’t see us having the zing to make it work forever, and I don’t see you as my soulmate.” I was of course very hurt to hear this. We talked about it for a while, and he admitted that he wasn’t ready to “walk away” from our relationship yet, because he wasn’t “100% sure” that I wasn’t “the one.”

    I asked if this meant he wanted to break up, and he said it was up to me. (How passive and frustrating!) I said I didn’t want to, because I wasn’t ready to give up on our relationship.

    The truth is, I’ve never had the “You’re my soulmate!” moment, either… in fact, there have been times when I’ve been pretty sure he WASN’T the right guy for me. Like I said, we’ve been stuck in a rut for quite a while now, and we have our fair share of issues. We’ve even come close to breaking up several times, but we’ve always decided we “wanted to try to work things out.” Underneath it all, I have a lot of love for him and I don’t feel ready to give that up. Now, however, he’s pretty much told me that we don’t have a future together, and that he doesn’t see me ever becoming his wife. That’s different than saying “we just need time,” or “let’s see where things go.” He’s flat out told me, in more words or less, that it isn’t going to work out in the long run.

    I don’t know how we can continue to work on a relationship when he’s put that dark shadow over it. To make matters even worse, he’s started dropping hints like “I don’t see myself getting married for at least another five years” or “maybe I just won’t have kids.” These statements are totally contradictory to everything he told me when we started dating; I thought I was with someone family-oritented that wanted to get married in the near future. Now, I’m not sure if he’s just freaking out because of his past, if he’s just not that interested in me, or what. I need help. Wisdom. Insight. What can I do? What SHOULD I do?

    March 5, 2014 at 6:46 am #52312
    John Eric
    Participant

    I think you already know dear Woman. Let a best friend be a best friend, let a loving and caring partner be a loving caring partner here and now and for the future. Be well

    March 5, 2014 at 7:48 am #52315
    Chad
    Participant

    This sounds more about him than it does about you, just a few points I would like to provide an alternate perspective on, feel free to disregard if you wish. I am not a professional of any sorts.

    1: Lets give you credit for bringing your issues to him! Communication is a bedrock to any solid relationship, Lets also give this dude credit for giving you an honest answer to your concern. You got what you asked for, so how will you react? Use his honesty against him and end it? Someone who is willing to be open with you and honest with themselves seems to be a rare thing.

    2: Soulmate theory, I dont believe “soulmates” just happen, I dont believe you just walk through a crowd and are guided to someones spiritual energy. I believe soul mates are created when two people are compatible enough and feel comfortable enough with each other to drop all defenses and insecurities and bear their souls to each other. This vulnerability on both sides it what *creates* the soulmate bond. It takes a lot of work and two very emotionally healthy people.

    3: What will you do now? You say you love him and despite some relationship problems you want to “work it out.” I would use this as an opportunity to take inventory of these past issues, were they mutually resolved? or just swept under the rug? Were they really deal breakers that you ignored/made excuses for because you simply wanted the relationship/companionship so badly? You need to come up with a game plan of where to go from here. The pin has been pulled out of the grenade, will you throw it or hold onto it and let it blow you both up? His comment about not being 100% sure I think is a decent sign all is not lost just yet. Most people have several layers, the root of all this is probably between one or multiple of his. However most people aren’t honest enough themselves to start peeling the layers back to find the answers.

    I think your solution is going to come only after some hard, honest and open reflection, as to the condition of the current relationship. If there isnt really a strong foundation beneath the “surface” anything you build on that lot will just fall apart as time goes on. If the relationship hasnt progressed emotionally past 6 months, its probably because someone isnt willing or able to be vulnerable emotionally to take the big leap and risk to opening up and moving into deeper territory.

    March 5, 2014 at 3:27 pm #52349
    Jennifer Bardall
    Participant

    I think Chad brings up good points here.

    Now keep in mind that there is no “right or wrong” way for a relationship to progress after six months – I think this is a huge falsehood which causes a lot of pain and frustration (and really, the word “should” is the root of all evil – I feel so strongly about this, I talk about it on my blog all the time). Still, if you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy. You can’t deny your instincts.

    And clearly your instincts were right on the mark because there’s something going on with this guy. I think he’s doing just about everything he can to end this relationship without being the “bad guy” and breaking it off. Extremely passive aggressive of him.

    As John Eric said above, maybe this guy is better as a friend. I’m sure you care for him, but stringing this further and further along, when this man is all but assuring you he doesn’t see a future…You deserve better than that, and I feel like you know you do.

    I wish you the best!

    November 14, 2015 at 9:56 pm #87506
    ForgetMeKnot
    Participant

    It takes two to make or break a relationship. I played a part too!

    As much as I appreciated the honesty, it was only when asked, did his honesty surface.
    Yes, it was hard on both sides.
    At some point in our getting to know each other, he made the choice to not love.
    He was happy when with me.
    Caring for me though he was on the fence about me and yet did not see a future with me.
    He was not 100% certain and to be 100% certain about a relationship is quite the Oxymoron.

    He made a choice. I did not like this choice, nor his offer of friendship.
    The hurt felt dissapointment was too much to simply set aside and I was the heart felt fighter that would not stand alone.
    The courage and your choice to cut all ties is to hold value in yourself and allow time to heal,more so than to guilt or blame.

    After some reflection, I probably was insensitive sometimes towards his needs. More communication may have helped and more efforts would’ve been applied. Afterall, we are not perfectly molded to each other.

    It takes time to know someone and for a relationship to grow, love is a choice that is meant to be shared.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by ForgetMeKnot.
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