Jennifer Bardall believes that life is best lived on purpose. Her book, Delicious, describes her battle with emotional binge eating and encourages others to put down the fork and pick up their life.
Forum Replies Created
March 7, 2014 at 8:20 am #52460
Keep in mind, too, that “finding yourself” is a huge popular catch phrase. Like, what does it MEAN? Figure out what it means for you, and start experimenting. Here’s the thing: You know who you are. Deep inside, you’ve never forgotten – none of us ever has. It’s a matter of stripping away the outside “stuff” that leads us away from that sure, quiet core of our being. Connecting with what makes you happy, with what makes your heart sing.
Think back on what made you happy when you were a kid – and for you, that wasn’t so long ago. What did you want to be when you grew up? I bet you knew that you were pretty awesome – we all do, we’re born with this innate sense of wonder in ourselves which sadly is quieted down. Try to remember that. Have fun. Play. Don’t pressure yourself. Everyone tells us that we need to have things worked out by a certain age – and all that does is cause stress and worry and “stuckness”. Instead, figure things out in your own time. Listen to your heart, to your instincts. And remember that if anyone puts pressure on you to figure things out and conform, that it’s their issues and not yours that are a problem.
You’re young. Have fun. Explore. Figure it all out on your own terms. You’ve been blessed with insight which few have. Hang in there!March 7, 2014 at 8:16 am #52459
To me it’s a matter of accepting your flaws AS you try to change. In other words, not punishing yourself or beating yourself up for this perceived flaw, and accepting that this is a part of your personality that you wish to change because you feel as though it’s having a detrimental affect on your life and the lives of others.
All the self-knowledge in the world means nothing without willingness to then make the changes we feel necessary. And sadly, we can apologize all we want, but that doesn’t erase what we’ve said. If you feel you’re hurting others, and that this makes you feel bad, by all means do everything you can do work through it.March 6, 2014 at 11:59 am #52397
Chad has a good idea here. Honestly, being single and 31 is not that uncommon!
I understand what you mean when you say you feel like there’s nothing to offer/nothing in common – some people really become centered on their marriage or kids, and it’s hard to relate anymore. I totally get that.
Still, there are plenty of ways to meet new people!
You need to drop some of your limiting beliefs, too – it seems like you feel as though you have nothing to offer, being 31 and still single. Not true at all! Are you sure that it’s not just you who doesn’t find you worthy? Just something to think about.
Sometimes we’re the ones holding ourselves back because someone gave us an idea that we weren’t good enough, and without knowing it we’ve carried that feeling with us. After a while we’re the only ones who feel this way, only we don’t know it! Give it some thought, okay?March 6, 2014 at 11:55 am #52396
So stop those thoughts. Only you have the power to do it.
Forgiveness is literally the only way to get past something like this. Looking at it as a learning situation, something your soul needed to learn, and moving on. Holding on to past stories, to anger and resentment, placing blame on the self…it’s just a waste of time and energy, and it sends a message to your brain that this is still going on, so your body holds on to the tension and negative energy. It’s just no good.
You ask what helps transform, and that’s my answer. Forgiveness. Blessing the person and the experience, releasing it all, and moving on. You may need to forgive them a hundred times a day at first, whenever they pop up in your brain, but it WILL pass. I promise you that.March 5, 2014 at 3:36 pm #52351
It’s interesting to me that you offer this advice to someone else, yet you started this thread to ask for help.
I think you have the answers inside you, I really do. And the only way through it is time. Dedication to yourself, to your happiness. To filling yourself up with what makes your heart sing. To fill your life with things that make you happy to jump out of bed in the morning – friends, family, hobbies, learning, developing your talents and gifts, sharing yourself with the world. That’s the only prescription.
It just takes time. But you seem to be very intelligent and you seem to have a lot of understanding of yourself, and I think you have the tools. 🙂March 5, 2014 at 3:32 pm #52350
The only way to move on from this is to just move on.
It takes time. It takes dedication to yourself. But there is more to life than this.
Sadly, heartbreak happens – it’s a chance we all take when we open our heart to someone else. I know it held me back for a long time, not wanting to be hurt again.
The only cure is time, and getting your own life in order. Fill up with your friends, your interests, your hobbies. Get the hell off Facebook for a while (seriously, there’s more to life, my friend). Stop the stalking. It’s a waste of your time and your life. In time you’ll see what I mean. And no one can help you with that but you.
This girl is not the only girl in the world, and you’ll see that in time.
Best wishes to you!March 5, 2014 at 3:27 pm #52349
I think Chad brings up good points here.
Now keep in mind that there is no “right or wrong” way for a relationship to progress after six months – I think this is a huge falsehood which causes a lot of pain and frustration (and really, the word “should” is the root of all evil – I feel so strongly about this, I talk about it on my blog all the time). Still, if you’re unhappy, you’re unhappy. You can’t deny your instincts.
And clearly your instincts were right on the mark because there’s something going on with this guy. I think he’s doing just about everything he can to end this relationship without being the “bad guy” and breaking it off. Extremely passive aggressive of him.
As John Eric said above, maybe this guy is better as a friend. I’m sure you care for him, but stringing this further and further along, when this man is all but assuring you he doesn’t see a future…You deserve better than that, and I feel like you know you do.
I wish you the best!March 5, 2014 at 3:21 pm #52348
Ariadne, you’ve been through a lot, and the fact that you’re looking to improve your life says a LOT about you.
One thing I’d encourage you to look into is the way you identify with your past stories – incarceration, etc. What if you left those stories by the wayside? After all, they’re not YOU. YOU are a person with gifts and talents and insight and joys and pleasures and dreams. You are not your past, you are not where you’ve been. All of that may have informed the person you are right now, but they’re not YOU.
You talk about a lie of omission. But here’s the thing: No one needs to know about your past if you don’t want them to. It’s none of their business. And again, it doesn’t have to be part of your life if you don’t want it to.
You talk about writing – a great outlet! Do you have a blog? If not have you considered starting one? There are all kinds of ways to connect with fellow writers – groups on Facebook, websites (seriously there are so many – just google it). Comment on the blogs of other writers (Emily Suess is one who comes to mind, she gives great tips and has a big following, you’re sure to connect with people through her blog). Explore a little. The internet is a big wide place.
DO NOT limit yourself. DO NOT listen to the voices that tell you you can’t. They’re just voices, and it’s up to you to decide that they’re full of $hit.
And stop identifying so strongly with your past stories. Are you using them as a shield, maybe, as your calling card? As the only thing you think is interesting enough to share with people? Seriously – no one has to know, no one has to even care. I wonder if you’re not using your past as a way to hold people at bay – and that’s not a criticism, either, it’s just my coach self coming out and feeling the need to speak up. It’s definitely worth thinking about.
Consider starting a new story – creating a new version of you. Because you’re so much more than your past. You can do it. I know you can.March 5, 2014 at 3:11 pm #52346
Sandra, good for you! So brave, sharing your story like this, and standing up for yourself. I just shared a post on the site last week titled “Change Your Life By Changing Your Mind About Yourself” – did you happen to read it? You are the embodiment of what I was talking about in that post! Changing your mind about what you’re worthy of is the biggest catalyst for change. I’m so excited for you!!! 🙂March 5, 2014 at 3:07 pm #52345
First of all, your friends need to take their opinions elsewhere. You know that, right? I mean it’s none of their business. They’re just projecting their own obvious insecurities on to you.
Here’s the only thing that matters: Are you comfortable where you are? Don’t take into account what the scale says or what you’re “supposed” to weigh. How do you FEEL? If you feel tired, sluggish, uncomfortable, by all means take measures to make yourself feel better. Eat foods which will energize you, work out in whatever way is fun for you – I love dancing around the house while cleaning, doing zumba classes via videos I find on youtube, stretching, walking, whatever. You don’t need to work out in a gym – just move your body.
Understand that if you have the feeling that you need to accept your body as it is, you have to honor that feeling. The fact is, it’s the only choice any of us have: Making the most of what we have in the moment. Far too often we put off feeling good about ourselves to some other time in the future – once we’ve lost weight, or once we find a relationship, or once we have a bunch of money in the bank. It’s such a waste of time and energy. I applaud you for wanting to accept yourself the way you are in the moment – it’s the only way to be happy.
And again, if you want to make changes, do them out of love, because they make you feel good/positive/energetic/healthy. Not because there are other people in your life who feel the need to impress their own twisted ideas on to you. You’re better than that.
((HUGS)) to you! Hang in there, okay?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.