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Help: failing at self-improvement

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  • December 21, 2014 at 8:09 am #69573
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Has someone experienced this where you want to improve something about yourself, but looking at that imperfect part fills you with paralyzing shame?

    After taking a huge step forward overcoming fear in my life, I took a huge step back by behaving irresponsibly. I was trying to follow my instinct telling me to let go, but instead I took it too far and just let things crash. Immediately, my negative thought patterns returned in full force. I’m trying to confront myself and see if I’m sabotaging my progress because I was so used to feeling anxious and unhappy with myself.

    When I look at the mistake I made, I go straight to, “I can’t believe I did that. I embarrassed myself and ruined an opportunity for potential happiness,” (I have no idea if either of those things are true. In all likelihood they are not, but my mind seizes on them every time.) “Why do I have to keep messing up?”

    I know that making mistakes is a part of life and that I will never be in a place where I just stop making them. But even trying to minimize them, when I try to look objectively at my behavior, I can’t stop all these unhealthy judgments I make about myself and the situation. I think that it’s because while I want to change, I feel like if I work really hard and I still mess up, my self-esteem will go down even further. It would help if I could just forgive myself and move on, but I also suffer from a mood disorder and I obsess over what might have happened “if I hadn’t done that one thing.” Like my whole future happiness was riding on me getting this one thing right and I blew it. What sort of self-care or positive thought patterns will help me stop believing that? It’s horrible believing that you’ve ruined your own life forever, just by being who you are, and that you’ll never get any better because you shame yourself into paralysis.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Kyniska.
    December 21, 2014 at 2:21 pm #69581
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Kyniska,

    Having been through a similar period in my life, I can certainly empathize with what you are feeling. Change is hard because we often need to step out of our comfort zone and become a learner again and when we did something embarassing or missed an opportunity, the amount of self criticism that comes along can be paralyzing and by the time we take a second swing at it, we would have exhausted ourselves with negative thoughts. In other words, we were defeated in our minds before we even tried.

    The thing about happiness is that it is not dependant on any single opportunity (unlike fairy tales, sadly) and for everyone that you’ve missed, there is another waiting for you in the future that might be better. If you look back at some experiences in your life, you can probably recognise points that were particularly difficult but without them, you would not possess the strengths you have today. When your negative self talk commence, try:

    – Reframing it to something positive – For example, instead of thinking “why do I keep messing things up” consider “what I can do in the future to achieve success?”. It’s basically the same question except one is a lash on a past you can’t change whilst the other is solution focused and future orientated.

    – Breath and be present – Instead of locking yourself in your mind, be present in your body and feel the breeze of the wind, the flavour of food and the warmth of the sun. When you are present, you tend to take more pleasure in the simple things in life and things like yoga and meditation really helps in this regard.

    – Practice self compassion – When you are ripping into yourself in your mind, consider whether you would speak like this to a friend. If not, then you are probably going too far and should stop using one of the abovementioned techniques. Think of your mind as a garden and self doubt are like weeds that you need to take out as soon as you spot them.

    Hope that helps.

    December 21, 2014 at 4:35 pm #69582
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Kyniska,

    First off, relax. Your imperfections are what make you unique. Knowing and working on our imperfections can make life more exciting because there is always something to work on. We’re not meant to be perfect. I’m sure you’ve noticed that there is always a positive and negative to things in life. Well, our imperfections are the balance to our perfections. It’s all about how you look at your own imperfections that matter.

    Instead of seeing them as reasons to dislike yourself or seeing them as reasons why others don’t like you, see them as opportunities to understand yourself and your life in a deeper way. The happier you are with yourself, the more happiness you can share. People are attracted to happiness. We all could use more of it in our lives.

    So, to recap, relax and don’t be so hard on yourself. Where you are is where you’re meant to be and until you find the motivation to change, flow with what is. Secondly, accept who you are and where you are in this moment and do whatever it takes to love that person. And last but not least, find strength in others, find courage in all that’s around you. If you work towards bettering yourself, one day people will look to you for strength. Become the person you need right now.

    here’s my blog if you want further help. Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com

    Goodluck!

    December 21, 2014 at 7:40 pm #69621
    Nida
    Participant

    Dear Kyniska,

    Accept your mistakes and accept that losses might have been made. Most importantly believe that you don’t need to commit mistakes to know what makes you happy, and that you don’t need mistakes to define who you are. Believe that there will be a time where you will take heed before you commit anything, and you will be able to make the right choice.

    Say it out loud till you can say it like you mean it and believe it:

    I don’t need to make mistakes.
    I would like to know what makes me happy.
    I would like to choose happiness.

    You don’t need to look objectively at yourself, that causes anxiety. Stop the observing and the judgments will soon stop. Then allow yourself to feel for things that actually make you feel good. Not what others tell you is good for you, or is right, or is best.

    Take your time making decisions. Since you have being doing things against yourself, there is something in you that has lost trust on your own self. So recognize truth.

    Say it out loud …

    I would like to believe in truth.
    I would like to trust myself.
    I believe I can trust myself.

    May relief come your way.

    P.S You don’t have to say them with the I. For example, “Believe in trusting myself” “Can know what makes me happy” “Believe in not making mistakes”

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Nida.
    December 21, 2014 at 7:49 pm #69627
    Nida
    Participant

    *”Believe in not needing to make mistakes”

    It won’t let me edit. ^_^;

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