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Is there anyone out there that never wants to get married?

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  • August 20, 2014 at 9:08 am #63707
    apothic
    Participant

    The Relationship section may not be the right place for this question, but I’d like to hear from others if you’re out there. I’m curious if there is anyone on here that has decided that they never want to get married. If so, why? I have been married before when I was younger but have been divorced for over 10 years. I currently have a long term boyfriend but I’m just not sure if I want to get married again. We’ve discussed marriage but he hasn’t proposed and I don’t know that he will. Some days I think I want to, some days I don’t and I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of each.

    What was your deciding factor if you decided to stay unmarried (with or without a boyfriend)? Are you in a happy relationship knowing it isn’t going to advance to engagement or marriage? Do you worry about your retirement/savings/etc as a “single” (non married) person? Is this just a coping mechanism because I’m not sure if he ever WILL propose so I’m taking myself into not wanting it? So confused….

    Thanks for any input you have!

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by apothic.
    August 20, 2014 at 11:29 am #63715
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Apothic,

    I share similar views, although I just got divorced a year ago. As I listen in to friends and family to change my mind for better, I’m noticing positive changes in my mindset towards marriage. Conclusion for me still remains – if the person loves to be with me, he will be with me no matter what, don’t need a stamp and chain of ‘marriage’. Partly, I have ceased to believe in this institution, too many divorces around! including mine!

    On pratical side, there are too much hassles (court proceedings) just to end a painful thing which both can do away with easily but one or the other person chooses to drag it to make it difficult and hurt!

    I’m single and often get thoughts of retirement worries, what if I die alone? what if I don’t have anyone around to take care of me? But why ponder over something we haven’t seen; the future! Live in the present, take good care of yourself each day, be happy, spread happiness around…and enjoy the moment!

    And believe me, slowly I’m discovering around me who literally feel ‘trapped’ in marriage (no offenses to anyone).

    I do feel the lack of having someone to love me and take care of me, but let’s see who woos me..hehehe..:-)

    Stay blessed!!! Feel free to share more such ques…I know how heavy these make us feel!…loads of love!!!

    August 20, 2014 at 1:45 pm #63720
    apothic
    Participant

    Thanks for the response!

    I was like that for a long time after getting divorced. I married young, was divorced relatively young, and then didn’t want anything beyond dating with anyone for the last 10 years. I only recently (in the last year or so) started thinking about it again but don’t want to go through the hassle of a divorce, etc. if things were to fall apart. It’s sad really…how a bad experience can make you lose trust in something that could be awesome with the right person. You hit the nail on the head – I don’t want to feel trapped. I love my BF and don’t want to be with anyone else, but somehow the thought of being able to walk away if I need to is comforting. At the same time, potentially being alone is scary. It’s ridiculous though…I have these doubts about getting married and yet still feel rejection over the fact that he hasn’t asked. What the heck?? LOL

    August 21, 2014 at 2:45 am #63746
    Will
    Participant

    Is there a reason why you can’t propose a marriage to him?

    Anyway, yes, I don’t want to get married. I have done relatively well for myself financially through living simply. I can’t foresee all eventualities but marriage would probably be a financial risk rather than a boon for me.

    I don’t want children, and divorce is too painful and complicated to warrant the risk. What do I gain by being married? Not enough for it to be worth it. I will stay with my partner, and he will stay with me for as long as the staying is good. And if things change so that we don’t want to be together anymore, I want us to be free to leave.

    Marriage is not a guarantee that you won’t be alone, as you have seen already. Husbands can die or leave you (or act in such a way that you want to leave them) just as easily as boyfriends can.

    What is it that appeals to you about marriage? Why are you considering it now?

    August 21, 2014 at 9:26 am #63758
    Kelly
    Participant

    To echo Will, I am comfortable financially and have high standards in terms of whom I would consider to be “marriage material” from a financial point of view. It’s not that he would need to be wealthy, but I would not be comfortable tying myself to someone with unreasonable amounts of debt, low/non-existent retirement savings, or otherwise financially irresponsible. I’ve seen my dad divorce three times and take a major financial hit each time (hey, half of half of half is still something, lol). I have not decided I never want to get married, but I am comfortable with the idea that I may never find someone who “fits” and that’s ok.

    I also do not want kids, so that motivator is not present for me.

    I love the romance and commitment aspects of marriage, having a life-long partner to share in everything together, but it is not a requirement for my happiness.

    Apothic, to be frank, based on your other posts it does seem like you’re trying to make yourself feel “ok” with the idea of not being married, despite your underlying desires. It really doesn’t matter what Anyone, Will, I, or any others in the TB community feel about marriage. What do YOU want? Sure, it’s nice to hear different perspectives, but don’t settle for a dating relationship if what you want is to be married.

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