Forum Replies Created
January 20, 2015 at 11:24 am #71676
Thank you for your comments Maggie and sorry for the delay. I’ve been thinking about your comments for the last few days and finally have some time to write back.
I started this post over a month ago and nothing has changed. The New Year came and went and our status did not change. The deadline meant nothing, especially since I didn’t move out (nowhere to go and I’m traveling for work.) He told me we’ll probably get engaged in January. And then last night he says probably not because he still isn’t sure. WTH? I asked him to stop playing these mind games with me every single month but he says he’s doing nothing wrong. He isn’t going to propose until he feels it is right. I agree that it SHOULD feel right…I just don’t think it takes 7 months after you buy a ring to figure that out. I’m turning 38 years old in March. I really don’t have time to mess around anymore. It’ll also be a year in March when I first tried to break up with him because this wasn’t going anywhere. A year later, an expensive ring later, and nothing has changed except for I was dumb and moved in with him.
Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to call his bluff and leave. He owns the house. I have been searching and searching for a decent place that I can afford but rent has just skyrocketed lately. Even if I could muster up the strength to walk away from a man I thought I was going to marry, I can’t find anything that isn’t a rat hole to live in. This is the reason I’ve stayed as long as I have. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I would have gotten a spine, packed up, and said to hell with you, I’m out of here. One thing I DID do though is stop paying him rent. If he can back out of the agreement, so can I. He’s not going to pad his savings account while I go through hell and back.
Withholding sex also won’t work because I wouldn’t say he’s a normal guy in that aspect. I’m the one who always has to ask for it. And I have to ask him to hold my hand, kiss me, hug me, etc. He stopped showing any affection towards me once I moved in because he said he sees me everyday so he doesn’t feel the need to show affection every day. Again, WTH?
I asked him last night to show me one good gesture…tell me one reason why I should stay with him. He couldn’t come up with anything. Even in writing this, I’m aware of how pathetic I am and how, smart as I think I am, I’ve become “that” girl. The girl I swore I would never become. It’s just not a fun feeling being knocked backwards on your a$$ and taking a huge step backwards at my age. Bathrobe, curlers and 8 cats…here I come…(well, once I find a place to live anyway!)December 18, 2014 at 1:05 pm #69461
It’s like you can read my mind, Katie 🙂December 18, 2014 at 8:06 am #69445
Your words are very inspiring, thank you. I need to hear those things sometimes. I do know what I need to do, it’s just an incredibly hard step to knowingly enter back into being single. I haven’t been single for very long stints, but when I have, they were some of the loneliness, saddest times of my life. I love the Dr. Phil saying though…how very true! Wasted time is wasted time, but the sooner I get out, the less time is wasted!
Have an awesome day!December 15, 2014 at 7:01 am #69275
Thanks for the response, bayyyy. You are right. I shouldn’t need his validation. I already know he doesn’t care anyway. He has chosen to break up with me rather than get engaged. I guess the decision was made for me and he showed zero emotion over the break up. It’s tough to swallow, but that says a lot if someone holds all the power because they honestly don’t care if it works or not. Not only do I have to go through a breakup, I also have to pack up and entire household, find a new place to live that I can actually afford (proving to be near impossible) and somehow adjust to the fact that I missed my last chance for a family. You sound very strong…I wish I had some of that.December 13, 2014 at 7:01 am #69189
Thank you for your response, Inky. I agree with you. Before moving in, I never left anything at his house either. Nothing. I’d come for the weekend and then go back home with everything I came with. I didn’t want to act like a wife if I wasn’t going to be one. Which is why a ring was ordered before I ever moved in. I trusted that I’d get it…he promised me it would happen sometime last summer. I would never ever have given up my townhome if I suspected I’d never get the ring. I don’t know why anyone would choose to keep a ring hidden in the house and be making large payments on it rather than having it on his girlfriend’s finger. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m girlfriend material only and am not good enough to be a wife.
I have no friends or family nearby that I can crash with. And I was “grandfathered” in at a lower rent at my last place so to move back out, it’ll cost me several hundred dollars more a month to get anything close to where I was. I think this is probably a very large reason I haven’t already left. I just can’t afford much now that I gave up my last place.
I have thought about that…like what would he actually do if I DID start packing up to leave. But I think deep down that’s what he’s hoping I’ll do. He’s extremely passive aggressive…he won’t tell me to get out, he just doesn’t seem like he cares if we were to break up. When asked, he sees nothing wrong with what he’s done (or not done) over the last six months. It’s just so extremely frustrating to want something that is out of your control.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to rewind the clock and make different choices this time. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20.!!!September 25, 2014 at 1:21 pm #65584
I feel your pain. Really. I’ve been there several times in my life. I’ve been so low after a couple breakups that I discovered rock bottom actually has a basement. And I believe that it had a lot to do with the lack of a support system. I didn’t really have much family or friends to talk it out with so I kept it to myself. But you know what? I told myself each and every time that I’ve been through this before and I’ve survived it 100% of the time. And when I was ready, I got back out there and met a new person. Each time I developed a new relationship (granted, I had to kiss a lot of frogs first), it made me ask myself “I’m so happy to have met this person. Why was I so depressed after losing Guy A? I never would have met Guy B if the road hadn’t taken me here! Yes, it’s ironic that the relationships ended with Guy B, Guy C, Guy D and so forth also, but my point is that I came out of complete devastation each and every time. Looking back, I remember the extreme pain and depression I was in, remember thinking that I’ll never get over it, no one can help me, but I’m sitting here today in complete contentment with my life. I’m not mourning the loss of one single relationship.
I would not say I’m in the healthiest of relationships right now and have a lot of heavy thinking to do moving forward. However, I’m still grateful for where I am today, what I’ve gone through, and consider my life way better off having “unanswered prayers” for what I thought I wanted at the time. You may not feel like going out, showering, eating, moving on, working out, etc. right now….but each day you’ll get stronger and stronger. And I know it’s really hard to believe that. But as a responder above noted, don’t ask “why me?”. Take comfort in the fact that probably everyone on the planet would have to ask themselves that at some point because I know very few adults that have never had their heart broken. It isn’t just you. It’s millions and millions of people experiencing similar pain. Maybe we can all chant “why us?”
Hang in there. Make any small step that you can. If time doesn’t heal all wounds, I believe it will at least reduce to a dull occasional throbbing, worst case. Best case, you’ll come out of this and soar!
Good luck to you.September 2, 2014 at 8:34 am #64243
Sorry to hear you’re going through this too. It is hard moving into someone else’s space sometimes while still keeping the same independence you had while living alone, isn’t it? At least you have your yoga. I don’t do yoga, but I do have other interests. I used to mountain bike a lot and when I met my BF, he also got into it. So now it isn’t “my” thing anymore. He wants me to wait until he gets home from work to go so that he can go with. Same thing with the gym. He’d rather me wait for him and go later. I am trying to be proactive and call up old friends I haven’t seen in awhile to line things up in order to stay busy, but when I mention that to him, he isn’t happy with me filling my schedule with old/new friends unless he can go too. So, I don’t really have my own life except at work or if I go to bed earlier than him to read. All holidays are spent with his family, not mine. It’s “his” house, not “mine”. And he bought a ring to give me in June and still hasn’t given it to me and recently told me again he doesn’t plan on doing it soon (which as explained in a previous post above, our agreement was that if I moved in, an engagement would happen soon after). So, in a nutshell, although he is a nice guy to everyone he meets, he’s more controlling regarding my life and where it’s going than he thinks he is. In my case, I have determined that the healthy thing to do is not just to find something of my own to keep me busy, but to take back my entire life, end the relationship and move out. I haven’t done this yet, but decided yesterday that I’m going to get a realtor and start looking for my own place. This is a dead-end, unhealthy relationship.I cry more than I’m happy and I don’t like someone controlling where my life is going. I hope you aren’t in a similar situation in that way and you find a happy balance with your BF. It just didn’t work for me.
Good luck Lizzie!August 20, 2014 at 1:45 pm #63720
Thanks for the response!
I was like that for a long time after getting divorced. I married young, was divorced relatively young, and then didn’t want anything beyond dating with anyone for the last 10 years. I only recently (in the last year or so) started thinking about it again but don’t want to go through the hassle of a divorce, etc. if things were to fall apart. It’s sad really…how a bad experience can make you lose trust in something that could be awesome with the right person. You hit the nail on the head – I don’t want to feel trapped. I love my BF and don’t want to be with anyone else, but somehow the thought of being able to walk away if I need to is comforting. At the same time, potentially being alone is scary. It’s ridiculous though…I have these doubts about getting married and yet still feel rejection over the fact that he hasn’t asked. What the heck?? LOLAugust 15, 2014 at 10:25 am #63455
Thanks again, Kelly. Good article!August 15, 2014 at 8:53 am #63445
Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it. Even a stranger’s two cents is better than going around and around with all this in my head alone.
You are right…20 miles isn’t that far to drive. Although I did do more happy hours before, it’s because I knew more people that lived in the area or worked near the area. My work and home now are in the complete opposite direction of where I used to live. Although 20 miles isn’t a lot, keep in mind that I live in a very large city and in rush hour, this can mean another hour+ to get over there. Again, not an excuse. The last minute “hey, let’s get together” calls have diminished a lot over the last year. It isn’t just me being excluded…the others don’t really get together either. Life has taken over for them too, I suppose, which is why I’m trying to rebuild my circle of friends. I choose not to take it personally – that’ll just bring me down more! I’m so desperate right now for my own life that I even posted on Craigslist to try to start up a social group. Shy or not, I AM trying…it’s just tough.
I agree. I don’t want to resort to manipulation or games. I feel that if you’re meant to be with someone, you can easily spend time with them or apart from them without being consumed with anxiety. I don’t know if it’s an issue I’m going through (likely option) or if he just isn’t the one for me. He’s a great guy so I don’t want to act hastily if it’s just an anxiety or depression issue I’m going through. I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest every morning so something isn’t right.
One other issue I’m struggling with is the fact that I thought I wanted to get married, we were planning on it, but he keeps postponing an engagement (he has the ring). I don’t want to hang on to something that is going nowhere. I think that is where so much of my anxiety comes from. I turned into a live-in girlfriend, which I told him I didn’t want to do. The engagement was supposed to come immediately upon me moving in, which was the agreement we made to get me to make the move. He just hasn’t lived up to his end of the bargain. It didn’t come immediately and he has no plans for it in the near future (his words). In no way do I want to do the ultimatum thing…but it is causing me a lot of grief thinking that I gave up so much just for him to back out and I feel like I was tricked into moving in. I can’t talk to him about it- he shuts down but claims he wants me in his future. Exactly what every guy wants…the cow without buying the milk. What a mess. Now I Google articles on “why women choose not to marry” just to pacify myself in this situation.
Even more reason why I need to break the dependency pattern. Thanks again for your help!August 15, 2014 at 7:18 am #63432
Mermaid…you just described my life and relationship perfectly. I completely understand the feeling. I just moved in with my boyfriend two months ago and I have this heavy, almost depressed, feeling every single morning I wake up. I can’t exactly put my finger on why, but I hate it. I’ve struggled with the decision too. Is it just the fact that I gave up my home and moved into his territory (and all my belongings are in boxes) or am I with the wrong guy? One previous post noted that infatuation doesn’t last. I agree with that, but disagree that it should feel like I’ve been married 20 years immediately upon moving in with him. I’ve lived with other guys and this is NOT how it felt. I too analyze my relationship to death. I research things constantly and feel that it’s slowly driving me insane. (And here I am writing about it! LOL)
Being alone is no easy task either. I’m not sure if the pain and heaviness I feel now is worse or better than going through a break up, moving out, and starting over. If you find a solution, I’d love to hear about it! I wish you luck with your decision…it’s a tough one.August 15, 2014 at 7:06 am #63431
Thank you Tiny Ng for the great reply. Yes, I tell myself every day to just go “do my own thing” and not worry about if I’m there when he gets home or not. It’s just finding something to do that’s tough. I really should use that time to join an exercise class, yes. Why not work on my body instead of wasting away!!
Deep down I think we’ve just lost connection with each other and that’s why I’ve become like I am. I feel like if I’m there, we’ll reconnect…if I go have my own life, he’ll enjoy that a little too much and we’ll grow further apart. Everything I’ve read says that pulling away and being independent actually brings the guy closer. Perhaps that’s true for others, but my bf has never been that way. He’s never come to me asking for more time/attention, even when we lived alone and would go a couple weeks without seeing each other. I never felt missed by him.
Since I don’t recognize who I am anymore, feel like I’m not connected at all to my bf, maybe the question to ask isn’t “what should I do with my time” but instead “is this really the right guy for me?” Hard call when I’m 37 and there isn’t a buffet of guys to choose from anymore. So much to think about but it’s comforting to know others go through the same thing. And it helps to just write on here, if nothing else!