Home→Forums→Relationships→Need the Strength to Get Out and Move On
- This topic has 13 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Maggie Black.
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December 12, 2014 at 1:18 pm #69174apothicParticipant
Have any of you out there ever had to find the strength to leave a relationship that was going nowhere? I’ve been with my bf for 2.5 years and at the 2 year mark, we decided to move in together…with the mutual agreement that we’d get engaged at the same time. Well, I gave up my townhouse, moved into his house, he ordered the ring and six months later….nothing. I specifically didn’t want to move in without being engaged because he has a history of living with girls for long periods of time and never marrying them. I didn’t want to be one of them. Plus, we’re in our upper 30s and I was still hoping to have a family someday. I’m not 25 with years to play the waiting game. I feel tricked into moving in. When I ask him about it, he keeps saying that it’s not the right time.
I kept pushing my deadline back month after month after month. But I told myself that I had to decide at the end of the year if I was going to hang around and wait to move forward anymore. (He knows this.) I know he isn’t planning a proposal over the holidays because he basically told me that last night. He also knows that I’m very concerned about never having a family. I guess my gut tells me that he’s just waiting for me to finally get fed up and move back out, although he’d deny that. When one knows he may lose you and doesn’t do anything about it, he can’t really care that much, right?
So, I’m confused. I’m in the busiest time of year at my job, am working and traveling a lot, and it’s the worst possible time for me to try to go out and find a place to move to (and that I can actually afford.) And yet if I stay, he’ll know that I’m bluffing and he never has to do anything. I want to be married, I still want a family, but in no way do I want him feeling forced into it. I always used to pity girls who gave ultimatums…why on earth would they do that? And yet, I’ve become that. Not to force him to marry me…more so to force him to admit if he DOESN’T want to marry me so that I can close this chapter and move on.
Has anyone ever decided to pack up and leave in a situation like this? Or did you just stick it out and live life his way and give up on your dreams?
December 13, 2014 at 6:14 am #69187InkyParticipantHappy Holidays Somehow,
This is why I never moved in with anyone. I wouldn’t even leave a toothbrush at their place, know what I mean? It did seem to make them very nervous, me being able to leave at any time with no drama. As simply as driving away! LOL
Also, if there’s no engagement by the second year you have to move on if you have any hope of having a natural/biological family.
It’s not an ultimatum. Just tell him, “It’s not working.” No begging, pleading, long talks, explanation, ultimatum. He knows. He already knows.
Simply put all your stuff in storage and crash at a friend or relative’s place for a few weeks. People love to play rescuer and help during a crisis.
And who knows? An empty house, the wonder of what you could possibly be doing, and you breaking up first might propel him to propose this holiday ~ once he figures out where you’re staying!
Hang in There, be Strong,
Inky
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Inky.
December 13, 2014 at 7:01 am #69189apothicParticipantThank you for your response, Inky. I agree with you. Before moving in, I never left anything at his house either. Nothing. I’d come for the weekend and then go back home with everything I came with. I didn’t want to act like a wife if I wasn’t going to be one. Which is why a ring was ordered before I ever moved in. I trusted that I’d get it…he promised me it would happen sometime last summer. I would never ever have given up my townhome if I suspected I’d never get the ring. I don’t know why anyone would choose to keep a ring hidden in the house and be making large payments on it rather than having it on his girlfriend’s finger. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m girlfriend material only and am not good enough to be a wife.
I have no friends or family nearby that I can crash with. And I was “grandfathered” in at a lower rent at my last place so to move back out, it’ll cost me several hundred dollars more a month to get anything close to where I was. I think this is probably a very large reason I haven’t already left. I just can’t afford much now that I gave up my last place.
I have thought about that…like what would he actually do if I DID start packing up to leave. But I think deep down that’s what he’s hoping I’ll do. He’s extremely passive aggressive…he won’t tell me to get out, he just doesn’t seem like he cares if we were to break up. When asked, he sees nothing wrong with what he’s done (or not done) over the last six months. It’s just so extremely frustrating to want something that is out of your control.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to rewind the clock and make different choices this time. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20.!!!
December 14, 2014 at 3:36 am #69218holsParticipantWhy would you even want to stay with and create a life with this man? Why do you need his validation that he doesn’t care? Staying with this sort if person will cause a lifetime of pain. I know from my own experience. Please find a way to leave. Don’t accept a ring that will remind you of this frustrating period of limbo. And don’t move in until the ring is ON your finger.
December 15, 2014 at 7:01 am #69275apothicParticipantThanks for the response, bayyyy. You are right. I shouldn’t need his validation. I already know he doesn’t care anyway. He has chosen to break up with me rather than get engaged. I guess the decision was made for me and he showed zero emotion over the break up. It’s tough to swallow, but that says a lot if someone holds all the power because they honestly don’t care if it works or not. Not only do I have to go through a breakup, I also have to pack up and entire household, find a new place to live that I can actually afford (proving to be near impossible) and somehow adjust to the fact that I missed my last chance for a family. You sound very strong…I wish I had some of that.
December 17, 2014 at 7:37 am #69396KatieParticipantHoney, you ARE strong. You are on here asking for support because you know this is not what you want. The decision you are faced with is not an easy one for sure!! The reasons you’ve given for struggling with it are all very valid.
I think you just need to take it one step at a time. Right now is not the time to think about whether or not you will have your idea of family. You cannot predict that anyway, so stop. Even if you stay, who knows how much longer you both could spend doing this same old thing. As Dr. Phil always says (sorry if you’re not a fan, but he’s got some good one-liners) “the only thing worse than being in a bad [or just wrong] relationship for 3 years is being in it for 3 years and one day.” You know? Makes a lot of sense. I think right now you just need to check out places to live that are in your budget. Sure, you may not find something equal to what you had before, but it will be YOURS and you will not be waiting for someone else to decide where your life is going. Just because HE is not jumping at the thought of getting married doesn’t mean that YOU are not good enough!! His feelings say absolutely NOTHING about the person you are and your worth.December 18, 2014 at 8:06 am #69445apothicParticipantKatie…
Your words are very inspiring, thank you. I need to hear those things sometimes. I do know what I need to do, it’s just an incredibly hard step to knowingly enter back into being single. I haven’t been single for very long stints, but when I have, they were some of the loneliness, saddest times of my life. I love the Dr. Phil saying though…how very true! Wasted time is wasted time, but the sooner I get out, the less time is wasted!
Have an awesome day!
December 18, 2014 at 9:27 am #69447KatieParticipantThanks apothic!
I understand your hesitation to be single – I’m finding myself truly solidly single for the first time in 10 years and it’s a struggle every day not to look for dating prospects lol. BUT I know I need to give myself some time to feel good being alone, so that the next time I am in a relationship, I will not be so scared of it ending and can just enjoy it, rather than try to force it. Does that make sense? I think you deserve someone who you don’t have to doubt or wonder how he feels about you.
YOU have an awesome day as well! 🙂December 18, 2014 at 1:05 pm #69461apothicParticipantIt’s like you can read my mind, Katie 🙂
January 18, 2015 at 12:22 am #71510johndoe1Participantso i’m in a similar situation but on the opposite side of the glass.
I’m 30 years old live in Manhattan with my gf who i have been dating on and off since college for about 10 years now.
Following a break up of 9 months after another 2 years of dating, we decided to moved back in with each other on (11/27/14) with the intention this time to determine if we can build our lives together: get married and have a family.Still after a couple months I’m not sure we’ve made progress and I can’t figure out if i want to marry her and be with her forever.
My eyes wander and I need advice. PLEASE HELP.
When I think about committing to her, I tend to focus more on our differences; what i’m giving up vs. what i’m gaining. People have said to me the grass is always greener on the otherside and I understand that yet it still doesn’t help me understand my feelings. A large part of me says you’re too young to “settle” even though I KNOW this is a GREAT GIRL and if i don’t propose to her in the next 6 months, I will loose her forever. There will be no more breakup/makeups after this (we’ve been through this too many times) and I fear i will be throwing someone really special away for the unknown because I am stupid/immature, etc.
I can see myself having fun going out in the city being selfish without it really interfering with my life goals… I say to myself, we’re living longer now, in five years I’ll be 35, more mature, wealthier, I don’t have a biological clock ticking…what’s the hurry? 35 for guys is still young and i’ll be older and there will still be many women… With this perspective then, maybe she ISN’T the right girl for me if i’m thinking this way. If i want to do these things and am not willing to give them up for her what does that say. Or maybe its just shortsided, immature and stupid like i said above.
What are the pro/cons of Settling down now/later. Giving up something great for the unknown – especially when you have something good though you’re unsure if you want to call it quits just now….
Another point with perhaps more susbtance is: without the “need to settle” maybe there is a more “right” girl for me in the future… with same religion/culture/socio-economic status…with less complications, more similarities, and perhaps allows for deeper connections. Its always been sad for me to think about not sharing holidays with her family (i’m a pretty spiritual jew) and its especially lonely when she doesn’t make these important religious things to me a priority. I question, Maybe I should just wait and find someone more like me to build a family around as I’m young and have time? She is making an effort to do an orthodox convertion yet i’m not sure how genuine that is. I question her level of committment and if that will endure through the years. With this being the #1 most important thing to me, i will be really dependent on her to transmit the traditions, which are not first nature, this to the children. Also, on a more superficial note i don’t really relate to her friends and family because they aren’t of the same culture and socio-economic background. It’s shallow yet its hard to find commonality and interest. Maybe I’m shallow but I need someone more like where i come from?
On the positive side, We’ve been together for 10 years now. She knows me best. SHE IS A GREAT GIRL – SAINT status. Beautiful. Caring, geniune, smart. a real catch. A big part of me feels a responsibility and loyalty to marry her because of how much effort and time she’s invested in me over the past 10 years. I’ve put her through so much and she has supported and stayed by me for all these times and the idea of not being with her or maybe never finding anyone as great as her is depressing. I don’t want her to feel like she waisted her time and crush her. She loves me so much despite the pain, selfishness, and anxiety i cause her. Though all the scars from the past I think have taken a toll on her and its hard to determine if that is only effecting our relationship now (with our state of ambiguity or if that will last later into the relationship). I question also if then maybe its better to just start FRESH with someone else now that i’ve grown/matured significantly in the past 10 years. Yet i’m not 100% sure how committed I am to our relationship and to her as a future partner and that’s not fair to her!
All her friends are married and despite being one of the best girls of the bunch – she’s the only one not married and i worry about her starting over after a ten year relationship . I care about her and I want to provide her with a great life. Is 30 an old maid in nyc? I wouldn’t want to do that to her.
So in summary. Its complex and I am confused. Evidently I am not ready to propose this minute and i’m trying to figure out if I should cut the rope and put this wondeful girl out of her misery & let her move on, or how do I get my act together, somehow get myself into a state of mind where I can propose and be excited about our future… and how do I do this?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this… sorry its not better written.
Please let me know if you need more information so i can give you a better picture.Thanks in advance for your help.
January 18, 2015 at 4:07 am #71520Maggie BlackParticipantI had to put my 2 cents worth in.
Even though others have said it too.You said he has a history of this behavior.
We just have to start smacking ourselves on the head when we fail to remember that past behavior usually predicts future behavior.You know… think of the nerve it takes for a man to promise something like this, then gets you to move in, and then just changes everything he said.
You are being asked to make all of the sacrifices. He has no bio. clock and he is getting the cake and the icing without so much as a commitment.
I would pack my things so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him!!
Leave him eating my dust wondering what the h— happened!
I wish you well.
January 18, 2015 at 4:14 am #71521Maggie BlackParticipantI just saw in another follow up post about your financial situation. Maybe you should call his bluff and just anchor down harder, letting him know that he made you a promise and this is breach of contract. (verbal).
Talk to an attorney.
Call his bluff and let him be the one to leave.
If you are there and he doesn’t want you it will put a cramp in his style and he will eventually have to leave to get what he wants.
You could live there until you figure out what to do financially.
Move into another bedroom and don’t have sex with him so he gets the “full picture of what you are doing.
Do not make any kind of payments.
Let him completely support you and you save your money during this time.
I know it is the opposite of what you want but sometime we have to stand up for ourselves and love ourselves enough to do the right thing by our self.He needs a lesson in humility. I hope you are the woman to give it to him!!
January 20, 2015 at 11:24 am #71676apothicParticipantThank you for your comments Maggie and sorry for the delay. I’ve been thinking about your comments for the last few days and finally have some time to write back.
I started this post over a month ago and nothing has changed. The New Year came and went and our status did not change. The deadline meant nothing, especially since I didn’t move out (nowhere to go and I’m traveling for work.) He told me we’ll probably get engaged in January. And then last night he says probably not because he still isn’t sure. WTH? I asked him to stop playing these mind games with me every single month but he says he’s doing nothing wrong. He isn’t going to propose until he feels it is right. I agree that it SHOULD feel right…I just don’t think it takes 7 months after you buy a ring to figure that out. I’m turning 38 years old in March. I really don’t have time to mess around anymore. It’ll also be a year in March when I first tried to break up with him because this wasn’t going anywhere. A year later, an expensive ring later, and nothing has changed except for I was dumb and moved in with him.
Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to call his bluff and leave. He owns the house. I have been searching and searching for a decent place that I can afford but rent has just skyrocketed lately. Even if I could muster up the strength to walk away from a man I thought I was going to marry, I can’t find anything that isn’t a rat hole to live in. This is the reason I’ve stayed as long as I have. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I would have gotten a spine, packed up, and said to hell with you, I’m out of here. One thing I DID do though is stop paying him rent. If he can back out of the agreement, so can I. He’s not going to pad his savings account while I go through hell and back.
Withholding sex also won’t work because I wouldn’t say he’s a normal guy in that aspect. I’m the one who always has to ask for it. And I have to ask him to hold my hand, kiss me, hug me, etc. He stopped showing any affection towards me once I moved in because he said he sees me everyday so he doesn’t feel the need to show affection every day. Again, WTH?
I asked him last night to show me one good gesture…tell me one reason why I should stay with him. He couldn’t come up with anything. Even in writing this, I’m aware of how pathetic I am and how, smart as I think I am, I’ve become “that” girl. The girl I swore I would never become. It’s just not a fun feeling being knocked backwards on your a$$ and taking a huge step backwards at my age. Bathrobe, curlers and 8 cats…here I come…(well, once I find a place to live anyway!)
January 23, 2015 at 4:37 pm #71838Maggie BlackParticipantYeah…. I would just stay there since you have no place to go.
I am so sorry you are going through this. -
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