Hi apothic,

I felt exactly the same way as you are feeling right now in my previous relationship. I came straight home after school, work, whatever things outside. Whenever I went out, it was either by myself or with him. We only had one car at that time so anywhere I went, he would have to take me and pick me up. I felt completely dependent. Well, here are a couple of things that I did and hopefully you can find some things that you can do

1. Sign up for a yoga/dance/zumba course. As you said in your post, you come straight home from work and wait for him to come home. Don’t wait anymore. Go to one of those classes and you will be surprised at how much you enjoy them. It is a way to relax and to make more friends also. You might be able to find some new friends who share the same hobbies as yours.

2. Be the leader. So instead of letting him plan activities to do, you should take the lead. Plan for a movie night, a trip to the ocean or the mountains (if you live close to one), a visit to a winery, a picnic, tickets to sport events, etc. Just find out what your boyfriend likes and make sure that he will be available whenever your plan is. You two live together so I am sure that you know his schedule. This whole being the lead thing involves both of you, in a way that is fun, exciting and unique.

3. Enjoy spending time with yourself. I am not saying “by yourself” but “with yourself”. There is something that I have realized over the years is that at the end of the day, no one is there for you but yourself. Go get yourself some ice cream, frozen yogurt, have a nice, relaxing bath, put on a facial beauty mask, turn on your favorite music, make yourself a cup of tea, read, write, start a blog, anything that you enjoy. You will still be home while doing these things but you show him that you enjoy doing these things yourself. When he comes home, just let him do whatever he wants. Let’s say if he wants to watch TV, let him watch TV, you can sit down and watch for a bit but then you leave and do the things you want. He might not notice at first but he will. He might even join you one day.

4. Spend some time away. You said your sister lives across the country, book a plane ticket and fly there to visit her.

5. Discuss with him the way you want to redecorate your house. Buy new furniture, new paintings, set up flowers, change the lights.

6. Communicate with him. It sounds so cliche but communication is a must in relationships if you want it to last. You can’t just go to sleep at night with all these thoughts in your head. They will affect your actions some day. Talk to him about what you are feeling. He might be able to suggest you something.

I hope these ideas can help you somehow or inspire you in doing something new. It is good that you realize that you have become dependent on your boyfriend. Now you just need to work it out. Independence is attractive like you said, don’t lose it!

Good luck 🙂

Hi apothic. I’m curious if something has happened with your friendships in the last few months. One of the things you loved about your townhouse was “running out with friends for happy hour”. I don’t know where you live, but I wouldn’t think 20 miles is too far to drive to meet up with those same friends for happy hour in that “hopping town”, especially if that’s in the same town you work. Maybe that is unrealistic for your situation, but it was just a thought.

This type of thinking: “Everything I’ve read says that pulling away and being independent actually brings the guy closer” borders on manipulation/games, imo. I’m leery of any such tactics to try to make someone feel a certain way. I know you’ve dismissed the idea as quickly as you brought it up, which I think is wise.

I’ve only gotten a small glimpse into your life/relationship based on your post here, but quite honestly it sounds like you preferred your more independent life. It could be that this guy just doesn’t do it for you. Dating is a process to find out if you are compatible and want to spend your life with this other person (by my definition, anyway). There’s nothing wrong with discovering this man might not be it. Just be careful not to “settle” due to your age (I am 35 and single myself – my mother did not marry my stepdad until she was 40 and one of my good friends got married for the first time at 42. Age is just a number!). I think one thing you may want to consider is if you’re perhaps falling into a bit of a funk that has nothing to do with your boyfriend or your new living situation. You are not a “pathetic woman”. Being shy is not a character flaw. Perhaps some self esteem work is in order. From my experience, when either I or my former partner was depressed, there was naturally a distance between us. Once my ex came out of his “dark place”, things got back on track with us. It would have been a shame to throw away the relationship while he worked through some emotional challenges.

Just a stranger’s two cents 🙂

Hi again, Apothic. I considered while posting that 20 miles in your neck of the woods might be quite different from 20 miles for me where it’s a quick jump onto the interstate and I’m there within a half hour. In any case, I understand how it is when friends’ lives move in different directions. It’s hard to keep up the social connections when there are other areas of focus. As much as my friends make an effort to keep our friendships nurtured, I know that often the place they want to be is at home with their partner. Which is understandable, but makes it tough for me as one of the only single people in my social circle. So, I completely relate, and I think it’s great you’re putting yourself out there trying out the Craigslist thing. You never know what kind of friend(s) you will make if you don’t try, and you’re surely trying.

I can definitely see why you’re struggling with the question of engagement. I’m sure he has his reasons, but it seems pretty unfair for the two of you to have made an agreement to get engaged upon your moving in, and then to have him delay it indefinitely without a reasonable explanation. Perhaps someone here can advise on how to handle this. I understand your reluctance to issue an ultimatum, but he’s clearly backed out on something you had agreed upon and it seems only fair for you to have some answers so you can decide if you want to stay in this holding pattern and for how long.

This article came in my rss feed. I think it’s very good and may give you food for thought:
http://jennifertwardowski.com/2014/07/28/10-characteristics-vibrantly-healthy-relationship/

Hi I just wanted to reply to this as I’m in a very similar situation. My bf is 37 and im 27. I went straight from living with my mother to living with him in his house. I’ve felt for a long time that I just merged into his life. There’s nowhere really in the house I feel comfortable. ..he’s always playing computer games which are very loud so I can never hear the telly or read in peace. He teaches karate and I even started doing that. Even though I enjoy it I feel like it takes up a lot of my time and energy and at the moment I feel like I’ve lost who I am. Because I feel like this I ended up getting really clingy to him because he I felt like he was the only thing I had that was part of me. It was like I needed to see him in order to just feel comfortable. So maybe I know a bit about how you feel? I do agree with previous posts about getting something that is your own. I have a weekly yoga class which I look forward to and is just mine. We also have a spare room downstairs which we’re working on turning into my music/chill out room. So I can go in there and practice piano or do yoga in peace. Then we can come back together when I’ve had some ‘me’ time. It’s hard feeling Co dependent but what is working for me at the moment is making the step to get my own space in the house and getting my own hobbies. is here anywhere in the house that you can go to on your own and do your own thing? Other than that maybe getting a hobby will work and start giving you a sense of identity again. I found the hardest step was to start doing things on my own and then I remembered why I loved being on my own so much. I hope you work things out x

Hi, I’m happy for you. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing for you. You need have your own identity. Especially if you’ve made decisions about getting engaged and he’s suddenly going back on it. I think my boyfriend is similar. Controlling without realising it. I’m not sure how it will work out for us. He’s told me recently that he wants kids not much after he’s forty and I am pretty much going to have to agree to it or the relationship is over. There’s been a lot to it but that’s it in a nutshell. I don’t know how I can agree to something I that I don’t know that I want so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m really glad you’re reclaiming your life! I’m sure once you get back into your own space you’ll feel empowered and like your old self again! Good luck xx