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  • #110518
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Hi,
    It has dawned on me that I have no close friends. The only person I’m close with is my dear boyfriend. It’s really weird. I know how to keep a healthy, romantic relationship; but have trouble in maintaining long term female friendships. I attract needy women who need a therapist/healer (aka me) and opportunists who would love to go to a concert but suddenly cancel last minute if the concert is cancelled. I would make a solid, fun, trustworthy friend; yet somehow I’m stuck playing the therapist while (ex)friend parties or the event is cancelled and suddenly I’m left in the dust but know that if concert wasn’t cancelled those “errands” would go away. I dropped one of these relationships and the other is in the process. I know I deserve better, however, sadly I’ve lost some faith in humanity. I just want a couple actual girlfriends who have their quirks, but are ultimately trusting, kind, funny, intelligent people. My goal isn’t Sex and The City friendship status, but a little more along those lines than where I’m at now would be nice. Also, I snapped out of the “girl who only hangs out with her boyfriend” phase a couple years ago so I know it’s not that. I’m just a little scared that I’ll keep on attracting these types of women in my life and will never form some strong female bonds. Also, I just graduated college and am in the process of breaking into my career (journalism/writing.) I’m stressed out about that and feel I don’t have anyone else other than my bf who I can go to for support; so, I’m a little lonely at the moment. Anyways, has anyone else had a similar experience or can offer any advice? I would really appreciate the help!

    #110544
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    Good to read from you again! Congratulations for graduating college and being in the process of breaking into a journalism/ writing career!

    I have nothing to offer you regarding your female friends issue. Maybe someone else will. If you’d like to answer the following, it may lead me to some advice:
    1. Do you feel uncomfortable with assertive/ strong women as friends?
    2. Did you share with the female friends your problems/ challenges or did you just listen to their problems?
    3. How did it feel to be a “therapist”/ healer to these women?

    anita

    #110550

    Hi @ladybug2014,

    I can definitely relate! I’m in my late 30s and I too have gone through “friendship dry spells” several times in my life. Hopefully what I’m about to write proves helpful to you:

    I know this is cold comfort, but your situation is not unique. The post college years are tough when it comes to making (and keeping) social ties. You no longer have the benefit of school to introduce you to a fresh crop of new people every quarter/semester who you will have at the very least nominal things in common with (age, area of study, etc.) Plus everyone is being scattered to wind by relocating for jobs, getting married, starting a families, etc. Then there’s the added challenge of what you so perfectly described (and is sadly becoming an epidemic) of folks either unwilling/unable to adhere to the most basic manners and respectful behavior. People pay more attention to their smartphones then the person sitting across the table from them. They break plans with no thought of how it may affect their friend, often just because they couldn’t be bothered or found something more “exciting” to do. (Comedian Aziz Ansari brilliantly talks this in his stand up routines – he’s on Netflix if you want to check ’em out.)

    I just painted a bleak picture for you, but I promise you it gets better. Eventually you will meet like minded people either through work, your significant other, a hobby, activities, etc. These bonds will take longer to form, but they will be of stronger mettle. As long as you do the work of getting out of the house/apartment you will eventually cross paths with other women who are as hungry for a quality friend as you are. Another key is letting go of expectation – just like with romantic dating, if you do something with the intention of “I’m going to X so I can meet somebody” you’ll most likely exude this desperate energy that will repel people. Another positive thing about the post-college years (and it sounds like you’re already well on your way in this department) is you’ve dealt with enough flakes that you start to get really good about seeing “red flags” (like the neediness) in folks and know not to invest energy into that individual.

    So hang in there! All things have their season. I’ve probably gone through 4-5 sets of friends since leaving university. I’m grateful for the time I spent with all of them, but as we grew and changed as people it wouldn’t have been authentic/realistic to keep them in my life forever. Sometimes I miss them, and sometimes the parting was painful, but their departure made room for the current crop of remarkable ladies (and a few gentlemen) I have by my side today. I have them now because I was equal parts patient, lucky, AND I didn’t settle just because I was lonely.

    Best wishes to you my dear! I’ll be sending good vibes your way and truly hope you find some remarkable souls to share your life’s journey.

    #110554
    Ladybug
    Participant

    @anita Good to hear from you too! And thank you! I actually think I used to feel uncomfortable/intimidated by strong/assertive women. Now, as I’m becoming more assertive/strong, I’m attracted to these women. Perhaps that’s why I am in the process of exxing my old friends.
    I did share with my friends my problems. I made an effort to give information about me and what’s going on in my life so I know it wasn’t about them not knowing me.
    To be honest, it felt good to be the therapist/healer. I felt like I was impacting their lives and helping them. On the other hand, I started to feel crappy about it because I felt they were taking advantage of my listening skills and not hanging out with me because of who I am as a person. I soon realized I should be charging (haha), that there are qualified therapists out there for them and that, while I wanted to support my friends, I wanted to be their friend, not therapist. Oh wow, anita thank you for the thought-provoking questions…I have realized why these friends need to be exxed.

    #110555
    Ladybug
    Participant

    @miniaturebodhisattiva Thank you for the response! It’s nice knowing that other people have experienced this and that this will pass. Thanks for the advice of not reaking desperation. I will definitely take that and just use this time as an opportunitiy to pursue hobbies, have new experiences… Also, it makes sense people get new sets of friends as they mature and change. You’ve helped me realize these friendships did serve a purpose.

    #110558
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ladybug,

    This problem is SO common, it’s unbelievable.

    One advice I could give is hold the picture of who is good friend material loosely in your mind. It could be an older woman. It could be a guy. It could be a college kid. Neighbors are good places to start. They’ll introduce you to their circle if you ask. A good circle is all ages, married or single, and both sexes.

    Most of my friends are ten years older than me. I don’t know why. I just accept it. I also have a guy who is more like a girlfriend. He just accepts it LOL!

    Best,

    Inky

    #110582
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    You are welcome. Every relationship you have should be a Win-Win relationship. So it makes sense that once these friendships were not a Win for you, you felt frustrated, that you should charge them, so you get a Win out of it.

    anita

    #110595
    Anna
    Participant

    I’m reading through all of the responses here, and I’d like to offer a different perspective.
    Yes, to some extent, it can be difficult to maintain friendships. I’ve always had difficulty maintaining close relationships with females. But, it’s something I’ve taken on directly and gotten much better at. But, I definitely feel you.

    However, what I noticed from your post is your comment regarding the pattern of friendships and the pattern of the “type” of people you’re attracting as friends. My guess is that some part of you is attracting this type of person, and until you uncover what part of you that is, you may continue to attract those types. I’d suggest you start to look at your friendships, and maybe write out what you see, what you feel, the dynamic (as you’ve already mentioned above) and start to notice patterns. I typically use one of two methodologies…I’ll apply the reflection theory, trying to observe if there’s something I’m projecting onto them that I’m not able to recognize within myself. (You don’t see things as they are, you see things as you are.) Or, I’ll apply the universal law of attraction – and try to identify the patterns so I can figure out what part of me is attracting these kinds of people.

    Either method will likely take you down a road of insight. good luck!

    #110654
    Christy
    Participant

    Hi Ladybug,

    I see that you’ve received a lot of good responses here and I agree with everyone who says you’re not alone…this problem is so common and I’ve been experiencing the same thing for the last few years. I am in a wonderful, long-term relationship with my boyfriend and even though he’s thoughtful and understanding it just isn’t healthy to have only one person to go to! I totally understand where you’re coming from. Anna makes a good point, perhaps you should look inward to discover why you’re attracting a certain “type” of friend, but what if you journey inward and realize that it’s not you, it’s them? Perhaps the reason these kinds of friends are coming to you is because they’re not made up of “good friend material” and they bounce around from person to person and periodically land on you?

    If this is the case I have a different suggestion for you — look to “expat groups” or “new to the area groups” online for your community. People who have just relocated love to make friends with a local and I’ve met some really amazing people this way. Try searching on Facebook, Meetup, or NomadList — or even think outside of the box and rent out a spare room on Airbnb. You may end up with friends all over the world rather than a close community here, but talking to interesting people other than your partner will do a world of good, I promise! Consider signing up for local yoga, fitness, or acroyoga classes and make sure you attend all the same classes so people will start to recognize you. Try searching for a beginner level of something a little off the wall so that everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable — it’s the best bonding experience!

    Best wishes!

    #110717
    Ladybug
    Participant

    @Inky I will keep an open mind, that anyone can be a good friend.

    #110718
    Ladybug
    Participant

    @Anna Thanks for your perspective. I think that when I had met these “friends” at the time I wasn’t that assertive. As I’ve changed I realize I deserve more. Hopefully I’m projecting this attitude instead.

    #110720
    Ladybug
    Participant

    @aschristyseesit Thanks for your perspective as well. I will definitely look at those sites!

    #110921
    amrata sharma
    Participant

    hi…so true.
    other thing i found is “expectations” …
    how expectations can create distances…ur friend wants u to be full time story telling…n complains if u dont share something wrong…where u dont thing if something is wrong. or sometimes people try to solve their own problems and does not need constant “status update” to anyone; coz they r no-where inn life. n somehow distances r increased.

    i think many of us face the same problem “no-close frnz” but we should also seek “why” over here.
    as @miniaturebodhisatva told… we r in life crisis…. where we r finding our careers , marriage, sttelement…
    n other people mi8 be on pg 60 or 100 n we r still on 20….
    so tht is another reason in my case…
    though we talk… but there is lack of bonding.

    yesterday only i was in tears remembering old days with my bestie… hez now married. but he was more a knda girldfriend i would need.
    tension free sharing… fun loving ideas…n adventures together.

    i think when we ll be in some stable phase of life.. we might get a good frn again.

    n if u want…we can be frnzz too 🙂
    we share our tiny buddha together 😉

    cheers.

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