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This topic contains 18 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of jon kirkham jon kirkham 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #124668
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    Experiencing depression needs support, right? Especially from the parents. But, how about when the parents are the cause of all the troubles? Friends? I am not comfortable talking it to them. I’m an introvert. All of this feeling, I just kept it inside.

    This forum is my only way to vent out my feelings. I hope you don’t mind.

    Here it goes..

    I am tired. I am sick of following what my father wants. Why can’t he just say that he will support me, that I should not be afraid because he will be there. Why can’t he say that? Instead, he always repremand and criticize me. I keep saying to myself that maybe he just cared for me so much that he always do that. But, why can’t he be gentle and warm?

    Just like any other incidence. Its funny Im still not used to it, I am still affected.
    *sigh* Im just letting this go.. Extend again my patience and cry.

    I’m just frustrated.

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Profile photo of Veronica Veronica.
    #124678
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    It is very, very difficult to really understand that our parents (in your case, in mine, and in so many others’ people lives) are not the loving people we wished they were. Like you suggested, it is their lack of love that caused your distress, and it is that lack that maintains it.

    Really, there is only one way for better mental health- find that love we need elsewhere. I say: if my mother was not the loving person I wish she was when I was as cute as I was at 2, 3, 4, looking up to her with all the love in the world, all the trust, the need… why or how would she turn loving now?

    No, hope is not there.

    anita

    #124683
    Profile photo of jon kirkham
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    I can relate to being an introvert and feeling the only way you can vent is via online forums to like minded people. Not sure if its through fear or just mot feeling that other people can cope with your waterfall of emotions and some parts of our reality.

    How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking? Also bear in mind that your dad may be under a lot of stress which does cause us to not truly see everything we’re saying and doing and how it affects other people. It’s hard for a child, but imagine having to run your life with the responsibility and burden of raising somebody in this world. It works both ways.

    But it may also be because you’re not the way he imagined or wanted you to be. But he could still manage it a great deal better. Maybe try writing this down for him to read. Explore every aspect though. If he is caring and genuinely loves you then he will consider your view and try to be more compassionate. If you’re afraid of doing this, then maybe talk to your mum perhaps? Maybe you could all sit down together and talk things through.

    Never give up. And there is ALWAYS hope, if you believe it and do everything possible. As long as the most important part – love – is fully appreciated by every person involved. Using our minds plays a huge part too, unfortunately, Because of how emotions can cloud our minds and the stress and negatives in this world also imbalance this notion

    #124726
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    @anita My mom is caring. Yet she is always busy. Always. She is quite a nagger. Both of my parents.

    Ever since I am young, I am always been on my own, but its okay, it made me to be independent person. My father was about my age when he got me, I am 24 yrs old now @jon kirkham . I am the reason of their marriage due to my existence. It seems all his supressed dreams, he passed it to me. I understand that part. I understand why he is treating me this way. But, sometimes, I can’t take it anymore. I am tired of following what he wants. We rarely talk and every time we do, it is about my career life. He would suggest to do this and that in an authorative tone. I did tried to open up yet he was unwelcoming about it. He raised his voice even more and I ended up “nodding”

    I tried to open up with my mother. But, she just simply say that I should just understand my father. I did. I really did. But it is so tiring. Besides she is so busy with her religious stuff. I really hate the hypocrisy of this matter. My parents are both active in church, always attending masses. They even, especially my mom, scolds me if I don’t go to church. Even my belief and faith, they want me to follow theirs. I really hate masses. Excuse me for that. I am filipino. I was raised and born in catholic world. Somehow, they are close minded in terms of how I think and philosophizes about life that is not aligned with them.

    #124730
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    I hope you find someone to really listen to you, to be interested in your thoughts, your feelings about anything and everything; someone who will not try to pressure you to do things his way (your father) or to attend masses (your mother); someone who will be available to you in a loving way.

    This will make all the difference for you.

    But who could this someone possibly be?

    anita

    #124790
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    Honestly, its hard to find someone who has the same mindset with mine. I had been with relationships (some are even toxic) but it is given me more hard time than as single. As of now, my only friend is my diary that doesn’t judge me. This forum helps me alot. Just reading with several threads and all the supportive response do helps a lot. Thank you 🙂

    #124799
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    You are welcome. Post anytime.

    It is definitely better to be single than to be in a damaging relationship. What a pretty drawing, above your name- can you share more about it?

    anita

    #124801
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    I know, right? 🙂 its not mine. I just found it in the internet. I was totally drawn by it the moment I saw. Aside from wearing red gown (favorite color), it’s like she’s letting go of something, making her look free and powerful.

    #124815
    Profile photo of jon kirkham
    jon kirkham
    Participant

    Some people are lucky and have the love and connection with their parents. Some of us aren’t. I never knew my father and my mum was wasn’t nurturing or considerate and never grasped the true meaning of responsibility. Encouraging and developing solely came from the outside world and ourselves. But recently I started looking at their side. I was number 3. And my mother was told she was no longer fertile. So when I pop through it was totally unexpected. She didn’t give up though. Basically you have to look at every side of it. Well you don’t have to. But I found it helps Sith our minds. Helps look at the positives in the broader picture which takes a lot of practice and effort. Something I still work on day to day, and some days are better than others.

    But you say you understand all of that. So that’s good. Some people don’t. They only look at it from their own angle/perspective. So at least you’re not closed off. But the pain still exists. But this is where your love for yourself comes in. Acknowledging all of your reality. Working on the aspects you want and crave. In this case; love.

    And fear and anxiety are barriers for us in this area. And how our parents want us to be. Sounds like you need to get away. Maybe moving to another place. Somewhere to start a new life for yourself. Let go of your past and move forward to create a life that is what you want. If your parents are stuck in the place where they and they alone took themselves to then that is down to them. All that matters is they love you and they want you to be happy. That is how they should be anyway.

    Oh and like you I don’t agree with the whole human side of religion. How some people’s minds are does affect the simple core of how we should be loving to every person. Treat every person how we would like to be treated and so on. Seeing the inner beauty to every part of this world and every living being. But the human mind clouds this at times. That’s why the concept of Buddhism appealed to me a few years ago. No judgements, no conceptions of how you should be. Just enjoy the journey and make the most of it.

    It’s never easy in this world. But the more we experience and the more we do, the easier it gets in some respects. Learning and developing along the way

    And before I wrote the above it was cloudy. And now I’ve finished, I look out the window and it’s sunny. Simple positive attribute – always look on the brighter side of life.

    Stay true to yourself and strongly believe you are lovable. You’re a thoughtful individual who has a great deal yet to experience and enjoy in this life. Just be brave and don’t let fear hold you back. You don’t know what is around the corner. But it is your life that you’re living so make the most of it

    #124824
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    I like that red dress as well. You wrote: “it’s like she’s letting go of something, making her look free and powerful”- I wonder what you can let go of and then feel and be “free and powerful”-

    Free and powerful, very strong adjectives. What would that mean to you, living Free and Powerful?

    anita

    #124826
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    Wow anita. There are wonderful words I could use it to remind me always. Thank you 🙂

    As of now, i am planning to move. Although I still don’t figured it out yet, I am taking things as “going with the flow”. I been through a lot lately that is why I wanted to be patient with myself.

    I realized that I have been neglecting myself, my inner callings, because I always keep on thinking what can make my parents happy. It does makes me happy however temporarily. I used to sacrifice a lot for the people I loved.

    I am not sure what exactly are the things I need to let go. Perhaps, my insecurities – I find hard to accept compliments than criticism. Self doubts and worrisome attitude.

    Living free would mean not being slave to circumstance and powerful would mean taking control of everything especially the mind and will.

    #124827
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    Your situation is worst than mine (not having a father ) and yet it seems that you are very wise, positive and kind. I feel ashamed that I keep whining about my problems. I hope someday I could be as positive as you are anita 🙂

    #124830
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    “Going with the flow” is good, being patient with yourself is excellent. No longer neglecting yourself, no longer sacrificing yourself to make others happy- is the way to being free.

    You wrote: “I used to sacrifice a lot for the people I loved.”- sacrifice is not a good thing. Compromise when needed- yes, but not sacrifice.

    You wrote: “Living free would mean not being slave to circumstance and powerful would mean taking control of everything especially the mind and will.”- dealing with criticism, others’ and self criticism is part of taking control of the mind. It is so easy to criticize people and anyone can be criticized. But what is the benefit in it? If there is none- what is the good in beating oneself up?

    I don’t know whose situation was worse. People’s lives are difficult and most comparisons are not accurate.

    You are not “whining about (your) problems”- not at all. I wish you don’t feel ashamed for expressing your thoughts and feelings as they are- none of your thoughts or feelings are shameful. Bring them all to the light, right here on your thread.

    anita

    #124904
    Profile photo of Veronica
    Veronica
    Participant

    Thank you anita. I would like to ask you a question or anybody.. How do we deal with critisicm? How to deal with difficult people?

    #124919
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Veronica:

    My answer: your biggest criticizer is the critical voice in your head. There is a whole lot that goes into dealing with that voice, also known as the Inner Critic. That voice starts in childhood, the critical voice of a parent or parents become your own. You carry that voice into adulthood.

    People outside of us do criticize us, but sometimes they don’t and we only think they do, hearing our own Inner Critic and thinking it is other people thinking what we are thinking. Sometimes others are critical of us, but we get very, very upset because our Inner Critic agrees with them and part of us rebel!

    Dealing with the inner critic takes time and work; mindfulness (paying attention to what it says when it says it), insight into the original critic, the parent whose voice is now in our brain, skills, and such.

    anita

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