This is embarassing to write even to strangers, but I would like some opinions if possible (even though I feel as though I know what they are going to be). I am too embarassed to share this with my friends and family, so this is why I’m writing it here.
I’m going to try to explain the background in the shortest way possible. I had my son when I was 21 years old, my son’s father lived in another country when I got pregnant and came to his birth, and to visit 2 times a year for 3 and a half years after my son was born. When my son turned four, which was when his father graduated from college, his father moved back to the country (where we live). During the time he was away, we were always “involved” in some way – sometimes in a greater way than others, but he would make promises such as “he was not seeing anyone” and I was literally single the entire time in respect to him (and because I had no interest in anyone else). We would Skype all the time, e-mail, chat, etc. Anyway when he came back we started getting back together, for a couple of months until he cheated on me with someone else and I found out about it. He apologized, without really meaning it, and that was it, we were over. He hooked up with her for several more months and then told me it was over and so I got back together with him. Then after a few more months, I found out he hadn’t ended it with her and was two timing the both of us. Anyway, we both broke up with him until I got back together with him again, for another few months…until he ditched me to get back together with her. Sheesh, I know. Anyway, after another few months (end of last year) they broke up. All in between me and this girl had a really weird relationship. We would bad mouth him to eachother, promise eachother we would never get back with him, go out to have dinner together, pretend we were “friends” and then one or the other would get back with him. Just pathetic.
Anyway, at the end of last year when they broke up, I had no intention to get back together with him (although harbored feelings for him the entire time…). It was bad/is bad, I felt/feel this strong bond towards him and I realize it is more toxic and codependent than anything else, but it’s there, and it drains my energy seriously. Anyway, at the end of the year his family invited me to go on a trip with them and I accepted. He was there, we hooked up and got back together and are together to this day. Even while we were on the beach on this family vacation, I saw texts from that same girl, and then he told me he had been casually hooking up with her and would end it. Ended it, showed me the texts and that was it. I decided since I had been investing for so long and wanted us to have a relationship so bad, I would forget all about the past and start fresh. As if my heart agreed – as if the little that was left of my brain agreed. My mistrust haunts me day and night. I question whether I should or shouldn’t be with him every day (or most days at least). I wonder when it is he is going to ditch me all of a sudden for someone else and how that will feel. I think of all sorts of ways to find out if he’s cheating on me and what I will do when that happens. I wonder what it would be like if I ended it with him, when deep down a part of me thinks we are just going to get married and things will eventually get better and better until they are solid and good. And this how it has been since Christmas. Things seem to be blossoming, growing, he is very kind to me, obviously kind to our son (always has been), and we are more “official” than we’ve ever been before. His family knows about us, our friends…It is just different than it has been and I have been feeling safer than ever (until a certain degree – given the mistrust that obviously hasn’t completely faded).
Anyway, I got a hold of his phone the other day (this last Sunday) and saw some very disturbing messages. It was him, texting prostitutes at 3 am, asking them how much they cost, if they would come to his house, if they worked at this whore house near his house. They just told him the price and he never said anything else back. One of them texted something about him being gorgeous…which obviously freaked the fuck out of me. I couldn’t believe what I read. He just said he was drunk after going out with friends and was acting like an idiot, that nothing actually happened after those texts, and that he was extremely relieved he didn’t sleep with them. Apologized for even having spoken to them and said for the first time he loved me and that him and I and our son were a family.
I’m just completely shooken up. First I was worried about just that girl, than just girls he might meet somewhere, but now prostitutes too? I didn’t even know they were an item on my worry list. Jesus christ, I honestly don’t even know to beleive that he didn’t really sleep with them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. I feel like I’m ignoring all this shit from the past, and I guess now from the present too, and it’ll blow up in my face any minute. I’m scared of the depression I will feel if I break up with him. He has been so good to me, and when him, my son and I are together it really does feel like a happy family. I’m scared if we break up, not only will I feel depressed, but I feel as though I’ll never love anyone again the way I love him. If we continue together, maybe we really can get marreid and just keep on improving our relationship. But what about the chances of infidelity? Or certainty, I suppose? Am I supposed to turn into those wives/girlfriends that know they are being cheated on, but pretend they don’t? Is that my only option? To stop snooping so I never know? What is worse? I don’t know anymore.
Someone please shed some light…