Forum Replies Created
June 20, 2019 at 8:17 am #299965
I think you have already figured out your answer. The only factor that is changing your mind is his WORDS not ACTIONS. you are in this state of confusion because you know you want to leave and this isn’t what a healthy, loving relationship is. I want you to picture yourself without him. In a house that you own, at a job or career that you love, exploring new countries and places. Do they bring you more joy than this relationship? Does the prospect of those ideas make you happier and want to move forward? If they do, move on from him. A relationship should only add to your life like the cherry on top of the sundae, it’s not the foundation. You have dreams and goals that you want to go after. He is just taking up extra space in your mind that isn’t needed for that. It will hurt to let go but your body and mind are trying to make you leave. Listen to yourself and make the right decision. He is simply saying he will change but his ACTIONS aren’t reflecting it. ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. He isn’t doing the fundamental thing to insure the future of the relationship.June 20, 2019 at 7:23 am #299963
I agree with what Mark is saying. Have you ever considered that the “beauty and adorableness” of this new woman can also fade after 14 years? There is no guarantee that it will also last forever and at that point what will you do. You will also have to tell your wife that this has been happening so she can make preparations for a divorce, to take a break, or to move forward. It is terrible to be blindsided by someone you trust and that pain can do more harm than good in the future. I believe before you pursue this new woman you must sort it out with your wife. This isn’t an internal struggle as it affects more than yourself. It is her right to know and move forward from there.
Now, if you don’t want to tell her because you want to keep your wife as an option if the new woman doesn’t work out you should end the marriage now. Your wife isn’t an option, she is a person. She deserves to find someone that will give her the love she deserves through thick and thin.June 19, 2019 at 11:39 am #299835
Also wanted to add, she is treating you as an emotional punching bag and that will ultimately ruin you.
“She has mentioned to me before that she will never have another affair again, and if she falls for another man, she will end our marriage first before having sexual relations with the new guy. “
That itself is a red flag. She doesn’t think she has a problem at all but believes that finding someone new that she loves is a perfect excuse to drop you. When you love someone, you aren’t looking for your next love. You love her and you aren’t looking but she doesn’t feel the same way. Is there coming back after that? She is choosing to treat you as an option rather than a husband. She is choosing to be a mother at certain points rather than a mother at all times. This isn’t fair to your daughter or you.June 19, 2019 at 11:28 am #299831
I’m sorry for what you are going through and how she is treating you so far.
I want you to ask yourself, if she does decided to work on the marriage for the sake of your kid will you be able to trust her again? Will you feel safe with letting her go out and not worry that she is sleeping with someone else? You can’t keep restraining her or set down these rules. Deciding not to be unfaithful is a choice that she needs to make and has failed to do so already once and maybe multiple times.
You are focusing on her perspective in all of this but I truly believe you should step back and focus on yourself wholeheartedly. Focus on the values and morals you wouldn’t budge in and realize she doesn’t fit in with those values. This was ultimately ruin your viewpoint of a relationship if you continue to stay and put up with it. You aren’t pathetic that you want to keep trying. You just don’t like giving up which is an admirable trait. I would put it towards the situation you are in rather than the person. You can change the situation but you can’t change someone’s personality. If you are a hard worker, I don’t think your father in law will want to lose you as an employee. Also, if he wants you to go then you can still leave and find something else with your 2 years of experience. Please keep us updated and find the strength to realize and know you need and deserve better.June 11, 2019 at 12:25 pm #298551
Thank you anita! I have done guided meditation and it seems to help some. I’m also working out often to relieve anxiety as well.June 11, 2019 at 9:43 am #298473
I’ve actually told him already, the next day it happened. It was sort of another one of those moments I wanted to leave and it would give him an easy out. That wasn’t the right way to handle things too. It was with someone that was a friend/complicated relationship so it put me in a more vulnerable spot.
“You’re going to want a clean start with no distractions when you go to grad school anyway.” You are right I do want a clean start at times but we have actually talked about this at length. I can leave at any point and pursue my career goals and not think twice about it now, which he knows. He is slowly trying to get the trust back (access to phone, etc.). I just feel like my anxiety is getting too much at times and I don’t think clearly because of this.July 25, 2018 at 1:39 pm #218715
Thank you for replying. It’s true, I’m unable to move out. I don’t seek their input, advice, share my problems, and I do minimize my interactions with them. This is just the most interaction I had with them in a while because I would be either busy with school or busy with work. I know that it’ll take some time till I find another position. I believe I have enough experience in addition to the degree. I just want to find a better way to cope without feeling this depressed every time they get into a fight with me. It’s hard as it is but I would appreciate it if they didn’t actively try to break me down. I’m really hoping on advice to maintain a positive outlook to life while going through a rough patch, I guess.May 15, 2018 at 4:19 pm #207523
I feel like you aren’t able to get past the one month contract because it feels like the end of the relationship. You are unsure if you need to mourn or keep pursuing him. I would take the one month as a challenge to yourself. You need to see who you are as a person and what you want from your own life. In the end, you might end up realizing that you want more time for yourself.
I especially think you need more time for yourself and would end the relationship. He has hurt you before (cheating on you) and has pushed you away when you have tried to talk to him. I believe when someone cheats on they ruin the trust you have for them. That isn’t something you can easily build back up and you shouldn’t have to feel that suspicious feeling time and time again. As a duty to yourself, recognize your own worth and ask yourself is this a person I really need in my life? Will the effort I give them be returned? If there isn’t a definite yes in your answer than I’m sorry to say you must move on. A relationship takes effort and it isn’t just your feelings about the person. Life has a variety of situations and effort in a relationship is needed to get past them. It isn’t fair to you when you can be there for him during that situation but he needs to “take time for himself” when you are going through a crisis.June 1, 2017 at 7:08 am #151520
@Smile- Yes I’ve been calm the entire time. I didn’t bug him about the issue and if anything I talked to him less than I usually do. I just didn’t initiate the conversation as much mainly for myself. I need time to get back to being friends but that is definitely something I want in my life. I believe there are a select few I can be really close with so once I have those people in my life I rarely let go of that relationship quickly. Right now I’m giving it as much space as possible. We hung out before with another friend and he did say if you ever want to hang out lets hang out. He even told me when he is leaving and coming back from his trip. I know that’s because he still wants to be my friend. We are both appreciative of each other and get into deep conversations. I guess looking at it now I felt like telling him was a good idea because I can appreciate him more as a friend. The reason I feel so tormented by this is because I have another friend that knows what’s going on and they basically said he was just “emotionally dating” me. I don’t really believe that to be true because he can’t help it if we just met and we connect on that level. It doesn’t mean he has to start a relationship with me. That’s too much pressure for anyone, even me. Even though I can rationalize this, I still cry when I think about it. I’m just wondering will it always be like that? I don’t have much experience with this but I don’t want it to be like that. I still want to see my friend.
@Susannah- Saying platonic friendships are possible truly makes me feel better. We’ve talked so many times after that but not about this.
@Inky- it could be where I’m scared of rejection too. The thing is when other guys approach me I’m not scared of rejection from them later on. I feel like deep down I could really connect with him which is super hard for me. That’s why I think it hurts more.
Thank you for your replies!November 13, 2016 at 7:36 pm #120316
Wearing your heart on your sleeve is completely dependent on the type of person you are. Different people have different personalities and have different perspectives on how to live their own lives. I feel like you are going through a similar feeling that I have went through time and time again. The most important thing to remember is you are sticking to the person you want to be and the person you are now. The world is filled with people that like to share their feelings, hide their feelings, have multiple romantic relationships, or just have one. You just have to figure out what type of person you are and to be comfortable with that. What makes you sad, happy, angry etc.? The most important job you have in the world is to figure yourself out and find answers to those questions. Some friends will advice you to let it go and if it works for them that’s great they figured that out. If that doesn’t work for you, it simply doesn’t work for you and that’s okay too. You just have to go and power through the emotions and in the end you will find out more about yourself and have more experience dealing with those emotions.November 13, 2016 at 7:13 pm #120312
@anita: Yes I will definitely try that. I’ll try starting a thread where others can just talk about there interests?
@Sammi: Thank you! I just recently tried it out! It’s good but a lot of messages I have received involve relationship requests? Yes, if you ever need anyone to talk to or just want to start a conversation just reply to the thread 🙂November 11, 2016 at 9:14 pm #120139
I’ve had experience with this kind of abuse and also the emotional withdrawal from a parent also. I want to start off by saying please the next time you pick up a blade for the release think about yourself. The reason I am saying this is because my sister cut herself when the stress was too much which eventually led her to making the decision to kill herself. Luckily, my other sibling was there and we were able to save her. I want to tell you that self-harming is a form of release but it allows you to hurt yourself as a way of compensating for what is lacking in your life. When you experience that much pain, you will want anything to release you from the hold your pain has on you. Eventually, I’m scared you will make that same decision my sister did. I’m here to say it will FKIN (excuse my lang.) get better. In the end your life will be your own and your parents or your parents’ SOs will not have any control of it. Reading about everything you are going through I know you are damn strong. I just want you to know that it will definitely get better. I mean that as in you will slowly start healing from all of this once you separate yourself from the cause of your unhappiness. When I went through these feelings of hopelessness I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and focused on each of my senses one at a time. What I could taste, what I felt on my skin, what I heard, etc. Trust me, I know this is hard to do if you are bawling but it gives you a safe haven. It allows you to feel everything small that you can take for granted. This helped when I had every suicidal thought because I would miss even the small things if I wasn’t there to experience them. I hope this technique helps you because I want you to live.November 7, 2016 at 1:38 pm #119875
Yes that is correct 🙂 I have also been using your advice and participated in other posts. I really like this online community and also I like that you take the time and effort to reply to basically each and every post.November 7, 2016 at 12:15 pm #119868
I like the positivity in your post. Unconditionally loving someone to me is forgiving them despite any flaw or trial they have put you through. At one point that was a really hard test for me and it still is. I think it only applies to certain people though. There are some people that you accept a lot more hurt from then others and that isn’t necessarily bad, it depends on the meaning or significance that person has in your life. Conceptually, uconditonal love is beautiful and that perception helps me to forgive and care about others.May 31, 2016 at 10:48 am #106078
It isn’t too late to be part of a social group or even finding that social group that you click with. When you get older people drift apart but no one tells you that new people with different stories come into your life. I feel like you have this need to actually connect with someone instead of simply being acquaintances. Attending therapy sessions is a good start but try striking up a random conversations or even smiling at random strangers. Usually people are responsive and smile back which makes them more approachable. You just need to test the waters and see what fits and doesn’t. These close relationships that you are looking for aren’t hard and just need time to grow. They just need to be with the right people. I think you should be proud of yourself for going through this type of personal growth, can I ask what triggered it? Was it when you were trying to have a conversation with your friends or have you always felt this way? Anyways you should be very proud of yourself because it takes a lot of effort to want a positive change in your life. Good luck!