I have feelings for another woman, should I tell her?

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    I’ve been married for 14 years and have two children who are 13 and 11. Over the last year or so I haven’t felt in love with my wife. I still love her, but I don’t look forward to spending time with her when I get home, and sometimes I feel like I don’t want to go home.

    Recently I met someone, who I’ve been spending some time with, who I think is beautiful and adorable. I’ve made sure to not spend time with her alone, and tried to keep things on a friendship level, but even so I’m starting to develop feelings for her. I think she likes me, but I don’t know how much.

    What I want to know is whether I should tell her that I have feelings for her and that I can’t see her any more because of that? Whilst I can see that we could have a great relationship together, I don’t think it’s fair on her, or my wife, to begin anything whilst I’m still married, and I need to sort that out first. On the other hand, I want to keep her as a friend (and we have a lot of mutual friends so it’s inevitable we’ll accidentally meet) and telling her might ruin that, but just avoiding her would seem weird. I would really appreciate some advice.

    (I should add, I have Asperger’s, so I have a lot of difficulty figuring out things like this)


    Dear Kei:

    Yes, definitely better “to sort that out first”. You have two children, 11 and 13- a major factor to consider before you proceed.

    A friendship with this woman that you like at this point is a bad idea because you like her as more than a friend.

    When did you stop looking forward to go home to your wife, what happened before you stopped wanting to be in your wife’s company?




    If you want to keep your marriage then work on it.  Love is a verb.  The feeling of love is when you two were going through the stars-in-the-eyes emotional feeling phase.  Now it’s work.  It’s a day-to-day conscious focus.  It’s like with your children.  There are days when they are little shits but you still love them.  You hug them.  You tuck them into bed.  You read them stories.  You go to their school activities.  It’s no different with your wife.  Love is active.

    You may crush on someone else.  That’s understandable.  We all have fantasies that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  We can project onto another person that she is more exciting and more desirable.

    It’s your decision.  This is what being mature is all about.  It is knowing the difference between being infatuated with a fantasy versus wanting to do the sometimes hard work on a relationship.  Court your wife again.  Make a conscious effort to show/say that you love her.  Take time to be present with her, to really listen to her.  Give her a break from the children.  I assume that she is the primary caregiver.  Give her time for herself.  Support her with her dreams, her hobbies.   Have regular dates with her.




    I agree with what Mark is saying. Have you ever considered that the “beauty and adorableness” of this new woman can also fade after 14 years? There is no guarantee that it will also last forever and at that point what will you do. You will also have to tell your wife that this has been happening so she can make preparations for a divorce, to take a break, or to move forward. It is terrible to be blindsided by someone you trust and that pain can do more harm than good in the future. I believe before you pursue this new woman you must sort it out with your wife. This isn’t an internal struggle as it affects more than yourself. It is her right to know and move forward from there.

    Now, if you don’t want to tell her because you want to keep your wife as an option if the new woman doesn’t work out you should end the marriage now. Your wife isn’t an option, she is a person. She deserves to find someone that will give her the love she deserves through thick and thin.

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