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cheating, grad school applications, work, and anxiety

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week ago.

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  • #298453

    Zariah
    Participant

    So this might be a really long story but here goes…

    About 7 months ago, I found out that my SO cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship with a girl he knew on and off for about 6 years. We were dating at that time for about 3 months and I didn’t find out until basically a year later. At that time, it was really tough and I decided to forgive him. I know this may be a shock to most people but during that time I went through all the emotions, consistently tried to make him break up with me, and also slept with someone else. I realized what he did was very hurtful and have communicated that he will only receive one more chance. After that, there are no more screw ups because we will be done. I know people make terrible mistakes out of selfishness and to pursue their own interests because that is something that was taught to them. After hearing his side, I believed that a little too. Again, I would not be too benevolent and I understand he walks around on eggshells at times because of this.

    Fast forward to now, I wanted to piece my life back together. I finally submitted an application to grad school and the anxiety of waiting to hear a response is absolutely sickening. The worse part is I compare myself at times to others and the worst of all I am comparing myself to the girl he cheated on me with. She also got into grad school and left. I knew this was a stupid thought but I was thinking to myself, “Maybe, I am not as smart enough or good enough like her.” It’s a weird thing to connect in my mind. I just want to feel secure in myself again. I have made the decision to forgive him and I really don’t want to be thinking about her during my admissions process. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions everyday.  I just need some advice to calm down the anxiety.

    #298463

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Zariah,

    I would tell him that you slept with someone else. This bit of honesty will even the score a bit. He will know that you can (easily) walk away at any time. It also gives HIM all the information to make an informed decision to stay with YOU.

    And don’t tell him you applied to grad school. Only tell him if you get in. His knowledge can only make it feel worse for you. Not that he compares you with this other girl, but I get that it’s a mental thing for you.

    What I would do is dump him and start over, but that’s just me. You’re going to want a clean start with no distractions when you go to grad school anyway.

    Best,

    Inky

    #298473

    Zariah
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I’ve actually told him already, the next day it happened. It was sort of another one of those moments I wanted to leave and it would give him an easy out. That wasn’t the right way to handle things too. It was with someone that was a friend/complicated relationship so it put me in a more vulnerable spot.

    “You’re going to want a clean start with no distractions when you go to grad school anyway.” You are right I do want a clean start at times but we have actually talked about this at length. I can leave at any point and pursue my career goals and not think twice about it now, which he knows. He is slowly trying to get the trust back (access to phone, etc.). I just feel like my anxiety is getting too much at times and I don’t think clearly because of this.

     

    #298541

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zariah:

    When we are anxious about one thing (your admission to graduate school), the anxiety tends to spread like wild fire and ignite something else that is in its way, be it an  old thing, (your boyfriend’s prior infidelity), or something new.

    Therefore,  manage your anxiety best you can, lower it, keep it down, be it by taking a daily long walk or two, committing to an exercise routine, doing guided meditations, yoga, something that works for you.

    anita

    #298543

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #298551

    Zariah
    Participant

    Thank you anita! I  have done guided meditation and it seems to help some. I’m also working out often to relieve anxiety as well.

    #298553

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zariah:

    You are welcome. I hope you continue to post about your work experience and efforts to lower your anxiety at work. It may be useful for you to keep this thread going. Over time we can come up with more ideas, thoughts and suggestions that may be useful to you.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  anita.
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