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I Feel Stuck

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Alexxy 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #299455

    Alexxy
    Participant

    I could go on and on about this relationship, but let us just say it has been a relationship that has lasted 10 years, with many rocky moments. Cheating, name calling, disrespect, you name it. I have always told myself “Stop going back to what hurt you. You know how it is already, stop hurting yourself”. We were together for 6 years, broke up for a year because he cheated on me and continued to lie to me about it, and then we got back together a year later. During the year of the break up, we were still in contact. Anyways, when we got back together, things were great…then old habits came in. He would lie about where he was, started drinking a lot, doing drugs, calling me mean names, being manipulative and quite frankly emotionally abusive. We broke up a couple months ago because the disrespect got so bad, but us breaking up has not ended the relationship. I still see him and talk to him KNOWING it is bad. I want so badly to let go, but each time I do, i feel guilty. I am relying on hope that “He said he has changed, let me give it a chance again.” My family hates him, my friends hate him, so me talking to him is even a secret. He tries to control what I do, while he is on dating websites… I sit at home and ponder on the thought if I should stay or leave all the time. How do I find the courage to just leave? I find myself feeling confident, about to do it, then i stop and think about how much i love him, and then beat myself up about it. I am sick of this cycle…I know he has not changed…I don’t think he can because after each chance, he goes back to his sneaky ways…and i realize this but for some reason cannot internalize it. I know I should let go, but how when it feels like i am letting go apart of myself?

    #299507

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Alexxy,

    It sounds like you need to change your mindset about him. He is not a part of you. You have an attachment to him and have experiences with him, but he, himself, is not part of you, so letting go of him really is not letting go a part of yourself. Try to not let your mind convince you of that. You can also love someone and care about someone but still set the boundary of not allowing them to hurt you, which in this case would probably involve stopping talking to him.

    But to give any further advice on how to leave, I need to ask… what is it that makes you feel guilty when you get yourself to let go of him? Can you explain that further?

    #299509

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexxy:

    Is it that in this hope of him changing his ways and becoming honest, kind and loyal to you, there is the best feeling in the world for you, no better feeling out there?

    And it is this heavenly feeling that motivates you to try again and wait and try yet again?

    anita

    #299527

    Alexxy
    Participant

    Hi Anita:

    In a sense, yes. My therapist asked me in a perfect world, how would I feel and be having him in my life. Well, in a perfect world we would have a clean slate, the past wouldn’t be brought up, and we would both trust each other. Plus, my family and friends would accept him. It does not work like that though, I have reintroduced him into my life 3 times already, my loved ones do not trust him. My parents said if I were to go back to him, they would not want me around because they do not want to see me ruin my life. Back to the main question though, does the hope of him changing motivate me? Yes. Have I realized I cannot change him? Yes. It bothers me that I understand and realize I need to let go, but do not want to believe it. Right now, this past weekend, he accused me of being out with guys, hooking up, while he was the one that was out ignoring my texts…I let it be. This morning I wake up to an accusation of me hanging out with a guy last night… I am not sure. I hate this state of confusion.

    #299529

    Alexxy
    Participant

    Valora:

    Mindset, yes! That is what I am struggling with. I am trying to focus on happiness, because what I realized is that when he is not talking to me and out of my life, even for a few days…I feel more at peace and good things are brought my way. It saddens me that I have this attachment to someone who consistently hurts me and disrespects me. I have set boundaries, but sadly, let him cross this, disrespecting myself and showing him that it is “okay”, when it is not…

    What makes me feel guilty are the “what ifs”, and I know should not live for the what ifs, but i do…the last time we broke up, he got into a car accident, got sent to jail, and got a DUI…he called me from jail. He told me that if it wasn’t for me leaving him, he would not have been in jail. I feel since I left that one time, I caused that… he always brings it up to say i was not there for him. What if I leave and he goes more heavily into drugs? His family kicks him out? What if he CAN change and I made a mistake leaving possibly the only person I can have this bond with? I sound crazy…it has been a cycle.

    #299531

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexxy:

    A summary about what you shared regarding this relationship: it lasted six years, he cheated on you and continued to lie to you about it. You broke up with him and the break up lasted a year, during which you were in contact with him. The two of you then got back together, things were great, but then “old habits came in”, he lied about where he was, drank a lot, did drugs and called you mean names, and was otherwise dishonestly manipulative, sneaky and emotionally abusive. The two broke up the again two months ago, but you  still see him and talk to him, and he is currently active on dating websites while accusing you of hooking up with other men.

    You want to let go of him but each time you try, you feel guilty, fearing that if you leave him he will get more heavily into drugs, and you hope that he will change, like he said he would, if you only gave him yet another chance. You feel that you love him, that he is a part of you, and so, you continue contact with him and then beat yourself up for it.

    My input/ question: as a child, was one of your parents (or other care taker) in some kind of trouble, emotionally troubled, depressed, and you tried really hard to help him, or her, to make that parent be okay, to not be troubled anymore?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  anita.
    #299627

    Alexxy
    Participant

    Anita:

    Correct. Perfect summary.

    No. I never experienced that in my childhood, so i do not know where the need to stay and “fix” things comes from.

    #299631

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexxy:

    If you are interested to “know where the need to stay and ‘fix’ things comes from”- we can look for that right here on your thread, for what motivates you to fix things with this man.

    Because there is a reason for your motivation to fix things, to not turn your back to him and move on.

    If you want to look for that reason or reasons, patiently, let’s do it (I ask about personal things, but this is an anonymous context, therefore I hope it is okay with you, as long as you don’t share information such as names of people and places):

    Will you tell me a bit about the relationship between your parents, how it has been/ is  now?

    anita

    #299671

    Valora
    Participant

    Valora:

    Mindset, yes! That is what I am struggling with. I am trying to focus on happiness, because what I realized is that when he is not talking to me and out of my life, even for a few days…I feel more at peace and good things are brought my way. It saddens me that I have this attachment to someone who consistently hurts me and disrespects me. I have set boundaries, but sadly, let him cross this, disrespecting myself and showing him that it is “okay”, when it is not…

    The thing about attachments is they take a while to break, so that’s something that should be expected. It is completely normal that you have this attachment, so your job now is to just simply accept that it’s there and that it will take time to dissolve… but after time apart, it WILL dissolve. If you feel better and more at peace when you are apart, that is your biggest sign that he is toxic to your life and that you need to distance yourself for your own mental health, no matter how your mind tries to rationalize your current feelings. The attachment feels comfortable to your mind, so that’s why it’s hard to let those go at first, but stay strong. You will feel better over time and your mind will change once it feels comfortable without that attachment.

    What makes me feel guilty are the “what ifs”, and I know should not live for the what ifs, but i do…the last time we broke up, he got into a car accident, got sent to jail, and got a DUI…he called me from jail. He told me that if it wasn’t for me leaving him, he would not have been in jail. I feel since I left that one time, I caused that… he always brings it up to say i was not there for him. What if I leave and he goes more heavily into drugs? His family kicks him out? What if he CAN change and I made a mistake leaving possibly the only person I can have this bond with? I sound crazy…it has been a cycle.

    Another thing to realize that may help you change your mindset is that you are not responsible for what happens to him. HE is. He is telling you these things to manipulate you into staying… to make you feel bad for him, like you are responsible for him. You aren’t, and that kind of manipulation is emotional abuse. Again, another reason why he is toxic and why you need to stand firm in a decision to leave, no matter what your mind tries to tell you (and I realize I keep talking like the mind is a separate entity, but it kind of is in these cases. It’s in protection mode and only wants to maintain comfort but lots of times it’s counterproductive to what’s actually best for us).

    Yes, it’s possible for your ex to change, but it won’t be because of anything you do or don’t do. It’s a decision he has to make for himself. And until he DOES change and for an extended period of time, he will be toxic to you. You are not responsible for his change or his lack thereof. He is. He is responsible for the car accident, the DUI, and the jail time. You did not make him react the way he did. He chose to react that way. So when you mind starts in with the “what if’s,” always counter those thoughts with “HE is responsible for HIMSELF,” and remember that him telling you that you are responsible for his actions is a manipulation… emotional abuse. I may not know you but you seem like someone who deserves far better than that. Please remember those things.

    #299869

    Bea
    Participant

    Hi Alexxy,

    Reading this, it could be me.  In fact I thought it was me, even down to the way you describe his ‘sneaky ways’.  What I have realised is it is going to take a long time to unravel, and I am still in the midst of it.  Something that helps is stepping back just for a small moment, consistently, each time he does something undesirable.  See his pattern.  Identify the triggers that keep you stuck to him.  For me, it was feeling that I was the only one who could help him, like you described.

    What I realised, too late, was that I was one of MANY, many, girls who he confided in, who told that they were his reason for living, for being strong.  He has many girls he can transfer this need for support onto.  You are not the only one.  Seeing yourself as detached from it in this way helped me, and it is the only thing that finally did.  But it was hard because he is so convincing; I had to block his calls and actively avoid contact for a bit.  Just for a break.  Last week he called me seven times, when I was feeling good and stronger…I picked up because I thought something was wrong, but guess what, he only wanted to tell me about his new flame.  In retrospect, if something had been wrong he would have texted to explain and ask to speak.  I should not have picked up.

    For me, when I went on holiday last year he cheated on me.  Somehow I felt guilty for having gone away without him and ‘abandoning’ him.  Each time I went away, he cheated, that very night.  Why I believed his remorseful excuses I do not know.  Be aware of patterns of behaviour.  Having seen this too many times now I believe that people, in the main (always exceptions), either do or do not cheat.  If something is wrong in the relationship and they want to leave it, they should not cheat.  They can talk, they can reason.  There is never an excuse for cheating.  They can tell you they want to cheat, that they are tempted, but when you are in a relationship, I believe that only fundamental cowards cheat.

    It’s going to be hard, but these things are sent to test us and prove to ourselves that we can take this experience and bury it within ourselves, to strengthen us for the future.  This exact experience will never happen again, and we can move on and use these skills to survive future curve balls that life will surely throw at us.

    #299965

    Zariah
    Participant

    Hello,

    I think you have already figured out your answer. The only factor that is changing your mind is his WORDS not ACTIONS. you are in this state of confusion because you know you want to leave and this isn’t what a healthy, loving relationship is. I want you to picture yourself without him. In a house that you own, at a job or career that you love, exploring new countries and places. Do they bring you more joy than this relationship? Does the prospect of those ideas make you happier and want to move forward? If they do, move on from him. A relationship should only add to your life like the cherry on top of the sundae, it’s not the foundation. You have dreams and goals that you want to go after. He is just taking up extra space in your mind that isn’t needed for that. It will hurt to let go but your body and mind are trying to make you leave. Listen to yourself and make the right decision. He is simply saying he will change but his ACTIONS aren’t reflecting it. ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. He isn’t doing the fundamental thing to insure the future of the relationship.

    #300011

    Alexxy
    Participant

    Anita:

    My relationship with my parents is okay. I am not that close to either, but it is good. i do not confide in them or anything. But compared to others, i would say the relationship is good.

    #300013

    Alexxy
    Participant

    Zariah:

    Wow. Exactly. As you asked those questions, I felt happiness because all of those things make me HAPPY. In fact, if I had all of those things… this guy would probably resent me. He would stop me from travelling because he can’t, he won’t want me to have a good job because he can’t. My mind is tired…drained for even still having thoughts like this. 3 years ago i said i wouldn’t be here, but look where i am, here. In the same spot, and literally its the same thing. Nothing has changed. Actions speak louder than words has been a saying that I have been trying to really resonate, i believe it is true, but his actions never match his words and that is why i cannot believe/trust him. He just told me he wanted to marry me and that even that we are not together right now, he still sees me as a girlfriend and does not want me dating. But his actions? I go to him, he never comes to me. He ignores my texts. He goes out instead of wanting to spend time. He says he has no money and makes me pay, but yet he spends his money on alcohol, etc… this is sad.

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