Dear Anita,

Wow, I didn’t expect you to reply this.
First of all, especially after reading your last line, i wonder if i should apologise. I wonder if i wrote too much and too openly. I am afraid that i might have been triggering you with all that writing. Maybe i should have been more careful and not writing so much. In that case, i hope you will tell me honestly, and of course i will respect if you don’t reply anymore.

Thank you for your reply. I am not used to get understanding and recognition, and this of course, means a lot to me. An other human being who had similar difficulties and understands that it is hard and not healthy. I am so used to people telling me to ‘get over it’ , ‘forget about it, then is then and now is now, don’t keep dragging in the past’, or ‘there are so many people who have it much worse than you, you are so negative…’ etc. All these things i know, but still, i have never understood how to do it, just to stop being afraid.

Thanks to your kind reply, it is actually feeling easier for me right now to be a bit more compassionate towards myself because of the way i have made it so difficult with this lovely guy. Trying to get closer to him and keep running away.
I had 2 more phonecalls with this helpline today, immediately after each other (i have the numbers of 2 different counties), the first one was quite confronting and told me that i had messed it up and that i should phone him again to ask if he wants to come for tea. I just don’t know how to do it. I was so upset and overwhelmed and desperate that i phoned the other county. And that woman was more understanding, she said that my texts were respectful, also because i don’t know if he has a wife and all that, and that i made it clear that he is still welcome. I don’t know if talking about it is good, it seems to keep bringing the emotions up. And now as well, with reading your reply, i suddenly realise why i kept running away from him. It is so frustrating but i don’t know what to do now. I guess i have to let go of it, even though i am still hoping that he will show up. I have to work hard on myself and hoping that a next time i can do it a bit better. But that is hard, because my whole body, mind and spirit seems to be longing so much to see him, to talk to him, to tell him honestly what i feel, just to be with him. This is a very scary feeling.
I guess that since i am so afraid to look for further contact, that i won’t be forcing myself too much now. And that i should focus on myself, and accept the fact, that it maybe wasn’t supposed to be this way. Even if we are both so insecure and shy. But ok, i still hope, and i think that is very human. But i will focus on myself, doing things that are good for me, that hopefully help me to feel a little bit better, which is what i need the most right now.

I would like to ask you a lot of things, how did you manage to change some things, for example, because i know you have a husband, and i remember you writing that you went in therapy went you were with him and that you changed a lot. Ok, I notice that i would like to ask you things about your experience and how you managed to change things. But I don’t know if I should, because maybe that is too much for you, and going back too much to your painful past.
So I have all respect for your boundaries, and I ask you, to tell me if you want to talk further about it or not. I think, hope, that you are strong enough to say so if you don’t want to talk about, even if you like to support somebody else. Your own wellbeing and peace is more important, and my therapist is there for me.
But of course, if you do like to talk about it, i would find it very interesting. But in the first place, i hope you will respect yourself and your own boundaries. If you tell me honestly, now or whenever, that you don’t want to talk about it, i will respect it and not take it as an offence or rejection.

Anyway, thank you so, so much for your reply. You have no idea what these words did for me.