Dear James Jones:

Your fear: you figure it is unfounded. Logically you figured it is unfounded but obviously you believe, emotionally, that it is founded.

Would you like to share its origin: when did it start: go back as long as you can…?

anita

Hi James Jones,

I’m 30, share an apartment with a roommate, have a boring but stable job, and feel like nothing I do will ever turn out well.

So i wrote this out a couple of times, my mind is trying to make connections tonight, just not working 😉
I want you to know that what you are feeling is actually natural. You look at yourself in the mirror and see some 30 year old, lame person that you would rather not be. I get that, i feel like this more often than I like to admit. I look at my past and see everything differently, as if I feel that my past is inferior, that everything I did amounted to nothing. But this is incorrect. We are our own harshest critics and as a result when we look back, ‘in hindsight’ we often look back with tinted vision. What happened, is not what we see. What i’m trying to say is that age doesn’t make you more experienced, its just an number. However, we see that number and think of the social implications more often than not. Let me tell you, that no one is immune to this feeling, it is natural. What is unnatural as how many people never want to talk about it. So you are making an exceptional choice to make a stand in your life and ask yourself ‘why do i feel this way’.

And I’m really tired of gong to bed feeling like I wasted my day, or spending entire weekends doing nothing but pissg away time on the Internet or walks around the street with hands in my pockets, face staring down, or of having relationships be things exclusively for people who are not me.

My questions to you are these –> what’s wrong with spending day on the internet? WHat’s wrong with walking with your hands in your pocket? What’s wrong with not being in a relationship? We always, as humans tend to focus on what we want and then the reasons as to why we want are generally thrown to the wayside. If you are enjoying yourself, if you are happy then why should it bother you so much? Fear?? Fear is actually quite logical and understandable, however it is only ever in our heads. People are so afraid of dying young, they forget that we are all going to die anyway. It’s inevitable, one of the only things in human life that is guaranteed. Are you afraid that you could be doing more with your life? You say there are other things you would rather be doing, but don’t do them. Why are you afraid of not doing these things? My thoughts are that (as you stated with @anita) that you have placed heavy expectations on yourself. As a result you end up thinking you could or should be doing more. Which is actually illogical, because what you think you should be doing, might not be what you need to be doing. Do you really need more in life than what you already have? I’m not saying that you should just accept what you have now and be done. I just want you to think about the ‘whys?’ and seek understanding within yourself.

You are caught in a paradox, you are afraid of failing, as a result you feel you could be doing more to be successful, but don’t because you fear failing.

I believe that you fear triumph more than you fear failure, to be honest. Life is not an exam, you do not get As and Fs, it’s more like ‘i did something well’ or ‘i didn’t do so well’ neither are absolutes…that’s life. You fear success more than anything. Because if you were truly afraid of failure, then you wouldn’t be waking up and living and breathing the same air I do, you would of given up. But you are afraid of succeeding, what if i’m good at this? what if i do try something different and i’m decent at it? You played a video game that more than likely bought you joy and you were good at it. But somewhere along the way you felt that being good wasn’t good enough. You felt that success should feel different than this. SO you upped the volume, you fought harder, set the bar higher and at some point you set the bar so high, you forgot to enjoy the game. You forgot why you enjoy playing. And now…if you find that you are good at something, you fear that you will just set yourself up for failure by setting expectations too high.

Your self-confidence is eroded because you have stopped enjoying things for what they are and are setting expectations on everything. If you aren’t on the computer, then you might be getting a partner, you might have a better job, you might feel happier. you ‘might’ do a lot of things. But why are you setting the bar so high over things that may or may not happen? You expect yourself to be extraordinary in everything you do, now you are setting yourself up with failure. We create expectations to succeed, not to fail.

I see many people on these forums that are unhappy and lack self-confidence, the reason is because during their lifetime they felt they needed more to be happy. They needed something that gave them confidence, rather than being confident to begin with. People have confidence issues because they evaluate their age + what they own + what they feel is valuable = not enough or at the worst…. not good enough.

Well, this is the kicker….you already know this. You are smarter for it. Live life how you want to. Not what society thinks is a good use of time. Who cares that you are 30 with a roommate. I’m 25, no job and still live at home with my parents. But i’m happy. So you have a boring job, well do something that invigorates you when you are not at work. We all work, we all need to afford things. Work is work, so leave it at that. If you don’t want to change jobs, then look for something else you could do in your down time that makes you happy. Don’t just give up because work is dull, find something that replaces that dullness. Don’t follow what other people do in order to be happy, they aren’t you! You can never be like other people, because you are you. You are unique and valued only as much as you value and see yourself as unique!

What is success? Everyone has a different answer, everyone has a different way of attaining success. So what does it mean to you? Maybe you will be 50 years old when you find love, but guess what….you still succeeded. Maybe you will be 43 years old when you find a passion you enjoy that completes you….you still will succeed. I always remember the movie “SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD”, a brilliant movie. Steve Carrel’s character finally finds love in the final days of the world. His romance lasts no more than a couple of days. But in that couple of days he achieve’s more happiness than he has ever felt. What makes the moment special, is that it’s not how long it lasts, it’s not how successful he is….it’s that it happens to begin with. Don’t let time dictate success, be happy when it comes to you whenever. You are trying to achieve success by measuring how long you will be able to embrace that success. In the end you set expectations to achieve certain things by certain times to be able to enjoy your success more. And when you don’t reach your goals, you deem yourself a failure. But you forget to see what you achieved up until this point.

My final thought is this –> Do you want to keep failing yourself for the rest of your life?

I hope this helps, if you have any comments or questions, please continue this thread 🙂
MAtty

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Matty.