Dear Daniela:

Fear is the most powerful emotion there is. There is no way to eliminate fear but there are ways to lessen it.

Everyone is afraid, everyone is anxious. When you are afraid, you are not the only one. I am afraid every day. But doing so much better than I used to. I am more in control and feel stronger, less reactive, more capable to function okay regardless of the fear.

You are obviously afraid of the exam, and somehow the smoking is tied to this fear. What if you see yourself as you and this little girl in you (the inner child)- and treat her gently and patiently because she is so afraid. Treat her with empathy, just like you would treat a little girl in your care.

Take her hand, talk to her … a lot, ongoing. Out loud maybe. Hear her tell you she is scared. Guide her in taking one step at a time toward the studying and doing the things she is afraid of doing.

Every time you want a cigarette as an ineffective “solution” to the fear, talk to her. Tell the little girl you are there for her and will be there for her every step of the way.

It really is about developing a personal relationship with that inner child, or the child within, the child that you still are. It is about listening to her and talking to her. To yourself, that is, but gently, patiently, empathetically.

It is about taking good care of yourself, the best you can, all the time. Putting yourself first, working for your benefit, one step at a time, one day at a time, expecting only progress, no perfection. Expecting feelings to change, fear to get lesser and stronger and when you feel it stronger, know you can endure it as you have in the past. Know it will not kill you, it is just very uncomfortable.

Once you realize it is not dangerous, fear itself, it is only uncomfortable AND you have felt a whole lot of it and survived, once you build confidence in your strength to endure it without reacting automatically to it- then you are on your way to living a courageous and authentic life.

I hope I made sense. Will be back at the computer in about ten hours. Hope to read from you when I am back. Take good care of yourself, of the scared little girl in you: she needs your attention, your care, your empathy and gentleness, your loving guidance.

anita