Hi Ke,

It appears your boyfriend does not trust you enough to be able to reveal who he truly is (without a ‘mind-altering substance’ whatever that is). But it also shows that he is quite insecure if he continually states, during discussions that ‘you don’t love him, respect him’ etc. It shows that he isn’t really comfortable with himself to the point that he is externalizing his problems and is really talking about himself. What I mean is, that he says ‘you don’t love him’ but really he is turning it around his head as “you couldn’t possibly love me, no one can love me”. It’s a defense mechanism so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotions, he blames everyone else for them and sees himself as inferior.

In regards to having your mistakes thrown back in your face, i would consider this yet another example of insecurity as well as an inferiority complex. Pointing out your mistakes, in such a way that is aggravating is trying to prove something, trying to prove that ‘he wouldn’t make the same mistake’. The small things you do for him are largely being ignored, which begs the question, what he actually wants from you.

Out of interest, does he notice things about you, for instance, if you get a haircut, bought some new clothes etc? I ask because it seems that he is self-absorbed, dealing with his own problems, that you aren’t really in a relationship, your just living together. What does he actually want from this relationship? What do you want? Because, it seems that you have found quite a lot of faults that he isn’t willing to work through, let only talk about. Even if someone has a ‘bad history’, that doesn’t mean they have to take it out on others, otherwise the cycle continues. Bad history will continue, simply because your boyfriend decided instead of being proactive, making a stand and seeking help, he chose to bottle it up, take it out on you (the one he supposedly loves) and make you feel like crap.

My advice would be to sit down with each other and discuss where this relationship is going. Because, you are already living together, married life won’t change much, so what you are seeing is what you will get. If you cannot get this to happen, seek couples counselling, simply to put someone in between the two of you to moderate your discussion. And if this doesn’t work, then you are going to have to make an uncomfortable choice, stay or leave. It’s not your fault if your boyfriend wants to bottle everything up, it’s his own damn fault for letting it control his life and impact those closest to him.

I hope this helps,
MAtty

Ke,

I understand that uprooting your life is not what you or anyone would want to do. I also understand that you do love him, the fact you are here talking about ‘what to do?’ is actually evidence that you care deeply enough about him to seek help and advice. Even if he thinks psychology is nonsense, counselling is more about interacting, setting goals in a mutual environment. Couple counselors aren’t going to analysis him, more likely they will analysis the relationship, be a voice of reason between the two of you. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be a counselor, it could be a friend that you both have or a family member. Counselors are impartial since they know neither of you.

And if you cannot make him go with you to see someone, you need to tell him that it means a lot to you, and that you are trying to save this relationship. Don’t give your boyfriend an ultimatum, instead just say that the ‘relationship’ seems to be on the rocks and that you are concerned. You are in a sense concerned about the relationship, so talk to him about your relationship together. If he shuts you down again…. I’m not quite sure what you should do. Is it possible for both of you to take a day off from each other, even if you spend the night over at a mates place. Maybe some distance will put things into perspective for him.

I hope this helps you a little. If you have more to say, please continue this post.
MAtty

My suggestion is to first lose whatever the mind altering substance is. It doesn’t bring enlightenment, etc. Sorry, but if you two have to get high to talk, there’s a problem. And, who knows if what you remember, if anything, is accurate.

Second, this guy sounds like somebody who wants everything, but doesn’t like what he gets; i.e. it is never enough. Ask yourself if that is really worth it. Do you really want to spend time with somebody who
doesn’t appreciate?

Third, uprooting life is less miserable than living with someone who causes you a constant amount of stress.