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    Matty, thank you so much for the reply. I suspect a lot of these things about him – the insecurity, projecting etc. He’s so caring sometimes and sometimes all he wants is cuddles and to be loved etc, but nothing I do for him is good enough anymore. He says I only care about him when he’s sick, but he doesn’t understand that he makes it so difficult for me to show affection because he rebuffs me all the time.

    I know the choice comes down to put up with this and be miserable for the rest of my life, or leave and uproot my entire life again. Not a nice decision to have to make and honestly, I don’t want to leave him – because I love him and I want to protect him. Stupid, I know, but maybe counselling would be a way to go. Don’t know if I’d be able to get him there, because he thinks all psychology is nonsense.


    Jake, I can truly say that I understand how you feel. I actually wrote about this a few years ago after having a conversation I had with my boyfriend – the gist of the whole post being “why put up with all the difficulties of life and supply your own light when essentially it’s meaningless?”

    Sometimes life really does seem pointless, because we have no way of KNOWING what the point of everything is – why we’re here or why we need to do the things we need to do.

    When I struggle with wondering what the point is, I think about being able to help other people – that’s where I find my purpose and my joy. I may struggle, but my struggles may help someone else and sometimes that thought helps. Other times, I just try to remember that if there is no meaning, then it’s up to me to create meaning for myself – I get to decide WHY I’m here, and because of that, I can decide what’s important for myself.

    What gets me out of bed is the thought that today, I can do whatever I want – I can begin to create exactly the kind of life I want. I can be a little better every day and I can slowly start to fill my life with things that make me happy, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem to other people.

    When thoughts of pointlessness hit me, I try to think about all the things I want to do – create a business that helps people, go on a picnic, buy a house, get a puppy – these things don’t mean anything and they may be pointless in the long run, but if there’s no ultimate point, then there’s no reason to do anything but what makes you happy – and these things make me happy.

    PS. If you want to talk more, I would really LOVE to talk to you about all of this – whether I can help at all or not. Talking is nice sometimes.


    Hey V.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now, but you should be proud that you’ve made the first step to being better (for lack of a better word). You deserve a round of applause for deciding to try.

    I actually wrote a post about all of this here: http://growingup4dummies.com/deal-depression/ which you can read if you want. It’s sort of my experience with overcoming (trying) depression.

    A few things that jump out at me about what you wrote:

    “According to them” – as difficult as it may be to accept, it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about you. As long as you keep doing what makes you happy, and what you feel is right for you.

    “scared that my advisors and everyone else in my life will scoff at my dreams” – again, as long as you’re doing what makes you happy. Remember that you’re the only one living you life.

    “I see my peers successful career-wise and relationship wise” – remember that you’re seeing everybody else’s “highlights reel” and comparing it to your “behind the scenes”. Everybody has their own struggles and confusions – they just often don’t show it.

    As simple as it is, my advice to you is to just do the things that make you happy, without worrying about what other people think – and I know that that can be difficult. But the only thing you can do is try. It helps me to remember that today, I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and I’m doing the best I can. There’s no reason to feel like I’m less than anyone else, because no one has walked (or is walking) exactly the same road as me. Trust that as long as you’re doing what makes you happy, and what is right for you, things will work out exactly as they’re meant to.

    If you want to talk more (because talking really does help), I’m around.


    Wow. That’s awesome. I’m asleep today, apparently 🙂

    Can’t edit the post, so the URL is http://www.growingup4dummies.com/

    Thanks for pointing that out 🙂


    Dearest Bernadette

    I think the first thing that you need to hear is that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not damaged and there is no problem with you – life brings you to where you need to be in order to help you grow. So wherever you are today is where you’re meant to be – as sucky as that place can seem.

    You say “Past few years ive become very angry and depressed,” – have you thought about the fact that you’re trying so hard to please everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to please yourself? You need to look after yourself and do the things that bring joy to your life instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Remember that you need to love yourself first – because the way you treat yourself is a guide for how other people are going to treat you.

    “cause I have this mentality that no one likes me, and that I should be lucky im with so and so” – you need to let go of this idea, and the idea that you don’t deserve the best. You deserve happiness, but you won’t find it if you’re looking for it in someone else.

    You do seem as though you have many negative thoughts and attitudes to work through, and you should find someone that you can talk to about how you’re feeling. If you want, I am around to talk to. I would also suggest journaling. Recognise your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Write down the things that are good about you. Write down the things you enjoy and what you want out of life. Find ways to treat yourself well. Start doing things that make YOU happy and fulfilled.

    If you want to talk more, I’m here. Wishing you all the best.


    I’m currently going through a similar situation emotionally. My boyfriend, who had always said he wanted to stay with me forever just decided one day that he wanted to be single forever and dumped me out of the blue. We still live together for now, and things between us are better than they’ve ever been, though he maintains that he doesn’t want a relationship.

    I also hold out hope that one day he’s going to open his eyes and see how wonderful we are together. I am not going to say whether that hope is good or bad, but I will say this:

    You owe it to yourself to be where you are celebrated, not tolerated and she has a reason for not wanting a relationship. We hold on to our emotional attachments because change is painful and losing someone we’ve invested so much in hurts – it’s difficult to adjust. But you deserve someone who is going to celebrate you as you are and life will happen as it’s meant to happen. You need to be honest with yourself about your motivations for wanting her back – remembering that people come into our lives for a reason, and leave for a reason. Trust that if she’s meant to come back, she will, without trying to force it to happen.

    As for your plan to meet her in two to four months: we can never know how much things are going to change in a few weeks, let alone a few months. Keep the plan, but start building your life without her. Focus on growing in yourself and doing the things that make you happy. Continue to build relationships and hobbies without thinking about your “plan”. Life usually has its own plans.

    I’m also holding on to hope, but honestly – I’ve found that focusing on myself and planning without including my ex in my plans is making things a lot better for me. The hope that he would change his mind does sometimes hold me back, because I find myself thinking “If I change in this way, will that make him more likely to take me back.” – and I don’t believe that that’s the right way to live.

    For now, just be where your feet are. Focus on yourself and where your life is right now and let what happens, happen – it will whether you want it to or not.

    “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. ” — Lao Tzu

    I’m around if you’d like to talk more.


    Thanks Sophie – and generally speaking, any advice helps, even it just allows you to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective.

    The thing is – we have spoken about it. I’ve spoken, he’s resisted everything I’ve said. I don’t think he needs to be alone the way he wants to be (even though it’s not up to me and I know I have to let him do whatever he feels he needs to do. I know that it’s not up to me to judge what would be right for someone else).

    I’m just scared. I’m scared that he’ll go away and forget about everything we’ve talked about – that he will continue to avoid his emotions and stay away from people because he feels they’re too tiring. I’m afraid that he will always take the easy way out and always feel like he’s a coward – covering it up with bravado and saying that this is the way he wants to be. He’s admitted that he feels like a coward sometimes, but as soon as any talk of emotions comes up, he’s quick to deny that he feels anything but respect for himself.

    I’m honestly just terrified that this is a mistake, and once he leaves, there will be no way for us to change anything.


    Thanks for the replies. For more clarification, the reason for not sharing emotions or wanting to be around people is that they’re tiring. Just being around them makes me feel drained and listless.


    “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

    If you feel like you’re walking down the wrong road, you don’t have to keep walking. You can turn around. You don’t need to feel like just because you’ve been turned from what you feel is your true path that you’ll never be able to get back there. You’re the only one who is control of your life and your path.

    As for you friend and his “destructive”advice – you don’t know whether it was ignorance or maliciousness, and holding onto so much anger is only hurting you. Remember that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is just to teach us a lesson that we might not have learned without pain.

    It’s my experience that, unfortunately, most people are very focused on their own wants and will do whatever they can to get it. Being angry with them will not help you and it will not help them either. People are going to hurt you sometimes, but you need to forgive them and love them anyway.

    Rather than be angry at him (or yourself) use this experience to learn about yourself. Know that you can use this experience, not to harden yourself and become distrusting, but to understand your reasons for ignoring your intuition to appease someone else and learn how to be strong in yourself.

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