Dear Phantom2013

I am not a professional, so I don’t consider my thoughts as advices you should follow. But, I have been in a similar situation and maybe is good to you to know that you are not the only person in the world feeling lost in life. Sometimes I feel lost, and sometimes I feel like an outsider (So, I think I understand you). Mainly, because I see the people around and it seems we live in a complete different world. Our values are completely different and, to be honest, I know I would not be happy doing the things other people do, but I would like to feel happy like they do.
I also just passed this college phase and I know there is a lot of pressure from our families and the college itself.

The second thing I would like to say is: if you are not able to sleep and you are taking self medication to do so, you must look for a professional in a health center! I am not suggesting you have any problem, but sleeping well is fundamental for your health. Recovering your sleeping is like the first step you have to take, and get this help from a professional.

As I told you, I have been feeling lost and I tried to figure out what was happening to me. Why I didn’t feel satisfaction with my life, since I have all the resources I needed? I am not a religious person, so it didn’t work for me. Then I tried to read philosophy. I started looking for a lot of books and actually I got more confused sometimes. But, I discovery a very important thing:
– since the beginning of human kin we are wondering how to feel happy and discover how to achieve it.
Understanding what is life, what is it purpose, and how to live are questions that are thousand of years old. And those answers were not found yet. I am not saying it to discourage you. But, it is important to understand that this happiness you see around you right now is kind of subjective and fragile. It is hard to say if the people around you are really happy or just eluded.
The world we live nowadays tries to convince us that we have to be happy all the time. This is just a marketing strategy to sell products. They suggest you are not happy because you don’t have enough things, and you must buy a lot of stuff instead. They create on us the obligation to be happy. And this obligation is converted in things we must buy. This can make us sick, because anyone can be happy all the time, this is why you see anxious and depressed people all around the world, even if is everyone pretty rich.

What I want to say is don’t feel bad because you are feeling bad. Be patient with yourself, try to identify what makes you anxious and if is a real thing or just the neurosis of our generation.
I can imagine the weight you feel in your shoulders since you think your parents deposit they expectations on you. It is not fair you must succeed because of your sister or cousins. This is again the insane competition they try to impose to everyone.

I see you are alive and want to get a good life. You just need to get balance and the things are not so complicated. You don’t need to be afraid of.

One thing I just did very wrong to myself was to blame myself about my lack of success compared to my friends. In fact, my friends were more envy about me than I could know and they were also comparing themselves to me. It is again a bad thing in our generation, the exaggerated competition about every single thing.
You need to be compassionated to yourself and removing the idea you must be perfect. Compassion is to understand that you can fail, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You will see that many “successful” people around you just don’t blame themselves for nothing, even when they are wrong.

Be compassionated to yourself and look for a professional (psychologist) to help you. I don’t mean you have a problem and that is why you need it. I am suggesting it, because I think everyone needs this. Actually, I find weird that we try to live not concerning about our feelings.

I think you must initiate the process of change and the psychologist will lead you to :
-understand yourself better
-understand your problems and how they are affecting you
-how you can proceed in front of your problems
-being calm
-teaching you to meditate
-etc.

Hi Phantom2013

The simple fact that you have taken action by seeking help and advice so quickly instead of wallowing in despair shows that you have a great deal of inner strength and purpose, even if you can’t feel it right now. So there will be a way out, even if it takes time.

Many people spend their lives trying to live up to the expectations of others, and it causes a lot of unhappiness as a result. I still feel that pressure even now, and I have teenage children of my own. Ironically, I have no doubt that if I hadn’t spent so much time trying to live up to the expectations of others, I would have been vastly more successful in my adult life – it’s just that I’m finding that out rather later than I would have liked.

So I can see your position from your angle, and that of your parents. As a parent, I know that I would want my children to live up to their own expectations, not mine. There will be plenty of other parents who may feel differently, but ultimately they all have the same objective – for their children to be happy and successful at what they do. But I would also add to that by saying, don’t use that as an excuse for ignoring any advice your parents give you. They have been where you were no all that long ago, and know that life can be tough sometimes. Try to seek their advice rather than treating it as a fight, and you will gain a lot.

Of course, the world does change fast – Facebook being one example – so some of their advice may be out of date. But you are clearly a thoughtful and intelligent individual, able to take what is useful and adapt the rest.

The fact is that Facebook is just everyone trying to say how great their lives are. Why do they need to do that? Because they are empty inside, and desperately need approval. If you don’t believe that, just think about it. When I was growing up, the best that people could do was send a postcard from somewhere that they had gone on holiday, to “boast” about where they could go and what they were doing. Now, people can do it every day, they do it about the most petty things – look at my lovely dinner, look at me, look at me, look at me! The fact is, you could do the same if you chose to – the fact that you can care for 10 guinea pigs makes you pretty amazing – a lot more so than just having rich parents who can pay for a holiday somewhere. The thing is, the realistic people like you are more secure in yourselves and don’t feel the need to seek approval for the things you are good at, so don’t constantly post on Facebook.

You ask how to get out of this cycle of feeling depressed and not meeting everyone else’s expectations. Well, the first thing to do is to sort the sleep problem out, because that makes anyone feel bad. Something that works for me is listening to a talk radio station, or a podcast, something reasonably light and frivolous so you can listen to it but not have to think about it. Others prefer sleepmasks, earplugs, and stuff like that. Alternatively, speak to a doctor and get some help – it’s probably the most common complaint they deal with. Find something that works for you, but certainly try to avoid using screens in the 30 minutes before going to bed – that makes a huge difference.

Then, think about what you want to do, and discuss it, in an adult fashion, with the people around you. (If they can’t discuss it in an adult fashion, find someone you respect who can.) But try to make any suggestion a positive, a “going to” rather than a “running from”. Do something because you want to do it, not because you don’t want the alternative.

And have a look at “40 alternatives to going to College” by James Altucher. It may help you to formulate your thoughts better, and help you build your argument.

The fact that you have accessed this forum, and asked for help and advice shows there you have a raging spark inside you, just waiting for the right opportunity. Use that spark wisely, and you will have a very bright future indeed.

Good luck!