Dear Jon:

You wrote: She very coldly told me to leave her alone…I kept trying to reach out to the point where she called the police and now I have a restraining order on me with a court date.”

First: do not reach out to her anymore; do not try to contact her in any way, shape or form. And in the future, when a person says to you to leave them alone- do leave them alone.

Second: Get legal counsel/ representation before the court date. Since you are unemployed, maybe free legal counsel in NYC can be available to you. Prepare and attend that court date with a lawyer representing you. The goal is that this restraining order will NOT be part of your legal record. This is very important so that your future employment will not be affected by such.

Third: Seek another employment in NYC- or move elsewhere after the legal case is resolved (hopefully it will be resolved on the 22nd) and find employment.

Fourth: find yourself some social support, a support group in NYC, a place where you can talk to people.

Regarding your ex girlfriend: seems like she was very hurt and angry by the relationship between her parents. She decided, that unlike her mother, she will never put up with a man like her father. This is why she made the comment that divorce will always be an option for her- not because she thought little of you, but because she is still angry at her father and at her mother for not divorcing him. You misinterpreted her when you thought her comment had anything to do with you. As a result of your misinterpretation, you ignored her for a week and later, you suggested you break up. She was not going to chase you- again, she was not going to be the desperate woman her mother was. This is why she was cold.

Doesn’t sound like she can have a healthy relationship with a man until she attends therapy and heals from the injuries she suffered from witnessing and being her mother’s confidante through their marriage. But all this is irrelevant to you now, as you must stay away from her.

Get legal representation for the 22nd and do post again, anytime.

anita

Dear Jonathan,

I agree with anita, this relationship is finished. Its time to move on.

I can see that you are seeking to understand what happened, what went wrong. Unfortunately, I used to be very much as you described your ex girlfriend. I decided at an early age that I never would be in a relationship like my parents. You stated that when she told you this, that you were hurt and brushed her off for a week. Firstly, she views of divorce as a means of avoiding her parent’s relationship is a form of self preservation (it really didn’t have anything to do with you as a person). You took this as an insult when there really was none. By ignoring her, you hurt her. I also used to react with cold indifference when my ex husband hurt me. It was my way of protecting my feelings.

You stated that you suggested that you break up and that you were hurt when she agreed. I’m sure, even though she may not have shown it, she was hurt by your suggestion to break up.

From the sound of your post, things spiraled out of your control from there. Your attempts to regain control only made matters worse. I only say this because you seem to want to learn from this experience and understand. From my own experience, being in a relationship makes you feel vulnerable when you have parent baggage. Behaving coldly or by being mean is a self preservation reaction (unhealthy to yourself and unfair to the other person, yes, but it is a reaction none the less). The mindset of “I’m going to walk away before I get hurt again” is there and attempts by another person to pursue the relationship can feel threatening (hence the restraining order).

You said “all those memories and moments we shared together, gone”. Not true. The relation is over, true, but you have those memories and moments…and you will always have those. It will take a string of days where you get up, breath and go about your day, go to bed, get up and do the same thing again…but as each day passes, you will be able to look back at your relationship and see the good that was there. I’ve told anita before “each day, I pick myself up, shake myself off and start again”.

You sound like you have much to offer a girl in a relationship (just not this girl). You said that this was your first girlfriend. She will forever be your first love. The lessons that you learn from this relationship will effect your future relationships for better or for worse; its up to you to decide.

It’s my hope that you will focus on your career and building the life that you want for yourself. When a girl comes along, you will be ready for the relationship that you deserve!

Best wishes,

~Shipp

Hey Jonathan,

Your feeling that she never truly made herself emotionally vulnerable was probably correct. I know for myself that I built a wall around myself so that others couldn’t hurt me. When I started dating, I know now, that I did keep boyfriends at arms length and if I felt that they were pushing too hard to get close to me, I would break things off. The reason that I say this is self preservation is because I would rather be alone, and miss the good times, than risk feeling hurt.

Let me give you a different way to look at it: Say you are on an airplane, everything is fine but then there’s a bit of turbulence. Most people would tense up a bit, wait for it to pass and then go on with the flight. Someone has been in a terrible plane crash before would react differently. If their fear being crashing (being hurt) again was so great, they may panic, and being certain that the plane WILL crash, may decide to parachute off to (in their mind) safety. Sometimes people do illogical things to avoid the thing that they fear the most.

From my perspective, you gave some clues in your original post. You said things were good… around your 1 year anniversary (turbulence and she starts to panic)… she made a comment about divorce (sure that a crash is coming)…and that you ignored her for about a week (in her mind the ‘evidence’ that she needed to confirm her crash scenario)… so she emotionally bailed out.

You mentioned that you hoped she would fight for the relationship. We all have the fight or flight instinct, in my case (and probably in hers too) so much of the fight was used up trying to get through being a kid, that by the time I got out and started my own relationships, I decided I was tired of fighting to get through so when a confrontation came along, I used flight. Basically “if you don’t respect the boundaries that I’ve put up, I outta here”.

Is this a healthy mindset for a relationship? No. I did mention EX husband. In my situation, in spite of all my previous efforts to avoid having a situation like with my parents, thats exactly what my first marriage was. The key is that I took the time to figure out why and how I was that way..and learned from it. It seems that you are also trying to learn from this relationship.

If I may offer one bit of advice for the future. No good comes from ignoring someone after an argument. Tell them straight up “what you said hurt me and I need some time to …” process, calm down..whatever. Then, take some time to exam what you feel (usually 24 hours is enough to think without over thinking it) but don’t leave the other person hanging out on a limb (possibly thinking the worse). Just remember that if you’re hurt or feeling insecure, they probably are too.

Best wishes,

~Shipp

Dear Jonathan,

If by sharing my life has helped in any way, then I’m glad that I shared it.

I smiled because your mom’s reaction is how I act when I’m massively mad about something lol. I ran away when hurt, shut down when angry…seeing an unhealthy pattern there?

I agree with your thinking. When things were casual, its was easy from her to show concern. At the BIG 1 year mark, she either panicked due to the length of the relationship or panicked because she had started to feel something. Either way, she pulled back.

From your last post, you really seem to have made some progress in accepting and moving forward.

May I offer one last suggestion (I promise the last lol). Take some time to read other material written by women. Some posts on here regarding relationships or breakups will give you insight on the emotions from another’s perspective. I believe it’s true that men and women express feelings differently. The emotions are the same but we are usually taught to express them differently.

Anytime you’d like to ask questions, feel free to let me know.

Take care,

~Shipp