Dear anita,

Yes, up until recently being “in the lead” was something that I did but only when there was no other option. It’s not a situation that I felt comfortable in.

At the time of posting, I didn’t want to go into finer detail so I tried to sum up the situation. I think I probably did it poorly and lead to misunderstanding. So I’ll try to explain in further details.

When I started dating Emmett, his oldest daughter “T” had just moved out and gotten married, so she was not in the house at the time. His other daughter, “K”, and son, “A”, were in and out (staying with Emmett for a weekend or a few weeks) between Emmett and their mother. “A” was breaking into his dad’s bedroom and stealing from Emmett and pawning what he could for drugs. “K” was sleeping half the day, wouldn’t shower or change her clothes for days, and all she did was play video games all day and half the night. This is what they did at their mother’s home and so this was normal behavior for them.

Since their mother took them with her and moved away when she left Emmett, there was a period of about 12 years that he didn’t get to be in their lives on a regular basis. He got to see them when she allowed (usually when she wanted more money from Emmett). During this gap is when they grew into teens and 20’s. When they turned 18 (and mom could not longer control their interaction with Emmett) is when they decided to go see dad (life is greener on the other side of the fence). I think that Emmett wanted them to be with him. He loves them very much. ** This is where it gets hard for me to find the right words*.. I think he expected them to be the same quality of people that he raised when they were young. From what he has said, the kids have said, and other family members have said: He was a really good dad, while he was with them, and they were bright, happy kids. Then they went to live with mom for about 12 years. They came back to Emmett as I described above. I don’t think he knew how to handle their behavior.

When we progressed to the point in our relationship of getting married, I moved in with my girls. He and I agreed early on in dating that we would treat all of the kids as “ours”. WE have 5 kids. Not His or Mine but OURS. We talked with the kids about this also and they agreed that’s how it should be. During this time, we set down some house rules: No stealing, No drugs, and everybody will do something useful around the house. For two of the kids this was not a problem since that’s how they were raised. For two of the kids, this was a problem because of how their were raised. “A” left because he wanted “freedom to find himself and explore” (is what he said) but in reality, he went back to live with mom. “K” left because she didn’t like being told what to do, and went back to live with mom. Ash got married and moved out. Brittany was in college full time and working, but she wanted to live with her grandparents (because they could afford her a lifestyle that I could not). So, all of the kids lived where they were happy. Please keep in mind that this progression was over a span of about 2 years.

After we were married (all the kids live elsewhere), we still tried to build and maintain relationships with all of the kids. We had incidents with 3 of the kids that did not end well (which lead to a breakdown in the relationships). Only 2 of the kids have treated Emmett with the respect of a dad and built an adult relationship with him.

We’ve been married 5 years, and Brit has just moved back in with us last year (when I had the stroke and heart attack). She is the only one who is local. The others all live in other states.

Last year, when Emmett decided to move to our current home, he decided to sell the other house. My nephew, who also lives locally, was living with a group of friends. Emmett decided to try to “pay it forward” and help someone like he was helped with that house. We decided to give my nephew a chance to get into a home of his own. Emmett wanted rid of the house; my nephew wanted the house.

When Emmett’s mother passed away 2 years ago, he came into his portion of the estate. The estate was to be divided between Emmett and his siblings (nothing was left to the grandchildren / Emmett’s kids). This did not sit well with Emmett’s ex wife / kids mom. She threw a fit and demanded a portion of the money. We instead tried to do for the kids directly. This resulted in the 3 incidents that did not end well. (Which I really don’t want to get into what happened). Emmett wants to make sure that what we have can not be TAKEN by the ex wife / kids.

Honestly, it is insulting that you “think that the idea and initiative (and maybe execution) of his children to move out and be disinherited was yours, and that the idea to divide his money between your two daughters was also yours“. I do try to help people, who I see as being in need. Do I give thought of how it can benefit myself? NO. Do I scheme or manipulate people for financial gain (for myself or my daughters)? HELL NO.

Two of his children abuse drugs. We didn’t expel any of them out of the house. We drew the line of “not in this house”. Two of the kids didn’t have a problem not using drugs, not stealing, not lying and were okay with doing chores around the house. The other three choose different paths that lead to where are today.

I, personally, understand that sometimes therapy can help a person who is SEEKING help and WANTS to change. I have said many times that you were very lucky in meeting with a therapist who was helpful and useful. In the last 25 years, I have found 1 who truly helped me. Therefore, I can also understand that most people (who do not see that they have what the rest of us perceive as a ‘problem’) think therapy is a bunch of BS and wont even entertain the idea of meeting with someone.

Sometimes you can’t “fix” or “help” someone who doesn’t want to be help. Sometimes you just have to accept that they are the way that they are and you have no say in the matter. Sometimes when you are looking for a way to do something good, you look around you for other people who are trying to do something good and you reward those people how you can.

You can only try for so long to help a person out of a ditch. After a while, you get tired of fighting to help them. You get to a point when you say “fine, if you WANT to stay there and wallow your life away, go ahead, but I’m going inside where its warm, safe and dry”. You finally accept that all of your efforts will be rebuffed and you will only get sucked into that ditch with them.

I think that I have said this before: I don’t give a damn about Emmett’s money (other than its starting to be a pain in the butt). I think that I pointed out HE has made decisions about what he wants to do. I’m not exactly sure how it turned out that I am the mastermind behind manipulating him. Two kids love him and either here everyday to help or show their support by calling and Skyping. Three kids treat him like crap, use him or ignore him. If your going to do something nice for someone, who would you pick??

And yes, I know this is a barrier that I am facing and I will have to process through it … but right now, I am insulted and frankly a bit pissed that you would think such a thing.

~Shipp