Hello, There!

I am from a middle-class family that belongs to a conservative society where people are judgemental about almost everything. My family comprises of my parents and my younger sister and my dog. I’ve had a difficult childhood as my father suffers from a mental disorder called schizophrenia. My childhood was so tormenting that I prayed to god saying “please let me grow up faster.” I had seen my father trying to commit suicide and my mother would always be a helpless woman. She was vulnerable, seeking help from relatives and somewhat little friends we had. As a child, i always knew there was something to be ashamed of and not to be discussed in our family and hence I could never make best friends at school. I wasn’t a loner but then I didn’t have anyone to whom I could just blurt out ever thing. I used to get rebuked and punished by my father if I would bring any gifts from my friends. I was so scared of him, I would throw off the mementos in the drain. Life was not normal, I was too young to understand so. My mother was a custom made wife. She always obeyed my father and was mostly concerned about his good being. I was growing up, dealing with my mood swings and hormonal changes which was itself too much in handling. I always thought I would take the brunt and protect my sibling from all of it. I remember to have screamed at top of my voice and I was so high I could still feel the pain it caused to my throat. I feel ashamed to accept that I had also hit my father once. I was emotionally so dented and grew up trying to iron out the guilt and traumatic behavior.But, instead of all these, I have grown up to be a good person, compassionate and generous. I believe I am positive and bright. I believed we attract what we wanted so i studied hard got myself a good job, making decent money.

I am in my late 20s now, I have a job and that is the best thing in my life, apart from my sister and my dog. My father still is schizophrenic, topping off with other critical ailments. I got married off 2 years back to the man I dated for 5 long years. When we started dating I told him about my daddy issues, took him home so that he knows where I stand. He built the faith that I could fall back on him. He had his issues too which he shared that his parents were not educated and they had a small house. I expressed to meet them before getting together but he denied each time. Never was I allowed to meet them or go to his house before our wedding. It was indeed a very conservative society. My mother in law expected me to seek permission at every minute thing I do in my life. I even did so. But problems cropped up after 3months. He was posted away from home. I was expected to stay with my in-laws with whom I could not connect mentally or analytically. Often we had nothing to converse, not being on the same page. We tried even then. I would do things my mother in law liked so as to please her. My husband would come home on weekends and he’d be upset with me stating I made his parents unhappy in some way. He would be so upset that he wouldn’t tell me that he ain’t coming however I used to wait till my mother in law would tell me. Communication died off. I felt like he wasn’t the same man. He would easily replace me. Going to my own place would make them angry. He was open to what his parents had to say about me but couldn’t stand the same from me. I had given my best shot the first year, tried talking to him so many times but nothing worked. He had nothing to say. I was just ignored. so I decided to move out to my own place. I kept going to my in-laws once in a while but now a days we don’t talk anymore. He wanted me to do his duties and responsibilities and expects me to give up my faith and believe for him.I could not take it anymore when my father fell ill since July last year and was diagnosed with cancer. He and my in-laws came for courtesy visits.And then I made up my mind on a divorce. I had always been by his side in times of distress but I’ve observed that when I was in difficult times he wasn’t there for me. Sometimes at end of the day I felt I needed a tight hug, words of comfort may be.

I’ve learned to be strong since childhood and relatives have always said “Oh she’s such a strong girl”. People don’t realize that the crown for being the strongest girl is immensely heavy and I don’t want to be strong anymore. I was a person with positivity, brimming with energy and there used to be an aura of happiness and joy. Until everything got topsy turvy in my life. Lately ive been highly depressed and dont have answer to the following:
Is it wrong to have made my own choices? like moving out of my in laws place?

I wonder if my conservative society will accept a divorcee? How will i deal with it? How many more fights? I just cant find peace anymore. I wrote to know if people like me exists out there. Please share your feelings, maybe some of you could make me feel better. Thank you for finding out time to read through. I really appreciate.

Maya