Dear Niki:

I studied your posts from the beginning of this thread.

In a most recent post, you wrote: “I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him. I do not want to suffer for life in any case.”- I believe this is an excellent objective. Focusing on this objective, you have to accept that your past sacrifices for the relationship cannot be undone, time cannot be reversed and you can’t make up for lost time. Those losses have to be accepted. The goal is not to lose more time, more opportunities.

And now, this is my current understanding of who he is and what happened:

Who he was before telling his parents about the relationship with you, that man, is gone. You will never get him back.

Who was he before he told his parents? The most loving boyfriend you can ask for, a dream come true. Or so it seemed. I will explain: all through the years before he told his parents, he knew there will be trouble once he told them, that he will most likely be forced to withdraw from the relationship once they are told.

He knew it all along. He gave you a clue about it by a thing or two that he said. But he was not honest with you. He was not straight forward with you about this most important element: he knew that most likely, he will end the relationship once his parents were told.

He knew but he didn’t tell you. He loved you and behaved lovingly toward you, that was not a lie. But at the same time he was already okay, all those years, with ending the relationship. He enjoyed it for as long as he could, postponing the ending. This is his deceit and betrayal of you. He watched you making your sacrifices, knowing they are most likely for nothing, and he let you make them, later to express lack of responsibility for it (he “said that all the sacrifices that I had made in past for our relationship, he did not stop me but he also did not motivate me to make those sacrifices).

It was something like this: a kid wants to play in the playground, but his parents do not allow him, so he sneaks outside his home to the playground and plays. He knows that once his parents find out, he will not be able to play anymore. So he plays and enjoys it the best he can. He meets a friend on the playground and loves her. But he knows once his parents find out, he will not be able to come back to the playground. But he doesn’t tell the friend. He tells her he will always play with her. The friend makes many sacrifices so she can be at the playground to play with him and he lets her, knowing all along, this will be temporary.

You wrote: “In between all these, my bf’s behavior had changed so much…he was something else… he never talked with me like this…He turned so much cold…the person he was and the person he is right now, so much opposite. He has grown all cold”-

and this is the fascinating part (for me)- he was always that cold. What he was and what he became were not two different people. The behavior was opposite but the person was the same. He was cold all along, because he knew what was to come (as most likely, almost certainly)-

You wrote: “he loved me when they were not in the picture”- correction: he BEHAVED most lovingly when they were not in the picture, knowing once they were in the picture, this will all be over.

What led to the latest development? According to him, his father’s blood pressure led to him siding with his father and ending the relationship and his own blood pressure led his father to reverse his decision and let a relationship start again. I see that dishonesty again, what you termed emotional-blackmail.

My summary/ conclusion: Love is as true and as real as the person who is doing the loving. When a person is dishonest, deceitful, for so long, the nature of the love, the truth of it, the reliability of it cannot be separated from the person doing the loving.

anita