Oh bless you, I really feel your pain.

I need to make you aware of a few points that you said…
Originally in your previous post you said “But I also know this is not a thinking thing, it’s a feeling thing and my biggest challenge in life is living from my heart instead of my head.”

Now you’ve said “I get triggered from anything – songs on the radio, thoughts of my life without him, thoughts of his rejection of me after all we’ve been through together.”

You hear a song on the radio, you replay a part of your life, that, at the time was good (maybe?)& In all honesty this is a hard one as it triggers a memory so I can’t say ‘dont make a story out of it’ but I can say that to the rest. Thoughts of your life without him – you probably tend to make a story out of what if this happened or I can’t believe this happened… Your dragging yourself into a story. Then thoughts of rejection.. you’re thinking about him leaving you again, making a story out of it. When I say story I don’t mean you’re making stuff up, but you’re reliving what’s happened in your head & that’s not healthy for you. Accept the song makes you sad & just feel the sadness. Try not to have thoughts in your mind about the relation the song has (hard I know, but that’s where your meditation practise comes in)

Your story sounds so like mine! I went through rejection with my ex & I’ve been left all the time by men. I give them everything they could ever ask for & only recently I got in touch with an ex from a few years ago & asked why he cheated & treated me like crap & his honest answer was that he could get away with anything because there were no consequence to his actions because I always forgave him & from my eyes saw the good side to him. Sometimes you have to own your part in something.. this hurts, but the realisation after opens you up to know that moving forward you can change this & eventually find someone better. I’m not saying that’s the end goal as it’s not, however, if you’re on the path I’ve recently ventured off, (which I think you are) you may be thinking why does this always happen to me? Why do people leave? Realising these things will almost make you think “see, told you it was me” but look at it in that it gives you the tools to heal & change moving forward. I apologise if that’s not what you want to hear or that doesn’t fit your situation, I just thought I’d share my experience as it may resonate with you.

And don’t worry, I done the whole sleep with him still text him etc, it’s normal, we still have feelings for them. It isn’t pathetic, none of this is, this is your life, far from it. If we don’t do or find these things out now, we may be tempted to re open it in the future.

You mentioned you can’t speak your truth, what truth is this? You’re afraid you’ll lose connection? Would you not say you already have? Have you got anything to lose by speaking your truth? How do you know he isn’t thinking the same as you? Being open is by far the best thing you can do, either way, good or constructive. I feel you probably feel so constrained because you have so much inside that you want to get out – to him?

I feel, again, from my experience that he’s your addiction because of your lack of self love & self worth.. & please don’t see me saying this an attack on you as a person, far from it.. but because you don’t love yourself fully you need/want him to fill that empty gap.
You need to learn how to fill it yourself & this is when healing will truly take place once you learn that only you in this life can truly fill that gap. If you go around life trying to fill it with money, things & other people I’m sorry to say but it’ll always be there.
I know this is alot to take in & you’ve been through a hell of alot, but do you know what, you’re recognising it & talking about it & you should be so proud of yourself! Start focusing on yourself completely, your health, your well-being, physically & mentally. Go do things you enjoy.. they say the best thing for healing is to experience joy!! 🙂 you’ll do it, I know you can. You have so much knowledge already & I know putting it into practice is the hardest part, but when you start to notice the change & contentment in you, you’ll realise your such a powerful person you’ll never want too stop! 🙂

Let me know your thoughts & obviously keep me updated! Xx