Dear Anita

Yes unfortunately i form very strong emotional attachments to people, which is probably one of the main reasons why i get hurt so easily. I have never thought about it that way, i am going to psychologist at the moment and she is helping me through cognitive therapy. We have gone through small parts of my childhood and from my experiances it is evident that my need for acceptance and love is because what i went through.. i dont like rejection as i think its a personal attack to me. I know this isnt my fault, i have been loyal, truthful and faithfull to him throughout, yes i have said a few white lies here and there..but never something that could potentially hurt him or us. Its hard letting go and when i do it takes me so long that i find myself lost.

The relationship ive had with him has been so different to the rest of my relationships..i feel this one has hit me very very badly as i attached myself to a lot of promises, dreams and the hope of this being it.. getting married and having a family, i honestly thought he was the one. Yes maybe i am more in love with what i wanted the relationship to be, or how i fantasized it being but Despite the bad times i was adamant not to give up, i promised myself i wouldnt give up so easily like i normally do and i trusted him 100 %, even when i had doubts i wiped them from my mind and i told myself he loves me and thats that, he wont hurt me like the rest have and i wont hurt him.. im going to be a better partner and person than i have ever been.

This was true, i matured in a way i never thought possible.. i also had the responsibilty of becoming somewhat a step mother to his son and the joy of doing that fullfilled me in every way possible..it felt so nautral. I love him very much and everything i did was out of love and i know i wasnt perfect, he had the pressure of having to deal with my insecurities and my anxieties but he never wanted to help or support me on a deeper level..he thought telling me ”you look really good” ”you are beautiful” once in a while would make me feel better, yes they did at the time of him saying it,but it never helped my underlying issues and maybe this wasnt his place to do so and i should have looked for professional help. He has his own issues and had mine to deal with too and not everyone can juggle too much at the same time… i get that.

Then it comes back to the constant lies about his past, things i wish i had known and maybe i would have never gotten into the relationship in the first place, then lies about what he was doing whilst he was with me.. trust is one of my biggest issues..and he betrayed something that was most important to me. I know the saying .. once a cheat always a cheat. I dont believe this anymore.. i have cheated in my relationships, yet this one i havent and have never been tempted to either ..i believe when someone WANTS to change they can.. but not because they have to because it will make their lives easier.. This is what i am trying to make him see, that if he truly WANTS to change anything is possible, obviously with professional help but ANYTHING is possible. Maybe i am wishing and waiting for the impossible or a miracle.. i just wish he could see what true potential he has to being a good parent and a good partner, but he has to do this on his own as evidently i couldnt help. Yes i have realised it has come back to me defending him again and trying to help him than help myself, i dont know why i do it.

Love is so powerful and simple. We are the ones that make it complicated.

Alexandra